Purge-atives

"It's Purge Night - you don't sneak up on black people!"

Idly been watching The Purge franchise, that saga of films about a dystopian future where USA declares that for one night a year, murder is legal. The premise is that one night of guilt-free mass slaughter and mayhem is an incredibly social catharsis and means the rest of the year society is perfect. I get the black satire on man's inherent darkness and desire for violence but, still... what crap.


1) The plots always revolve around poor nice schmucks getting caught outdoors/unprotected in the Purge. Why? I mean, it's not like this comes out of the blue? It gets total media coverage. You get 364.2 days a year to prepare for this? Why isn't everyone fleeing America for two weeks if they don't want to be caught in the crossfire? You can spend a fortune on dodgy security systems and hide in the cellar... or you can check out Barbados for a fortnight. Or even Canada. Doesn't anyone think of this?

2) So all the homicidal postal workers and quiet, shy suicide bomber types are happy to wait for Purge Night? No high school shootings now? That's ridiculous. If I want to put a cap in the ass of my enemies, waiting for the one night they're ready for it and also perfectly prepared to do the same to me is the last thing that would work.

3) How the hell does society function the rest of the year? In the first film, someone rings up a phone in and informs millions he's going to murder his boss. OK, it's Purge Night, he won't get in trouble, but who the hell is going to employ him tomorrow? "Yeah, I want to be your boss because you intend to kill me next year and you'll tell everyone about it first!" Wouldn't everyone be forced, Happiness Patrol style, to be perfectly kind and polite to each other so they don't provoke their fellow men to slaughter them? Just how do arguments go in PurgeVerse? "Jimmy, you're on detention!" "Oh Miss Turby I will kill you on Purge Night!" "Not if I kill you bitches first!" Why would anyone even turn up to work in days leading up to Purge Night when they can be slaughtered with impunity? The bosses could sack them... but then the ex-employees could come back on Purge Night and murder them!

4) And that's just before the Purge Night. Imagine afterwards when the streets are full of bloody corpses. Uh, that sounds like a health hazard to me. (The third movie has a "bring out your dead" van but the first two manifestly don't - only took them 25 years to think it might be a good idea...) Plus: "We need a paramedic!" "Sorry, they all got murdered last night." "I need someone to do my tax return?" "They got murdered." "Seems our ratings are down." "Yeah, the studio audience got murdered." Not to mention the awkwardness of failed murders. "Hey, Mr. Jenkinson, you tried to kill and rape my daughter yesterday." "Yeah, damn miss-timed it, huh? Still, we're still okay for golf, right?" "Sorry, got to bury my wife. You murdered her, remember?" "Damn. I suppose you're not going to lend me your lawnmower after this..."

5) The initial idea was, apparently, for all the upper middle-class people to Purge the homeless, destitute and Mexican. That means that all bar 1% of the unemployed, homeless, Mexican have been wiped out. Which means the Purge has no more "acceptable targets". What happens when the B Ark is empty? They turn on the A and C Arks. With machetes. This means, logically, that the population of the USA is dropping rapidly every year - and they can hardly invite tourists or immigrants over? "Come to the Land of Opportunity, and um, try not to get killed when we all go on a murder spree. That's getting awkward."

6) How the hell did they sell this to the public? "OK, now, I know we're all based on liberty, free enterprise and manifest destiny... so once a year let's kill each other." Exactly which focus groups went along with that idea? What feasibility studies said it was bound to work? Why wasn't the USA immediately cut off from the rest of the planet on the ground they're now an institutionalized bunch of psychos? And you're trusting them with the nuclear launch codes? What's to stop someone deciding "Bugger it, it's purge night, goodbye Dubai!"?

7) Why aren't terrorists attacking America on Purge Night, the one night there are no law enforcement agencies that could possibly stop them or even keep track of their movements? Whole cities are full of homicidal nutjobs in carnival masks, and Al Qaeda hasn't got a single foothold there?

8) There is an amazing amount of trust involved in the Purge. Not only does it depend on everyone having total control of their bloodlust carnage until they hear the pips on the radio, the government expects that everyone will adhere to the "level 4" statue on weapons. And that none of the knife-wielding, gun-waving loons will turn on each other but work in coordinated gangs. Given the very first movie has someone kill their friend for ruing a dramatic speech, why would anyone trust anyone else that night? Yet we have gangs of Arkham rejects organized and full of trust exercises as they wave axes around school-buses and never once turn on each other as they face the inevitable frustration of trying to find helpless victims in an underpopulated capital with everyone hiding indoors.

9) In the first film, there's a lot of rationalization from the killers that going on Purge rampage is a spiritual experience that gets all the evil out of you and that it is the duty of all Americans to reach this point of emotional equilibrium. So I take it no therapists exist in America any more? Or anyone who thought maybe you could just put LSD in the water supplies, TELL everyone they'd had a religious experience? Maybe they could put anti-psychotics in the tap water and at least control the carnage before it spirals out of control.

10) Things spiral out of control. By the second movie, people seems to have noticed that after six years there are no law enforcement folk who punish you for violating purge rules despite what they say on the brochure. This means that people start using ridiculously amounts of dakka, flame-throwers, bazookas. It also means that the Purge's secondary option - you can go looting without getting arrested - is overtaken by murderers who don't want to let any witnesses see them breaking the rules.

11) The punishment for violating the Purge rules is apparent summary execution by hanging. Rather than say shoot the rabid fucker through the head. No, take on the chainsaw-waving nutter in the Guy Fawkes mask and try to hang him from a lamppost. That'll intimidate the rest of the nutters and they won't at all murder you en masse and then firebomb your corpses to remove the evidence. Morons.

12) Yeah, everyone gets a whole year to prepare. But somehow, no one thought of selling bullet proof vests, body armor or even knock-out gas grenades to the minorities to protect themselves - even though this would A) make them a fortune and B) create and maintain a large client base. Or at least to the killing crews, not one of which seem prepared even for friendly fire.

13) Why hasn't, say, the radical Greenpeace faction used drones to slaughter everyone on the streets of America on Purge Night as clear proof they intended to murder people? What's America doing to do? Complain about legal murder they made legal? The only explanation is that the rest of the global village has looked at the idiots who thought this up, shaken their heads wearily, and decided to take over the USA once they've all killed each other.

14) I cannot stress this enough, dead people do not make you money. They don't pay taxes. They don't contribute to society. There's not even a Solyent Green Davrosburger scheme to recycle the corpses! And then the New Founding Fathers realize that all the murderers have murdered each other, and so have to hire out hit squads to murder more people. That's smart long term economic investment, isn't it? If they're so fussed, just let off a neutron bomb in downtown New York to cleanse the population! Quicker, cheaper and arguably more humane. I'd say it was ridiculous people this stupid got into power but, you know, Trump.

15) Even aside from the bizarre idea that everyone has perfect self control bar one day of the year, America is still left a corpse-filled ruin every twelve months. Subway systems are set on fire. Bridges blown up. That's got to take a lot of time and money to repair, and what about the other stuff like earthquakes, fires and floods that might occur as well? Plus everyone needs to be innocculated with cholera from all the rotting corpses. Won't the grieving middle-class families need counseling and reparations? And America can forget all about foreign aid because, get this, NO ONE WILL SUPPORT THESE PSYCHOS.

16) Just how do all the killer folk become experts on high-speed sadistic torture, flame-throwing and sadistic knife-throwing unless they train throughout the year? Makes their insistence on hiding their faces with horror masks bewildering. "Dear Nigella, always working in the gym on her neck-snap holds... I'm glad she wasn't there when that doll-faced psycho the exact size, weight, age and gender in a silly mask gutted my children like a Filipino fishmonger. So dear, how did you celebrate the holiday?"

17) Yes, that's right, Purge Day is officially a holiday. Does this mean ex-pats overseas take the day off to do some recreational homicide? Because, of course, that's perfectly logical anywhere outside America.

18) The Purge was instituted in 2017. It's still going strong by 2042. Did New Coke last that long? How has America survived this flawed process for a quarter of a century? Why is anyone on the continent still alive? Who would choose to stay there, let alone go there? Even those unaware of the New Founding Fathers being a corrupt quasi-Illuminati fascist regime would surely notice that only white men are allowed in positions of authority and all ethnic minorities have been exterminated in America?

19) So in 25 years time, calling people "cunt" and "cocksucker" will be the height of offensiveness? Hell, Deadwood took the sting out of those terms a decade ago. Given the evolution of language and the shifting of meanings - did you know, for example, "bloke" means a victim of anal rape? Yet we have Prime Ministers who crave ordinary folk calling them that - it suggests rather than some horrible old WASP insulting his enemies than Dr. Evil trying to do the Macarena and look cool...

20) And it takes 25 years before anyone points out the Purge technically counts as murder? I mean, you could believe no one accepted it, but apparently pointing out ritualized slaughter is a bit morally-iffy has never once occurred to folk who presumably grew up with Game of Thrones instead of The Brady Bunch as a baseline for wholesome American values. Did they all watch the Red Wedding and think that was awesome? How do they cope with all the episodes following that treat it as A BAD THING?

21) Given that the NFF haven't ever used the Purge to take out political opponents, it means no one for that era of death ever thought to challenge them. I mean, how do they keep winning over the public who all have murdered children, lovers, and parents. "Vote for me, and you have more uncertainty and death guaranteed!" "Our schools are awesome except they're all burnt down and all the kids are dead!" "Your leaders stab people to death in a church for shits and giggles but, hey, no GFC - is that a good deal or what?"

22) How come security cameras are still needed if crime is non-existent? Given the whole purpose of Godwin's Law, did no one notice a slight Nazi vibe to Aryan political leaders doing the Heil salute and shouting "WHITE POWER! PURGE AND PURIFY!"? Why is marijuana still illegal when murder isn't? Why hasn't anyone taken a first aide course given how useful that would be? Shouldn't combat armor for government death squads be tough enough to withstand razor blades? If the Purge is Halloween for Adults... what the hell happens on Halloween? Why has technology not improved by the year 2042 do people still do crossword books and not on iPads? If 99% of the population refuse to carry out the Purge and are the victims... why is the 1% not been hunted down and wiped out by now, since 100% are allowed access to weapons, etc. It should be a city of Home Alone lethal pranks! Going out to kill should logically be the riskiest thing you could do!

23) I'll be nihilistic and accept that there are Murder Tourists who come to America only to join in the killing - though notably they're all white Seth Efriken psychos - but why aren't they worried the natives won't use them as target practice? (Which - spoiler alert - they do.) And while murder may be legal in America that day, it isn't the rest of the world (or else they'd stay home) so now all the murder tourists are now infamous across the globe as murderers. Good luck with them getting jobs. "Hey, you were the bloke who went on TV saying you wanted to cruise the world killing people, you sick fuck!" "Yeah, but I got it out of my system!" "Wow, that sure makes you sound trustworthy YOU FUCKING MURDERER!" See how this falls down on even the basic idea of self-preservation? No one would trust you if the only thing stopping you going on a killing spree is the fear it might not be legal that particular day!

24) Purge Insurance, while expensive, apparently fixes absolutely damn everything no questions asked. They also raise the premiums before Purge Night. So they piss off all their customers within 24 hours of them being allowed to go on a killing spree. Smaaaaaaart.

25) The rowdy teen black girls who murder their own parents, literally cover their car in Christmas Tree lights so it's visible for miles and can't be driven properly, then run around in blood-encrusted tutus with creepy masks and absolutely no defense against other people shooting them when they decide they want a candy bar. At gun point. Frankly, you start to wonder how pathetic the 99% normal people are that they haven't dealt with a threat so lame even Operation: Delta could defeat them. Seriously, one gunshot wound to the leg and these harridans of apocalypse would be undone. Lame. And just what are the girls supposed to do tomorrow when their families are dead and the evil fascist government don't give a damn?

26) Their pal in the giant furry pig outfit using a buzz-saw sending sparks everywhere... shouldn't he be on fire by now?

27) All in all, the only good thing to come from this franchise was Rick & Morty's season two extravaganza Look Who's Purging Now. Which is freaking awesome. Especially the Purganol-free candy bars.

Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, living in perfect peace. Oh, I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence. That's right. What?! It's like "the purge," Morty. That movie "the purge"? Oh, have you been here before? No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the cleansing or the red time. There was this one world that called it just murder night. I-it's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. T-that's horrible! Yeah. You want to check it out?

Read more at: http://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewtopic.php?f=364&t=22643&sid=49dca89dbfae954002569d3958f86264

Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, living in perfect peace. Oh, I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence. That's right. What?! It's like "the purge," Morty. That movie "the purge"? Oh, have you been here before? No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the cleansing or the red time. There was this one world that called it just murder night. I-it's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. T-that's horrible! Yeah. You want to check it out?

Read more at: http://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewtopic.php?f=364&t=22643&sid=49dca89dbfae954002569d3958f86264

Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, living in perfect peace. Oh, I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence. That's right. What?! It's like "the purge," Morty. That movie "the purge"? Oh, have you been here before? No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the cleansing or the red time. There was this one world that called it just murder night. I-it's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. T-that's horrible! Yeah. You want to check it out?

Read more at: http://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewtopic.php?f=364&t=22643&sid=49dca89dbfae954002569d3958f86264

Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, living in perfect peace. Oh, I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence. That's right. What?! It's like "the purge," Morty. That movie "the purge"? Oh, have you been here before? No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the cleansing or the red time. There was this one world that called it just murder night. I-it's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge. T-that's horrible! Yeah. You want to check it out?

Read more at: http://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewtopic.php?f=364&t=22643&sid=49dca89dbfae954002569d3958f86264

SHOPKEEPER: Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, living in perfect peace.

RICK: Oh, I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence.

SHOPKEEPER: That's right.

MORTY: What?!

RICK: It's like The Purge, Morty. That movie? The Purge?

SHOPKEEPER: Oh, have you been here before?

RICK: No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called it just Murder Night. It's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge.

MORTY: T-that's horrible!

RICK: Yeah. You want to check it out?

MORTY: What?! No! What is your problem?!

RICK: Morty, grow up. If you don't want to watch, don't watch, but, you know, if you tell your mom about this, I'll purge you.

MORTY: You're the worst. And this planet is the worst. How can you be into this? You know, people are gonna kill each other.

RICK: So? What, you trying to sit here and tell me that if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, you don't click on it?

MORTY: No! Why... why would I do that? You do that?

RICK: I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Morty. But if you don't do it, I say it's because you're afraid of your own primal instincts. So you stuff them down and...

(The bells chime.)

RICK: Oh, oh! Shh. Shh. It's starting. Oh-ho-ho! Here we go.

MORTY: I'm not watching.

RICK: Yeah, yeah, yeah, your medal's in the mail. I'm gonna get a closer look. Whoa! Whoa, they are purging the fuck out of each other! Oh, my God! Oh fuck... That was... okay, yeah. T-that was gross. Wow. Man, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach on this one, Morty. Ugh. My appetite for purge-spectating got filled pretty quick. Oh, God...

(Rick throws up.)

Read more at: http://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewtopic.php?f=364&t=22643&sid=49dca89dbfae954002569d3958f86264