Doctor Who - Clickbait!

You can't please everyone. Anyone who says otherwise is lying, or using "alternative facts". Even so, surely fandom has reached the point where BBC policy to any reaction they make must be "Your opinions are inherently worthless, we gain nothing from your brief and fickle support, and you have done nothing to gain respect - in short, fuck off and die."

"You have an online forum. I have a gun. Who's opinion matters more right now?"

It's been a well-acknowledged good-natured paradox that the people who hate, despise and are most frustrated by Doctor Who are its fans, but this is just stupid. In 2012 Moffat tried to give them his most Moffaty-moffatness and everyone hated it. He backed up in 2013 and the fans hated it. He gave the fans what they wanted in 2014 and the public hated it. He tried to balance it out in 2015 and everyone hated it. Fans welcomed the idea that 2017 would be a clean slate appealing entirely to non-fan audiences, bringing in new viewers and restoring the show's standing in the public.

"Yeah, gritty realism, but my audience appreciation index is THIS big!"

But they hate it. They hate it's not dark and gritty and serious like it was in the days no one except them watched them. They hate the uplifting endings that kept normal people tuning in. They hate the lack of over-complicated mystery that drove away the public as much as they hate the spoon-fed lack of imagination that might keep them watching. You can sympathize up with a point that their favorite show has to whore itself out to the lowest common denominator to put food on the table, like a loving mother turned filthy prostitute to keep her children fed and clothed.

Up to a point, you can sympathize.

Up to a point.

And that point has been reached.

"I never liked you even when I tried to... I never liked you and I won't pretend to."

Sparacus, of course, sums it all up with his incisive review which is the most he's written in months:

3/10. Oh dear. It was all going so well. After two good monks episodes this one was ruined by the silly resolution with the Bill's mum nonsense. Emotional guff of the worst lazy writing kind. For me it ruined the whole trilogy of episodes. Lazy, emotional guff. The idea that Bill's love for her mum saves the world. Would shame even a hippy.

Pictured: A shamed hippy, yesterday

Apart from the idea that fascism can be defeated by unconditionally caring for reach other is "shameful", and the idea peace-loving alternative lifestyle people would be sickened at the idea of non-violent resolutions to situations, we have again the utter hypocrisy of this premise.

Twelve zombie monks with a brainwashing ray taking over a planet using zombie monk statues conveniently placed next to landmarks - perfectly logical and impressively realistic.

A woman's lifelong childhood fantasy of growing up with her mother briefly short-circuiting a brainwashing ray used by twelve monks to take over a planet - silly, lazy emotional guff.

Missy tries to think of something nice to say about that. And fails.

Plus the evidence that sparacus will only comment on Doctor Who if he hates it. And not just spara, GallifreyBase is awash every week with people filled with bile for every second of screen-time, every line of dialogue, every special effect. Moffat summed it up with people whining that he'd "mess up" Bill - ie, a character who he created and plotted out in every detail would only work if... he did nothing with it.

It doesn't work like that. It is, to quote the climax to Farscape, all or nothing you bastards.

You can't handle the truth. Or the fact the poster in the middle is blowing you a kiss.

The eight previous episodes of Doctor Who have been a stone-cold success. The reviewers love it, the public love it, there is a general vibe of "oh, it's good again!" and a whole new generation of people are finally giving the show a chance to impress them and being impressed!

Looking at The Lie of the Land as one of those people who has to compare every last detail with everything else and list all the influences and derivative origins (like those degenerates behind "RecyclingWatch" who seem to believe that imagination ended in 2006) and you might very well whinge you've seen it all before. With monuments, six months of an invaded world by brainwashing undone, the Doctor captured by the villains and humiliated on television, black-clad black-skinned companion being arrested as part of a ruse before the power of love resets everything... that was Last of the Time Lords, wasn't it?

"Yes I'm feeling like the EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD! Never, ever better! EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD! And if you think I'm losing it, just pretend it's wonderful! So wake up, baby! EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD!"

And then the Doctor sits down halfway through the episode and introduces Missy as "The Other Last of the Time Lords." Given he's never mentioned any "last of" to Bill in regards to his species, there can only be one reason for this line - a knowing wink to the audience, just like all those other winks through the years when as far back as Ian and Barbara they were expecting alien planets to be gravel quarries and to be mistaken for spies and/or murderers at every turn.

"There, there. So you're an inconsistently-characterized, easily-defeated villain. Look at how the Daleks and Cybermen did over their first three stories. You mark my words, you're way more successful than those Silence losers..."

The climax has the Doctor bitch human beings don't learn from their mistakes, tacitly implying that he does - and that can only work if he sees the patterns of past events about to recur. In short, yes, this is just like that thing with Martha and the Archangel Network all over again. The Doctor even turns to the Master to bluntly ask "OK, how would you deal with it now the shoe's on the other foot?"

The point is, therefore, that the character's reaction to the situation is the plot rather than the situation per se. Otherwise why wasn't Victoria screaming she was suffering deja vu through all those besieged bases and bumping into Yeti and crazed commanders every five minutes? Or Jo deciding to sleep in because it was obviously going to be the Master as DJ Retsam at the local disco? Or Bill deciding to leave the university because crazy shit keeps happening around the Doctor and people dying?

Big Finish has made a splash using the idea of remaking The Aztecs repeatedly, but replacing the titular Mexicans with some other historical scenario and Babs Wright with other companions. Yet do we complain that this moral dilemma/ideological schism is done over and sodding over again? No, because when it's Jamie ranting anti-English propaganda against the Doctor, or Leela siding with the Romans against the Britons or Erimem with her unique position where 90% of pure historicals are the far-distant future for her, are what the whole point is about! Capaldi's first episode had Donna and Pompeii fitted into the exact same mould to massive acclaim - and the ending also revolves around "guff" as Donna's love for the Doctor and for others lets them press the button and save Caecilius' family.

Come to think of it, bitching about the "power of love" seems downright bizarre. It's been in so many stories it's like watching CSI and complaining that they're investigating murders again, or that it's another bloody court case in Law and Order. The Doctor's entire raison d'tre is his love for others overriding the common sense to run back to the TARDIS and scarper.

She is ready to shoot the Doctor and then "beat the shit" out of Nardole. Fans of this family-friendly show are devastated when she doesn't. The general public wonder what the fuck is wrong with said fans and back away slowly.

The greatest ever story - officially - is Robert Holmes' The Caves of Androzani which is all about the power of love. Sharaz Jerk's undoubtedly powerful obsession with Peri destabilizes the stalemate of the Spectrox War, but its shown as hollow when our masked loon would rather throttle Morgus than tend to a dying girl. The Doctor, meanwhile, focuses on Peri at the cost of his own life because he loves her, and she and the rest of the companions love the Doctor and their love causes him to regenerate. There's no technobbable or anything like that. The Doctor does what he does for no other reason that love for Peri and regenerates for no other reason than the talking heads of people he loves bring him back to life.

"No! It's all about drugs and gun-running and grown up stuff like that! Love is soppy girl stuff and there's no way Robert Holmes would ever have used it as a dues ex machina! I DENY THIS REALITY! I - DENY - IT!!!!"

Compare to the following tale - officially the worst ever story - The Twin Dilemma. There is no power of love there. It's about a giant slug who kidnaps two children to make a sun explode. Who then dies when salt gets poured onto him. The Doctor's off his face throughout, all the characters are fanatical trigger-happy bastards and Peri doesn't even thank the Doctor for dying for her. It's also the story that historically killed the classic series and Moffat himself disowns it until Dragonfire which is another story about, get this, the power of love. The Seventh Doctor and Ace might be the most overwritten, screwed-up characters in the Whoniverse but they damn well love each other no matter what.

Since RTD brought the show back, "the power of love saves the day" ending has appeared in Rose, The Unquiet Dead, Aliens of London, Dalek, Father's Day, The Empty Child, The Parting of the Ways, School Reunion, The Girl in the Fireplace, Rise of the Cybermen, The Satan Pit, Love & Monsters, Doomsday, Gridlock, Evolution of the Daleks, 42, Human Nature, Last of the Time Lords, The Fires of Pompeii, Planet of the Ood, The Doctor's Daughter, The Unicorn and the Wasp, Silence in the Library, Midnight, Turn Left, Journey's End, The Next Doctor, The Water of Mars, The End of Time, The Beast Below, Victory of the Daleks, The Vampires of Venice, Amy's Choice, Vincent and the Doctor, The Lodger, The Pandorica Opens, A Christmas Carol, The Curse of the Black Spot, The Doctor's Wife, The Almost People, Let's Kill Hitler, Night Terrors, The Girl Who Waited, Closing Time, The Wedding of River Song, TDTWATW, Asylum of the Daleks, A Town Called Mercy, The Angels Take Manhattan, The Snowmen, The Rings of Akhaten, Cold War, Hide, The Crimson Horror, Nightmare in Silver, The Name of the Doctor, The Day of the Doctor, The Time of the Doctor, Time Heist, The Caretaker, Kill the Moon, In The Forest of the Night, Death in Heaven, Last Christmas, Before the Flood, The Woman Who Lived, The Zygon Invasion, Face the Raven, Heaven Sent, Hell-Bent, The Husbands of River Song, The Return of Doctor Mysterio, The Pilot, Thin Ice, Knock Knock, The Pyramid at the End of the World and now The Lie of the Land.

That's a lot of episodes. More than the "bigger on the inside" joke, really. Complaining about it is as bewildering as complaining they use Ron Grainer's melody every week, when you think about it.

"A brainwashing parallel-timeline amnesia-zombie alien invasion?" "Must be Saturday..."

So let us look at The Lie of the Land as NEW, NORMAL PEOPLE would see it. We see the world invaded using fake news and propaganda, the buzz words and excuses of Donald Trump (who is getting more of a thrashing in the last two episodes than Thatcher got in a decade of Classic Who) used to tear families apart and justify mob attacks. A whole story about the danger of not thinking for yourself and taking everything on trust, but also Bill having to take responsibility for her actions when a moment of weakness and compassion leads to disaster, proving good intention pave the road to hell. The Doctor reverts to his asshole persona as he derides mankind for going backwards, before showing his absolute desperation not to take the "easy" route of sacrificing lives for the greater good. Yes, the Doctor's fake regeneration was just stuff that looked good in the trailers, but it was as justified as the same stunt in The Impossible Astronaut if not Journey's End (if the monks had been spying on the test, they would have expected the pixie dust explosion) but given a new audience needs to get used to the idea the Doctor will change his face at Christmas, this dry-run would be a fascinating bit of foreshadowing.

"PSYCHE! Seriously, you people can't keep falling for this! I've been pulling this stunt since 2008! The handy-hand, Jackson Lake, the Impossible Astronaut, the false start hiccup on Trenzalore, letting Davros steal all my mojo, Ollistra's sex-change... you morons just refuse to learn from history, don't you?"

Toby Whithouse refuses some themes from Being Human (fair enough) as we get cabals of media-manipulating bastards "enforcing worship in city-sized churches", justifying carnage with the Romans, the refusal to save the day by killing an innocent girl, villains starting to crumble at the return of their conscience, as well as a trio of dour-bastard-chubby-nerd-happy-black-girl go on the run from a world turned against them. And the subliminal flashes are just like The God Complex. Is that bad that I recognized this? Is the episode totally devoid of worth since I spot a similarity?

Of course not. In fact, the conclusion to this trilogy takes some of the roughness off three separate episodes that were clearly not written to be a single story. It's impossible to reconcile the sadistic gamers of Extremis with the master-tacticians of TPATEOTW who here are so utterly arrogant they've never once tried to analyze one of their defeats despite being so anal they even told their simulations they were simulations just to see what happened. No doubt that Lie of the Land been a standalone episode, the first fifteen minutes would have had a totally different beginning before the fake-out-regeneration-test business. Either way, the trilogy's purpose to shake up the established format (where Bill is totally clueless about the vault, Missy and Nardole) to a new one (where Missy's redemption and outside threats to the world) is set up.

"No, this is not just Sherlock's evil little sister routine all over again! How very dare you!"

While I'm not really impressed with the Truth Monks, I am interested in the way they're the first villains since the Master to get a full three consecutive weeks dominating the storyline and thus a unique chance to get into the public consciousness. Daleks, Cybermen, Sontarans, Weeping Angels, Silence... none ever got more than two weeks in a row to dominate the show. Emojibots and David Suchet might have been more awesome, but they were there and gone in a flash.

We actually might have a new "giant maggot" where in the future online chatrooms with drunks fondly recall "the one with the zombie monks and fake news" and speak nostalgically of all those classics where Bill was clit-blocked by various high-ranking officials and the Doctor was blind. Of course, that was back in the proper series before Hayley Attwell took over and they did all those stupid interactive choose-your-perspective episodes with 3D printers attached. Oh, what has happened to the magic of Doctor Who?!

"You look better - I look better - they look better - we look better in the dark..."

In summary, this could have been better but it could also have been much worse. It has also demonstrated just how insular and toxic fandom (well, the most vocal and critical bits of fandom) have become. Like Mad Larry's Radio Thymes website where he gave a detailed list for why he hated every single TV show on television, they've finally run out of oxygen for fuel. I'm reminded of The Silver Chair, as Puddleglum deals with the Green Lady's "is this real or a dream" trap by arguing that he'll go for the one he likes and makes him happy rather than trying to waste time justifying his decision.

If you don't have time for fun Doctor Who with happy endings and the power of love, just what do you have to offer instead? What's so good about this idealized version of the show reality keeps depriving you of? And what a miserable bunch of assholes you are. I'm glad I don't sit on the couch next to you when it's on.

Especially you lot whining about the ratings. Yeah, you. You suck.

(Though it's a pity the Doctor didn't list Autons as well as the other monsters, as we would have had flashback clips to the Ninth Doctor as well as the Tenth, Eleventh and Twelfth...)

Um, this appears to be the poster this week. I have no comment.

Meanwhile... Whovians continues to not-get-even-worse with the lack of Bargo but the guests seem to have little to no understanding of what they're actually watching and ask all sorts of bewildering questions that show they're not paying attention to anything they're seeing. It's stopped being offensive to being... well, totally bleeding irrelevant. I mean, it doesn't even merit hatred nowadays. With all their obsessing over a story arc repeatedly thrown in their face, the whole thing is a complete waste of time.

Sorry. It just is.