At Long Last - Validation!

Recently wikileaks and various phone-hacking utilities have revealed my name is being spoken of - albeit miss-spelt - in the highest of social circles. It transpires that the world-famous social historian and eminent whovianologist Dr. Keiron Mallet, well-known for his well-balanced views on social trends, the floating of the Australian dollar and the mining of uranium in Kakadu National Forest, has petitioned those in authority to cast a medallion based on me!

To quote the wise and learned man himself:

I'm actually thinking of inaugurating an award called the 'Ewen Campion-Clark Medal' for the worst offenders: those that add precisely nothing on any level to pop culture but instead would have the exact opposite effect if indeed they had any brains or talent.

I, of course, am writhing in a state of nigh-religious ecstasy to know that Mallet focuses so much of his mighty brain power upon my unworthy self, to the point I could be said to be living rent-free in his subconscious and haunting his every moment waking or sleeping like a cross between the telltale heart, the Black Guardian or the xylophone riffs from Baa-Baa-Black-Sheep used in Gotye's Somebody I Used To Know. It is truly wondrous to realize one is so loved and appreciated by those of such social standing.

So below is my feeble attempt to design the medal to the designs of the Mellat genius. I have even decided to follow his naming convention. Why indeed should I spell my name any other way than a superior intellect has deemed it to be so? After all, I'm not the one shagging his wife twelve times a night, am I?

Look upon my work, ye mighty, and marvel like the bitches you are!

I am so happy, but it's not easy having a good time.

Even smiling makes my face ache.

Doctor Who - Ice Breaker

5/5. Average stuff. Usual content.

And so speaketh Mark "Emperor Fishface the Unlubricated" Goacher and, despite his rather odd dismissal of something worthy of a one hundred per cent score, he's not really wrong.

"...and you only tell me I'm eating a horse penis after I've taken a bite?"

Thin Ice cannot by any standard be dubbed a failure. It does exactly what it's meant to do, with Sarah Dollard rewriting Face the Raven (where the Doctor and companion encounter a community living in an archaic British historical quirk but being slaughtered by an amoral voiceless animal because the local ruler has a very ruthless definition of the greater good) from a depressing tragedy that destroys the lives of everyone involved to an optimistic celebration of Doctor Who.

Where once we had fearful, embittered alien refugees living in terrified squalor we now have charmed Dickensian street urchins who get to live happily ever after. Rather than the Doctor being tricked and betrayed by literally everyone, he is unquestioningly the hero who trusts others and is rewarded when they make the right choice rather than the easy one. Children are befriended rather than tormented, fun is had rather than torture inflicted, and the bad guys get absolutely everything they deserve.

Just one slight problem...

Well, not "nobody" but there was something curiously un-engaging about it. Perhaps it was the atrocious sound mix that meant 74% of all the dialogue was inaudible, and the stuff where the Doctor and Bill were in diving suits under the Thames in a curious deja vu moment of the one where the Goodies tried to catch the Loch Ness Monster was easier to understand. The Doctor's from the pumpers? Why does he want the fisherman to lose his job? What the hell is Bill saying?

Graeme and Bill explore the depths of a monster-filled river to find out just where Tiny Tim's got to...

 
And then the plot seemed to drag for some reason. It felt rather like it was a compilation of comic strip installments as the Doctor and Bill spend ten minutes moving from location to location, the only common factor as they go from the frost fair to the urchin lair to under the lake to the refinery to Sutcliffe's manor. No story time is devoted to showing anyone else on their own, it's all seen from the POV of the time travelers, keeping everyone at a distance as much as the muffled sound mix. We barely find out Sutcliffe's involved in the plot before seeing him for the first time and then he's instantly defeated right away.

And whereas Ashildr was a troubled, morally-ambiguous leader walking a tightrope between antagonist and protagonist who was of course confronting the Doctor with the consequences of his adventures, Lord Sutcliffe is a cunt. There are no redeeming features to him in any way, shape or form. There's no excuse for why he does what he does, no attempt to humanize him. He's pure, one-dimensional evil and if he ever finds himself unable to sleep at night it must be because there's been too few puppies kicked that day. He's not even clever or witty and it's made clear the most interesting thing about his entire life was the paparazzi campaign following his apparent love child scandal.

We're told rather than shown that one man is responsible for the chained serpent beneath the Thames, and also employing children and entertainers to get eaten so the serpent can crap out rocket fuel. The Doctor then does a speech that this is clearly one totally immoral scumbag with no morals of any kind.

And then he comes in starts hurling racist abuse at Bill for being black. Or a woman. Or a black woman. But basically he takes one look at her and reacts like Jimmy Saville just crapped on his brand new DVD of the next series of Game of Thrones.

So the Doctor punches his lights out.

"Take that, Mr. Quintessentially Englishness!"

Yeah, I think the audience have got the hint this is a bad guy.

Given this is the first villain of the revived series who is shown to be a complete fuckwit rather than the result of malfunctioning tech unwittingly causing chaos, I suppose the Doctor punching his lights out was fair enough. Certainly plotwise it was totally justified, given the Doctor was showing that for all his well-learned politesse and attempts to be aloof and rational he is not pleased when someone calls his friend sub-human scum. And all things considered, it was better the white guy punched the psycho racist than the black girl in terms of provoking the mass-murdering windbag.

Odd how this has put fandom up in arms, deploring the Doctor using violence as solution (despite the plot showing it actually ruined his plans, rather like Django Unchained would have ended a lot happier and neater if they hadn't used the racists as target practice) when they were previously applauding him being all dark and edgy and throwing people on church spires or shooting them in the head. In an episode where the Doctor admits he has killed more people than he can count, decking a posh twat seems small fry.

...and it's not like it's the first time.

As Whovians demonstrated, there's not much actually to this episode beyond the Doctor and Bill's relationship maturing as they reach the inevitable "this isn't always fun and games" moment which would weigh a bit more if Bill's anguish over seeing someone die for the first time contradict the way she's seen Movellans and human colonists being mowed down in front of her. Of course, yes, seeing an irritating artful dodger drowned and eaten alive before his seventh birthday would traumatize her, but you think it would be that specifically rather than someone dying. Or maybe being sucked into an alien puddle might upset her because of what happened to Heather.

Yeah, yeah, loose continuity, easier for the new folk to follow, no big deal.

But that's it. There's so little to this story that there's plenty of time to dwell on the flaws in logic. While not utterly brain-shatteringly tedious like Night Terrors (spit) it feels like a lot of padding has been shoved into it to make up for the lack of spectacle. The serpent of the Thames is not evil or alien or even doing much. The story isn't remotely interested in even discussing how a gigantic frost-creating snake has been sitting in the middle of London since the dawn of time, or how the hell the Sutcliffes discovered this, chained it down or what use they had for it until the industrial revolution meant its fish crap became useful.Even the way history ignored it - rather than being a joke and then plot point like the Cyber King or gigantic T-Rex in the same stretch of river - is just a dull "humans are morons" moment.

WARNING: SUBTLETY!!

And it becomes hard not to wish there was perhaps another element to pop up the narrative. Looking at other stories set on the Thames in frost fairs, we need only notice that the very first companion chronicle - Vicki Pallister telling the tale of the Frostfire - couldn't cope with a wander through the showground and had to add a murder mystery, a predestination paradox and a celebrity cameo from Jane Austen to support the "frozen Thames is because of alien life form freezing things and once it's gone, the frost fairs end" premise.

A plume of icy fire spouted into the air and the next moment the crowd parted and the Dagenham Dragon himself, wreathed in a halo of blue flames, came lurching through. He stumbled towards poor Miss Austin who, to our amazement, gave him a sharp hook to the jaw and knocked him flat!

It’s the sort of thing that Steven does, not a middle-aged lady novelist!

The Dragon shuddered and shivered on the ground and then lay still. His flames died. Miss Austen just stood there, massaging her gloved hand, looking completely bewildered...

Of course, RTD's "celebrity historical versus 60s B-movie horror monster" concept never really took off under the Grand Moff, did it? The first attempt had a comic-strip Winston Churchill share one scene with some comic-strip Daleks, a far cry from Charles Dickens and the Zombie Apocalypse, Queen Victoria and the Werewolf, Shakespeare and the Witches, and Agatha Christie and the giant wasp-man. The latter attempts were even dumber - Van Gough versus an Invisible Space Chicken, or Captain Avery (who?) versus a green ghost lady thing who sings a lot, to Hitler getting pawned by Rory and the Numbskulls from the Whizzer Comic. By the time you have Robin Hood fighting Terileptil robots and Lizzie from Blackadder II facing off to Zygons, it's clear that on some level everyone's given up.

Which instead why the Paternoster Gang were invented to brighten up the increasingly tedious historical stories (tell me that The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe was better without Strax trying to kill everyone and Vastra and Jenny bonking each other senseless!). Ah, but, I hear you cry, this story is set in 1814 and specifically on my birthday, and thus eighty years before the Paternoster Gang were active. Or Jago and Litefoot for that matter. Because this is the last frost fair ever, that's the point!

"Ewen Campion-Clarke's birthday today? Oh, dash it all, if only I had any fucks left to give..."

Except Silhouette saw the Twelfth Doctor and Clara meet up with their interspecies pansexual team to do just that and thought "sod the historical accuracy!" and also The Similarity Engine tossed aside such concerns to have Litefoot chasing a wooden duplicate of Jago through a fair across the Thames because it was way more exciting and interesting that way!

So, no celebrities, no aliens, only a cameo from a villain and an elephant (Matt Smith would totally have ridden her to safety, carrying that poor contortionist with him, I bet) and Bill going through the basic refresher course of being a companion that, while well-done and totally necessary, is ultimately less engaging than waiting for her to twig that the TARDIS was smaller on the outside. Couple with the STORY ARC moments of Nardole blubbering in front of a vault where the caged occupant is KNOCKING FOUR TIMES (well, once... possibly...) we're left with a story that doesn't have much to say about it. Everything we need to know or remember was all summed up in the previous Next Time trailer.

Once again the TARDIS notices something too late. At least it wasn't lethal radiation this time.

The big surprise of this episode was that there weren't any real surprises. Probably the biggest shock was not the Doctor pointing out that Jesus was a black man, but the first bald statement that a Christian leader of that name is a real person in the Whoniverse. I mean, they could have told the same joke about Hannibal, and it feels like we're meant to take it seriously rather than the nudge-nudge-wink-wink of the RTD years where the Doctor got the last room at the inn and helped out at the resurrection...

So, in short, this is an episode without much to comment on and discuss.

Frankly I don't think Stuart Manning is really inspired this year.

Meanwhile, my hopes for Whovians are fading fast. It must be clear by now that the amount of popular celebs who have an affection for the show is inversely proportional to the anorak-clad wankers who can appreciate jokes about John Nathan-Turner. The biggest fan this weak couldn't remember the title of that episode with the star whale or the fact there was a bloke called the Master involved in the show previously (yet mentioned Toclafane without blinking!) and getting Cal Wilson - always good entertainment value - made it clear that while she enjoyed watching it, found amusement in pointing out some plot holes, she's not a fan either. Add to this an episode where the only obvious topic was the Doctor thumping people (and a youtube montage that inexplicably misses anything Sixie did but portrays Tom Baker as a fucking psycho killer in comparison!) leaves a show that switches between top-heavy and borderline eventless.

And has Adam Richards really watched a single damn episode? Certainly he doesn't understand the concept of "fixed points" if he's burbling out every episode is the Doctor rewriting history so he wins this time, a theory even Cal Wilson wasn't impressed by. Rove bluffing a Chaser style stunt is only slightly more bearable, until I realized he wasn't going to bump into a famous sixties guest star running around offering cold pies from a top hat to unimpressed passers-by.

Sheesh.

Oh, and didn't the sonic screwdriver look totally like a cheap plastic toy this week?

'Hey, Ellie, what does "(C) BBC Worldwide Enterprises" mean?'

Hashtag Inapprops!

Tonight the nation stands on the brink of chaos with the news that Yassmin Abdel-Magied (ABC presenter and known source of girl-germs) posted on Facebook recently! Yes, just three days prior she willingly, knowingly and with malice of forethought DARED suggest that people should be thinking about the refugees currently suffering terrible conditions right here and right now rather than giving all our attention to a bunch of soldiers who were killed over a century ago.

I know. The callous bitch.

Can you imagine if other people had that kind of attitude? Doctors might have to treat patients instead of focusing on the fallen soldiers who died before their grandparents were born! Politicians possibly putting the current state of world crisis as a priority over chucking a sickie for a sausage sizzle celebrating the good old days when none of them were in power!

Now, thanks to international timey wimey zoney womey bollocks, Anzac Day is my grandmother's birthday. My grandmother is dead. And it would be controversial for me to think about anything but her or the Anzacs, you know, those blokes no one alive has even met, rather than anyone alive today. And to even suggest we triage our priorities for political and religious reasons is unacceptable.

Lest we forget (Manus, Nauru, Syria, Palestine)

was the obscene message Yassmin dared post. And then delete. And then apologize for.

If she'd only done it the next day, no one would have given a damn and she might as well have not posted it at all. The horrible, evil, toxic woman who had the temerity to suggest we focus on problems right here and now instead of waiting for folk a hundred years from now - no doubt still marveling at the Anzacs even as Dalek war fleets bomb us back to the stone age - to look back at all the terrible things we ignored. And all the pointless waste of human life we celebrated instead of doing things about.

The ABC insist that their views are not represented by this radical feminist terrorist.

And good thing too - she should be fined eight cents a day for this outrageous action!

"Planet From Nowhere" Translated Into Modern English

(The TARDIS materializes in a barren desert under a starry sky. The Doctor, Jamie and Victoria emerge.)

JAMIE: Och, wonderful. We’re in the middle of nowhere!

(The Doctor tastes some of the sand.)

DOCTOR: Ugh. Very salty.

VICTORIA: What does that tell us?

DOCTOR: I’m not sure. But look at this valley around us? Very salty. Perhaps there was once an ocean here, a long time ago. Either that or tides got so bored when they went out they never came back…

VICTORIA: That’s odd. It’s night time but almost as bright as day.

DOCTOR: Yes, this planet is too far away from that star for proper sunshine. And there aren’t many other stars to be seen, are there?

JAMIE: Well, we must be in a place with not many stars.

DOCTOR: Yes, which means we must be in one of the voids between galaxies.

VICTORIA: But how can it be between galaxies if there are planets and suns?

DOCTOR: Planets? Who said anything about planets? I don’t see any other planets except this one, and that big star is so far away it might actually be the light from a whole galaxy. Which means we’re not in a solar system, just on a single planet drifting through space.

VICTORIA: But where did it come from? And where’s it going?

DOCTOR: I haven’t the faintest idea, Victoria. It’s probably been travelling for millions of years already…

JAMIE: Och, how do you know for sure?

DOCTOR: Don’t bother me, Jamie, I’m thinking. Let’s do a little bit of exploring…

VICTORIA: If the seas have dried up, then this whole continent was probably underwater. There won’t be anything to find, will there?

JAMIE: Hey! Look over there!

(Jamie points down to the valley below, where a dark metal building emerges from the sand.)

VICTORIA: There’s no other buildings.

DOCTOR: It was probably at the bottom of the ocean before the seas dried up. There are quite few worlds where cities are built under the water.

VICTORIA: But it’s not a city, it’s just one building. Why built only one building on the seabed and nothing else?

DOCTOR: No reason at all. Except…

JAMIE: Except what?

DOCTOR: Except if they built a lot of buildings here and that just happens to be the only one still standing.

JAMIE: What’s so special about that one building?

DOCTOR: Only one way to find out…

***

(A vast cathedral vault. Light streams down from stained glass windows onto glass coffin-like cases stacked three-high in central aisles. Each one contains a bald man or woman in a robe and bare feet. At the far end of the cathedral is a massive ankh-shaped totem and an altar of broken black rocks. The metal door at the other end opens and the TARDIS crew enter.)

JAMIE: Doctor, look…

VICTORIA: There must be hundreds, maybe thousands of them!

JAMIE: Aye. And they’re all dead.

DOCTOR: Are you sure?

JAMIE: Look at them! They’re all cold and stiff!

VICTORIA: My word, this is spooky! Just how long do you think they’ve been lying here?

DOCTOR: Ever since this rogue planet began its runaway journey from its proper sun, I suppose.

JAMIE: Millions of years, you mean? How come they’re not all bones now, eh? That’s what I’d like to know.

DOCTOR: Yes. Unless they’re not dead.

JAMIE: What? Will you just look at them? They’re nae breathing!

DOCTOR: That doesn’t mean they’re dead, Jamie. They could be frozen between heartbeats, in suspended animation!

VICTORIA: You mean like the Cybermen were in their tombs?

DOCTOR: Precisely, Victoria. A tomb where the people aren’t dead. And if they’re in suspension, there must be a way to revive them…

(Jamie wanders up the altar and looks at the ankh.)

JAMIE: Could it be here, Doctor?

VICTORIA: What is that? Is it like a cross?

DOCTOR: In a way, Victoria. It’s an ankh, a symbol from Ancient Egypt. It’s the symbol for life itself.

VICTORIA: Then if this is a cathedral then these people must have been worshippers of life.

JAMIE: They worship it by not being alive? Och, that’s daft.

DOCTOR: Well, obviously they’ve been waiting for someone like us to come along and wake them up. If only there was a clue as to how?

(Victoria screams and points at the floor by the altar at a grey ashy skeletal outline.)

JAMIE: Victoria! What is it?

VICTORIA: It’s a skeleton! Or, well, at least it was – it’s turned to dust, but you can see it was once a person!

DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I think you’re right, Victoria.

VICTORIA: Oh, please, Doctor! Let’s just leave this awful place and get back into the TARDIS!

DOCTOR: Now, now, Victoria. There’s nothing to worry about. That poor fellow must have died thousands upon thousands of years ago – if anything did happen to him in the distant past, I doubt we’re in any danger now.

JAMIE: Aye, but what happened to him? Why wasn’t he in the coffins like everyone else?

DOCTOR: Well, only the people in the coffins can know that. We just have to wake them up. Look at the ankh. The symbol of life – a sign of life, hmm? I think that’s clue, don’t you? Yes, there’s not a bit of corrosion on this at all. Yes… and here’s a lever, see? It’s pointing to the altar and that symbol.

VICTORIA: Is that Egyptian too?

DOCTOR: Yes, the symbol for peace or, or rest. Now if I twist the lever from the symbol of rest to the symbol of life…

VICTORIA: No, Doctor, wait!

DOCTOR: What’s wrong, Victoria?

VICTORIA: That skeleton… it’s lying right in front of the lever. Do you think it was someone who tried to do what you’re doing now?

JAMIE: Aye, she’s right. What if it’s a trap?

DOCTOR: Let’s find out!

(The Doctor twists the lever to point to the ankh. A low hum fills the whole cathedral and the humans in the glass cases immediately blind and wake up. A dirge-like wail is heard as the humans emerge from the cases and stand up, staring at the TARDIS crew with glassy eyes.)

JAMIE: Doctor…

(The humans drop to their knees in worship.)

VICTORIA: It’s like they think we’re gods…

DOCTOR: Yes. This won’t do at all. No, we’ve got to stop this right away.

(The Doctor steps from the altar and the humans retreat in fear.)

DOCTOR: It’s all right. We’re not going to hurt you.

LEADER: You… you are the gods we never believed in! Oh, woe to us who did not believe! Have you come to destroy us?

DOCTOR: Oh nonsense! My friends and I are travelers. We arrived on your world and found you sleeping in those glass cases, so we woke you up. That’s all. There’s nothing to worry about.

LEADER: How… how long have we been sleeping, stranger?

DOCTOR: How should I know? We’ve only just landed, we don’t even know what this planet is called?

LEADER: Axal. That is what we call our world, ever since our star went nova and we were hurled into outer space.

DOCTOR: Ah, I guessed as much. Didn’t I, Jamie?

JAMIE: Aye. (to the Leader) There are barely any stars outside now.

DOCTOR: Yes, your world is almost out of the galaxy entirely.

LEADER: We’re in the void? (growing angry) Then why did you wake us up? Why couldn’t you leave us in peace? You’re not gods! You’re demons!

DOCTOR: Pah! I thought you people worshiped life!

LEADER: We do! We acknowledge the great law of nature that all life wishes to destroy other life, and resist that with all our strength to please the Life God!

DOCTOR: I doubt your god will be pleased to see you skulk away the ages unconscious in your coffins! You obviously have all the food and air you need to survive on this planet, void or not. Why would you deliberately put yourselves into stasis? And surely this can’t be all of you?

LEADER: All the Salonians were laid down to sleep in our great temple! The whole population of the Western Hemisphere of Axal lie here, sealed into our caskets for the long sleep – to sleep forever if necessary.

VICTORIA: By why did you want to be asleep?

LEADER: To escape the great retribution, of course!

DOCTOR: What retribution?

LEADER: The wrath of the Life God! We sinned against life and rather than face his anger.

VICTORIA: But what is your sin? Who did you hurt if you’re the only people on your world?

LEADER: We are not the only people on Axal, child! The Eastern Hemisphere is held by the Colonians. We went to war with them, the greatest war of all time! We defeated our enemies, we crushed them!

JAMIE: If you won, why are you hiding?

LEADER: I… I cannot remember. We have been in our dreamless sleep for so long the memories have faded. But we defeated the Colonians, I remember that. We were the victors. Not one of those crude infidels even saw the edges of our great city!

JAMIE: What great city?

LEADER: The most wonderful marvel of the modern age, of course! Did you not notice this mighty tower is in the centre of it? Are you so dull-witted?

JAMIE: Hey, now, we’ve actually been outside and seen your world!

VICTORIA: Yes, it certainly isn’t any sort of marvelous city!

LEADER: Degenerates. Come, my people, let us show them our majesty!

(The leader strides to the exit. The rest follow him.)

***

(The leader steps from the tomb and looks at the desert outside, dumbstruck. The other humans are horrified as well. The leader has tears in his eyes.)

LEADER: Is it all… is it all like this?

DOCTOR: As far as we’ve seen, yes. There’s not a thing standing for miles in any direction.

JAMIE: What happened to this city of theirs, Doctor?

DOCTOR: Time, Jamie. After millions of years of erosion, the buildings just crumbled away to nothing.

JAMIE: Then why is this place still standing?

LEADER: (grim) This temple is built of impervious metal, the very atoms compacted until nothing in this universe can destroy it.

JAMIE: Pity you clever-clogs didn’t build the rest of your city out it then, isn’t it?

DOCTOR: Well, in fairness, not many architects plan to outlast eternity…

LEADER: Lies!

DOCTOR: I beg your pardon?

LEADER: Our city was not eroded! You strangers have only been on our world an hour, how can you be sure that a million years have passed?

JAMIE: Well, where is your blessed city, then?

VICTORIA: Yes, just what happened if it wasn’t worn away by time, hmm?

LEADER: It was destroyed! By our enemies, those Colonian animals!

JAMIE: You said you defeated them!

LEADER: We did, but those dastardly Colonians must have rebuilt their forces! When we laid down in our caskets, they came back and destroyed our great city while we slept! And they would have gone unpunished were it not for you to awaken us! I thank you, strangers. Now we can see justice done. (to the humans) We shall begin retaliation against those brutes at once!

(The humans re-enter the cathedral.)

DOCTOR: Oh dear. I think we might have just started a war.

VICTORIA: Do you think these Colonians really destroyed the city, Doctor?

DOCTOR: I… Well, I’m not sure. But I’m certain we’re many tens of thousands of years after the fact. The people currently living in the east probably don’t even know there were Salonions on this planet, it’d be like dinosaurs suddenly waking up and attacking modern man! They certainly won’t be prepared to defend themselves…

JAMIE: Defend themselves from what? These daft Sassenachs only have the clothes they stand in – how are they going to fight a war on the other side of this planet, eh?

DOCTOR: I don’t know, Jamie. But I have a horrible feeling they have a plan. Come on.

(They hurry inside.)

***

(Inside the cathedral, the humans are marching in file down behind the ankh altar. The leader watches them enter, arms folded, as the Doctor approaches.)

DOCTOR: Now, wait a minute, old chap! We three came here to help people, not trigger a war…

LEADER: You would side with those who came and obliterated our lovely hemisphere?

DOCTOR: I’ve told you! No one destroyed anyone! It was just thousands of years of age and decay, the millennia you’ve spent sleeping away in your caskets – goodness, what did you expect to happen after all this time you’ve been in suspended animation, mm?

LEADER: We have not been asleep long enough if the Colonian infidels are still active. You are a stranger, you don’t understand the level of their depravity. Your optimism is wasted on them. We are already loading our war rockets. The automatic machinery is still in full working order.

DOCTOR: You know, for a worshipper of the Life Principle, you certainly have an odd way of behaving! Look at you, you’re eager to re-start a war your own god considers a sin!

LEADER: We are merely retaliating! The Colonians will be punished for their crimes! We will make of their lands a desert like the one outside, we will level their city as they leveled ours!

DOCTOR: But that’s madness! If both hemispheres are destroyed, then Axal will be left totally dead!

(The leader ignores him and follows the others down the steps.)

DOCTOR: Oh, my word, what have I done! I should have left these wretched warmongers asleep!

VICTORIA: If they won’t listen to us, what can we do?

JAMIE: Aye, well standing around here can’t help. Come on!

(They hurry down the steps.)

***

(The trio reach the bottom of the steps. Ahead are a row of machines and control panels, and beyond them rows of gleaming rockets aimed upwards. Cradles of torpedoes are being operated. The Doctor looks around in utter horror.)

DOCTOR: It’s a rocket silo! These maniac have built nuclear warheads into their tomb!

JAMIE: Why do that? They were going to sleep forever, weren’t they?

DOCTOR: Yes, on top of enough weaponry to blow this whole planet apart five times over!

VICTORIA: I wonder what the Colonians are like, if these people think they’re monsters…

(The leader crosses to meet them.)

LEADER: Ah, good. You will come with me in the lead passenger craft.

DOCTOR: Oh. Oh, good, you’re actually going to talk to the Colonians before you start firing missiles?

LEADER: Not at all. But it is not enough to merely activate the launch sequence. We shall see their punishment carried out with our own eyes. We will watch their corrupted mockery of a society burn away into dust the way they destroyed us!

DOCTOR: But they didn’t destroy you! Not a single one of your people were harmed!

VICTORIA: Yes, you were all safe in here, fast asleep!

LEADER: You think Colonian incompetence equates to mercy?

JAMIE: If you destroy the Colonians, then that’s murder! That must be a sin to your god! To any god!

LEADER: They sinned first! Sinners are punished!

DOCTOR: Unless they’re cowards like you, and go into suspended animation! You admitted you’re sinners!

LEADER: We are more sinned against – and we will have our revenge! Bring them!

(The leader strides off. Humans take the TARDIS crew by force and shove them after the leader.)

***

(The control room of a large passenger cruiser. Skeletal heaps of dust lie on the floor and crunch under the feet of the humans as they enter.)

LEADER: What is this?

JAMIE: More dead bodies. See, they’d been dead so long they just turned to dust!

VICTORIA: Like the one up in the cathedral.

LEADER: That was the bravest of us. He pressed the lever to activated the suspension cabinets and remained alone in the temple to die.

VICTORIA: Then who were these people?

LEADER: I… I don’t know. Obviously they were murdered by the Colonians.

DOCTOR: If they attacked your temple while you were sleeping, why didn’t they kill you all, hmm? It doesn’t make sense! Either they showed your people mercy, or else they weren’t here at all.

LEADER: Be quiet, stranger. The Colonians are mindless brutes, unable to grasp our technology. They probably tried and failed to harm us as we slept and when that failed, they tried to destroy our city!

DOCTOR: You have absolutely no proof of this!

LEADER: We do not need proof! Stay silent, all of you. We are launching… now.

(The cruiser shudders around them.)

***

(A circular hole irises open in the desert near the cathedral and the cruiser flies up into the dark sky.)

***

LEADER: Head due north. Prepare the cobalt bombs for launching. They gave excellent results last time.

DOCTOR: Last time? You used cobalt bombs on the Colonians and they weren’t defeated?

(The leader frowns.)

LEADER: I… They must have had some defense.

VICTORIA: But you said you had excellent results.

LEADER: Yes. I did.

DOCTOR: Just how did you defeat the Colonians?

LEADER: I do not recall. The memories are still vague.

VICTORIA: Well, obviously if you fired a load of missiles at them last time didn’t work. Why would it now, hundreds of years later? They’ll be more advanced than you, won’t they?

JAMIE: Aye, you and your people haven’t invented anything for a million years.

LEADER: The Colonians are lazy beasts, incapable of true progress!

DOCTOR: So why have you been fighting wars with them? Surely they wouldn’t be able to withstand any of your might and power, would they?

(The leader shakes his head.)

LEADER: I have had enough of this disruptive talk. Be silent. Or you will be punished like the Colonians!

(The time travelers sit on a couch and whisper.)

JAMIE: Yon man’s mad. Maybe he’s been asleep so long his brains have curdled.

DOCTOR: Maybe, Jamie. But these Salonians were bloodthirsty fiends and I’ve doomed everyone on the eastern hemisphere of this planet by waking them up.

VICTORIA: Doctor, you didn’t know…

DOCTOR: No, and I didn’t think. Just like the Cybermen, these monsters should have stayed frozen! I’m responsible for what’s about to happen, and imagine what these maniacs will do once they’ve destroyed the Colonians? I doubt they’ll be happy. They’ll look for someone else to destroy.

PILOT: Approaching eastern continent.

LEADER: Excellent! Increase speed!

(A brighter light shines through the windows.)

VICTORIA: What’s that light, Doctor? Where’s it coming from?

JAMIE: Aye, is that sun getting closer to the planet?

DOCTOR: No…

(They rise and join the leader at the viewports. Outside is a flat plain of gleaming crystal.)

JAMIE: What’s that? The ground, it’s shining like a mirror!

VICTORIA: Is it frozen?

PILOT: No. All the temperature and humidity readings are correct.

DOCTOR: The whole landscape… it’s glass. Like the surface of a gigantic marble. No cracks, no breaks. Just glass.

(Victoria turns to leader, who looks totally shocked.)

VICTORIA: Was the Eastern Hemisphere always like this?

LEADER: No… There were buildings and hills and mountains and rivers… now there’s nothing. Not even soil.

DOCTOR: And no sign of your enemies, the Colonians.

LEADER: They… they must be hiding! They’re hiding from us!

DOCTOR: Where? Look at that landscape down there! It’s just a round lump of glass, totally inhospitable!

LEADER: Then the Colonians have fled Axal!

JAMIE: How? You said they were stupid beasties – did they have spaceships?

LEADER: …no… but… but they must have built them while we slept.

VICTORIA: So you admit it’s been a long time? Long enough for the Colonians to develop their own science?

LEADER: (shakes head) No, no, no. They destroyed us, then fled our world!

DOCTOR: They didn’t.

LEADER: Do you have proof, stranger?

DOCTOR: Oh, you actually want proof, now, do you? Well, look out the window at all the proof you need. That whole continent was turned to glass – the result of a saturation attack of cobalt bombs. Thousands upon thousands of your cobalt bombs that performed excellently!

VICTORIA: You mean… you mean, the Salonians did this?

DOCTOR: Of course they did. This fellow himself said they’d attacked the Eastern Hemisphere, and we saw how much firepower they had in just one tower of their city. And there is the question of what they did that was so terrible they all chose to place themselves in suspended animation in the first place.

LEADER: (in a quiet voice) He is right. In the long, long sleep, we had forgotten.

DOCTOR: That war you spoke of. You didn’t defeat the Colonians, you obliterated them.

LEADER: We pressed the buttons and this was the result. We sent this very cruiser to confirm the success of the multiple strike. They returned… and then they shot themselves.

JAMIE: They’re the ones who were dust on the floor?

LEADER: (nods) The rest of us never saw it. Not like this. Not even the sleep could have blotted this sight out. And none of us dared go and see for ourselves a sight that drove Salonians to kill themselves.

DOCTOR: And when you realized just what your cobalt bombs had done…

LEADER: We have committed a sin so unforgivable, we were too fearful to ever face our god.

DOCTOR: And at the same time you were all too ashamed to live with what you’d done.

LEADER: The suspended animation caskets were prepared as a war measure, to preserve us if the Colonians ever achieved the upper hand. We… we chose not to live and not to die. We slept, until the last rad was gone and our great city was less than dust. We slept so long we could forget what we’d done.

DOCTOR: Until I woke you up.

LEADER: Yes.

(There is a long silence.)

LEADER: Reverse coordinates. We are returning to the temple. Stand down all weaponry.

***

(The cruiser swoops over the glinting glass horizon and back the way it came.)

***

(The humans, looking haunted and miserable, are marching up from behind the altar and climbing into their glass caskets. The Leader holds a small handgun, contemplating it. The Doctor, Jamie and Victoria stand nearby as the humans return to their coffins.)

JAMIE: You’re just going to go to sleep again?

LEADER: There is nothing left to us. We destroyed the Eastern Hemisphere and the Western has died in the eons we have been drifting through space. We cannot survive out on the surface for long. Maybe in one day, millions more years from now, we shall finally find a new sun to call home. Someone else will come here and wake us up and we might start again.

VICTORIA: But if you forget all this while you are asleep, when you wake up you’ll blame the Colonians!

LEADER: Perhaps. Perhaps next time we will have slept so long we won’t even remember them.

DOCTOR: They say those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

(The leader indicates all the people now safely in their caskets.)

LEADER: And history is repeating itself exactly, just as it did all those weary centuries ago.

DOCTOR: Yes. Jamie, Victoria, you go back to the TARDIS. I’ll join you soon.

VICTORIA: Is there nothing we can do for them, Doctor?

DOCTOR: Perhaps. But you two best head off now.

VICTORIA: Doctor…

DOCTOR: Jamie, please take her out of here!

JAMIE: Aye, I will, Doctor. Come on, Victoria.

(Jamie takes her arm and leads her out the doors. The Doctor turns the Leader.)

DOCTOR: Someone has to stay behind to activate the suspended animation systems.

LEADER: I know. It was a brave man who did it before.

DOCTOR: Brave? They condemned themselves to a long, lonely death. All your technology could work out a simple timer, I’m sure. But I woke you all up, I can put you to sleep again. Why don’t you just climb back into your casket and…

LEADER: No. I will do it.

(The leader reaches out and turns the lever from the ankh to the altar. There is a low hum.)

LEADER: Who knows what they will find when next they awake?

DOCTOR: If indeed they ever do wake up again.

LEADER: True.

DOCTOR: And what happens to you?

LEADER: I said, it is a brave man who is willing to do this. To die and face the Life God. I authorized the attack on the Colonians. It was my decision. I do not deserve the escape my people have chosen.

DOCTOR: You don’t have to do this.

LEADER: Oh, Doctor. I do.

DOCTOR: I can’t say how your god will punish you for what you’ve done, but he’s more likely to be lenient if you and the rest of the Salonians at least tried to make amends for what they did. What good are you doing hiding from life and death?

LEADER: Perhaps we are ensuring we harm no one else.

(A long pause.)

LEADER: You should go. Leave Axal to its fate.

DOCTOR: You could come with us.

(The leader holds up the gun and shakes his head.)

LEADER: Please.

DOCTOR: I suppose it’s more choice than the Colonians were given. One last thing.

LEADER: Yes?

DOCTOR: Your world, Axal. It wasn’t always called that, was it?

LEADER: I honestly can’t remember. Goodbye, stranger.

DOCTOR: Goodbye. And good luck.

(The Doctor turns and leaves. The leader kneels before the ankh, then puts the gun barrel in his mouth.)

***

(Outside, the Doctor is trudging up the hill towards the TARDIS. Jamie and Victoria are waiting outside. There is the muffled sound of a gunshot, then silence.)

JAMIE: What was that?

DOCTOR: (innocent) What was what? Come on, let’s leave this unhappy planet.

***

(They enter the TARDIS. The Doctor closes the doors and starts operating controls.)

VICTORIA: Doctor…

DOCTOR: Mmm?

VICTORIA: There’s one thing that’s puzzled me. Those symbols in the cathedral – they were the same as the ones in Ancient Egypt. They even mean the same thing. How could the Salonians know about them?

JAMIE: Och, it’s probably just a coincidence. Squiggly lines are the same all over time and space.

VICTORIA: And if it isn’t?

JAMIE: Well… (shrugs) I dunno. How can it be Ancient Egypt?

VICTORIA: Because… this is Earth, isn’t it?

JAMIE: Yon Salonian chief said it was called Axal!

VICTORIA: But if we’re millions of years into the future, why shouldn’t the name have changed?

JAMIE: It never has before!

VICTORIA: Well, maybe we’ve never been so far into the future before!

JAMIE: Tell her she’s wrong, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Is she, Jamie? One day, Earth’s sun will become a nova. Who’s to say the explosion won’t cast Earth far into space until it drifts into the void between galaxies, that the people living rename it Axal? Who’s to say that even in the fact of that cosmic disaster, human beings still can’t live in peace and finally destroy every living thing in a nuclear war?

VICTORIA: You mean, the Salonians…

DOCTOR: …are descended from some branch of humanity? Well, they looked rather human, didn’t they? And as Victoria said, they used Egyptian symbols?

VICTORIA: But those people, they’re so sad and lonely and they ruined everything!

(The Doctor sighs and then brightens.)

DOCTOR: Well, then, Victoria, perhaps I’m just being a foolish old man babbling nonsense. Like Jamie said, it’s all a complete coincidence. I’m sure Earth and mankind have a tremendous future, and we can safely assume they can look after themselves. In the meantime, let’s just get away from this haunted place as fast as we can.

(He dematerializes the TARDIS.)

***

(The TARDIS vanishes from the desert. The noise of its engines echoes in the cathedral as the humans sleep in the casket and the corpse of the leader lies by the altar. Axal drifts off into the darkness and is eventually lost in the silent dark.)