Countdown to Armageddon

I really should insist I wrote this yesterday, and I have the emails to prove it. The joke of course was that I was trying to guess wrong...




[In an unsanitary North London slum dwelling, the sort of place squatters avoid because they have standards, three archetypal 1980s alternative comedy characters are waiting for the next season of Game of Thrones to start streaming on Netflix.]

VYVYAN: Bored. Bored. Bored! Bored!

[Vyvyan swings a broken cricket bat around and starts hitting Rick over the head in time with the bat.]

VYVYAN: Bored! Bored! Bored!

[Vyvyan takes a mighty swing and hits himself, knocking himself over.]

VYVYAN: Bored!!

[Rick laughs, only noticing his mild concussion as Vyvyan gets up.]

RICK: Well, why don't we play a game?

VYVYAN: Oh, boring!

RICK: Oh, come along now. What about we guess the identity of the next actor to play Doctor Who?

VYVYAN: What about we eat an entire curry every time the bloke in House of Cards addresses the camera?

RICK: [smirks] Vyvyan, Vyvyan.

[Vyvyan hits Rick again, knocking him off his chair. Vyv sits down.]

RICK: Come on, come on. Let's play guess the next Doctor. Come on, I'll start. [laughs] I'm going for... a man this time!

[Mike and Vyvyan look at each other, very confused.]

VYVYAN: Pervert!

RICK: I mean, I think that the next Doctor Who will be a man.

[Pause. Mike continues reading his magazine.]

MIKE: Fair enough.

RICK: Well, do you?

MIKE: It's either gonna be a man or a woman, so it's not like there's a huge choice, is there?

VYVYAN: Yeah. Moron.

RICK: It could be a transgender person who does not identify as man or woman.

MIKE: It could be a potted begonia, Rick. But you still said a man.

VYVYAN: Yeah, Mr. Feminist! Oh dear, what WOULD Cliff Richard say?

RICK: Oh, this is getting stupid! Look, let's start again. The new Doctor Who is in that magazine, right? So, I guess who it might be, right? Say... Kris Marshall. And then I give you a clue as to who I'm guessing.

MIKE: By telling us it's Kris Marshall.

RICK: No, I'd give you the first letter of their second name. In this case, M. Then you'd have to guess who I guessed is the new Doctor Who.

MIKE: All right, let me have a try. [pause] Is it Kris Marshall?

RICK: No, no. I mean, yes, I am but you're not allowed to ask me directly, you see? You have to say something like "Is it the idiot layabout son in My Family before it was total crap?"

MIKE: Is it the idiot layabout son in My Family before it was total crap?

RICK: Good. Now, suppose I didn't know who you were talking about...

MIKE: Kris Marshall.

RICK: Yes yes yes, but supposing I didn't know that.

MIKE: You'd be pretty stupid, I already told you three times.

RICK: Yes, but say I've forgotten. You then have to say the most recent TV role they were in!


VYVYAN: How about a repeat of My Family before it was total crap on the youtube channel?

RICK: No! It'd be "Is it the English detective with sunburn in Death in Paradise who quit the exact same day as it was announced there'd be a new Doctor Who?"

MIKE: Kris Marshall.

RICK: Exactly. And I'd say "yes!"

VYVYAN: Well, no one else in their right mind would.

RICK: Look, can we just get on with the game, please?! This conversation is getting rather tedious.

VYVYAN: I was just beginning to enjoy myself.

RICK: Right. I'm choosing a man who's last name begins with the letter... W!

MIKE: W. [pause] Is it the English detective with sunburn in Death in Paradise who quit the exact same day as it was announced there'd be a new Doctor Who?
____

[Some time later, Vyvyan and Mike are still bored, but Rick is running around, quite excited and deep in thought.]


MIKE: [sighs] Is it someone who appeared in the entire second series of Broadchurch?

RICK: Oooh, yes, I know this one! Ummm, oh God, it's on the tip of my tongue. Ummmmm, ahhhh, no, it's no good. You'll have to tell me, Michael.

MIKE: Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

RICK: Oh, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, of course! Wait a minute. She's a woman! Honestly, people people people! How are we going to play this game...?

VYVYAN: Hold it, I've got one. "Is it the unfunny straight man to that twat in The Inbetweeners who goes home every Friday night to scrounge off his parents when you're not a Roman slave unable to get your rocks off with a vestal virgin?"

RICK: No, it's not Tom Rosenthal! And anyway, his name begins with an R, you cheat!

[Vyvyan and Mike get up and go in the kitchen. Rick follows them]

RICK: Do you give up?

VYVYAN: If we give up, can we stop playing this stupid boring game?

[Vyvyan and Mike sit at the kitchen table.]

RICK: Of course you can.

VYVYAN & MIKE: [together] We give up.

RICK: And I'm the winner and I'm the best person in the house?

VYVYAN & MIKE: [together] Yes!

RICK: Fine, I'll tell you then. It was Jodie Whitaker!

[Rick steps back and waits for their surprise, but is met with irrelevance.]

VYVYAN & MIKE: [together] Who?

RICK: You know, the one from Broadchurch?

VYVYAN: The one who had the baby? Who was mother of the boy killed in the first series?

RICK: [face falls] Yes.

MIKE: The one who probably self-identifies as a woman.

RICK: He could just be a bloody good actor, have you thought about that?