Single Fiction reviews (i)

TimeLord Single Fiction is an archive of short stories, so named as to differentiate them from Random Fiction (round robin stories with each chapter by someone else). Set up in the late 90s, archived, lost, partially recovered and then lost again, it's never been reviewed. All these stories can be found either here or here, but since all the writers have seemingly abandoned their interest in Doctor Who, a definitive review can at last be made. There may be a few spoilers, but then, aren't there always?


The First Doctor Collection

Before the Doctor (James Stewart) looks at Theta Sigma's teenage years where he was a wisecracking desk jockey with a lame old-fashioned boss and a perpetually-horny girlfriend in the Rani. Is this meant to be a parody of some American focus group take on the series? Mercifully brief and thankfully the only installment of "Young Dr. Who".

The Doctor's past is further explored in another abortive saga, Between Hello & Goodbye (AbbyRomana) in a short vignette of him seeing his newborn granddaughter for the first time. Cute if nothing else.

Universal Constant (Nix Nada) is a charming bit of confusion as the First Doctor and Susan steal the TARDIS which has been left behind by a future Doctor returning to Gallifrey to retire. No, it doesn't make sense, but it's quick and fun and compelling.

The Ninth Doctor, reeling from the Time War, visits the First Doctor for advice in James Stewart's Homeless. Neither incarnation is in character, and even aside from the narcissism of turning to your younger self for a pep talk, the First Doctor's advice is basically "You need to get laid." The efforts to be deep and meaningful fail utterly.

Broken Dreams (Daniel Iveson) is a more convincing portrayal of the First Doctor and Susan, with them breaking their low profile to help a suicidal teenage girl. Yet another short-lived series, but at least it gets past the first episode with the original character Joanne encountering other Doctors.

Train of Thought (Loretta Thessane) is a confusing tale that seems better suited to a modern Doctor, given he is helping out Time War refugees. In this case, the 1000-word limit is hampering the point.

Finally, we get a multi-part saga that's actually finished in Mark Simpson's Prelude. The blunt, straightforward name suits this absolutely unsurprising straightforward by-the-numbers tale of the TARDIS arriving in 1963 and the lead up to the very first episode. Susan spots some school children and decides to visit a school. The Doctor hears the phrase "bury your problems" and so hides the Hand of Omega. Old Man Steptoe turns up to handily give the Doctor the means to take over Foreman's scrapyard.

The first five chapters lead up to An Unearthly Child. The sixth features the amnesiac Eighth Doctor and John Lennon teaming up (because of course they do) to scour Coal Hill School for the clues to his true identity, but are just a few seconds too late. It's even stupider as it sounds because this implies the Doctor's entire stuck-on-Earth arc was one giant French farce with him constantly missing himself; if it wasn't, he would have been involved in the last two stories which tie into Remembrance of the Daleks. Functional, but with slightly more effort put into it.

Notes From Oblivion (Magnus Greel) is yet another opening salvo of a saga that goes nowhere, in this case a deliberate rewriting of history as we see the twin stories of An Unearthly Child and Remembrance of the Daleks leading to the First Doctor kidnapping Ian and Barbara as the Hand of Omega destroys the Earth. Well written and apocalyptic, it's a pity it ends up such a non-sequitur.

Marco Polo Mint (Cliff Chapman) is an infantile comedy skit suggesting Ping-Cho was a pokemon. Oh my sides.

Time Travelling with Dinosaurs (Kaye Redhead) is poorly-written, badly-characterized, plotless and irritating. The TARDIS gets eaten by a dinosaur, and our heroes have to dig their way out of a pile of thunder lizard dung - except for Barbara, who has become a jungle warrior killing raptors! Laugh? I nearly took out a hit on the author.

The Eve of Revolution (Ed Sherrouse) is a pure historical as the TARDIS crew arrive in Russia at the titular time and get involved in a palace intrigue with kidnaps and betrays and an incredibly dull and uninteresting Rasputin. Somehow this manages to be worse than other DW takes on the period, despite the lack of pretension. This is the first in the Decades series, which lasted longer than most other of these multi-Doctor sagas.

In Memory (Loretta Thessane) sees the Doctor and Barbara bonding further following Susan's departure, in a short tale known as a millestone - like a drabble only ten times as long. Obvious but enjoyable.

Monsoon Bay (Simon Skupham) is a vague sneeze of a tale as the Doctor and Barbara worry that the TARDIS has been washed away and Ian has drowned. It's barely a spoiler to say they aren't, but it's notable for the portrayal of the First Doctor as more Matt Smith than William Hartnell, impressive given it was written in the 90s...

The Old Rugged Cross by the same author has slightly more of a plot, but is very grim and cryptic with a demonic entity killing 20th Century hikers before, um, accidentally killing itself. The TARDIS crew are convincingly rattled by the encounter, but so much is left unclear and unspoken it's borderline irrelevant.

Roman Holiday (Mark Simpson) revolves around finding Ian and Barbara's anachronisms endearing. It's not too much of an ask, but if you're not in the mood to go "Awww" you're better off skipping it.

At last, a multi-Doctor saga starts with an actual ending on the horizon, but it was a pity it was Simon Skupham's bewilderingly uninteresting Nine Lives. In the first episode, Rocket Man, the TARDIS crew hang around the funeral of someone somewhere doing something important for some reason. There are no answers, no motivations, not even a clear of any plot. If you come out of this giving a damn about the next installment, you're cleverer than I am.

Step Back in Time (Mark Simpson) feels like another anecdote the TARDIS crew might tell, but certainly isn't worth more than a few lines. After watching Tony Robinson's Time Team dig away at a ruined abbey, the time travelers accidentally go back in time and see it before it was ruined. That's it. Big deal.

Edward (Loretta Thessane) is a bewilderingly pointless tale of the Meddling Monk altering events of The Chase so that Ian is killed. He does this by tricking the TARDIS crew into taking in the titular stray cat. Why these idiots insisted on taking a cat with them to fight Daleks and Mechanoids is never explained, or why the Monk wants Ian dead or why the hell anyone would be interested in the story to start with.

Stowaway in Space (Jason Cook) is another abandoned project, with an annoying and curiously-ugly nine year old boy deciding to join the TARDIS crew without their knowledge or permission at the end of an unseen adventure. Given we have no idea who the titular stowaway is or any idea how he relates to the Doctor, Vicki and Steven, it almost feels like a postmodern take on Mary Sues. Or maybe it's just crap.

Set in Stone is an installment in Mark Simpson's Time's Edge 50th Anniversary saga. Thus it fits the format of audio line up meets new series villains thanks to the Silence and then a disguised new series ally turns up and saves the day. On this occasion it's the Doctor, Steven and Oliver meeting the Weeping Angels thanks to the Silence and then a disguised River Song saves the day. Don't expect much excitement, adventure or even novelty.

A Close Call (Simon Skupham) is a lighthearted pure historical where the Doctor and Steven avoid bloodshed by humiliating their own allies, but is probably a bit too short to really appreciate. It feels like the punchline to a Family Guy style cutaway, but makes a nice change from the morbid period.

The same team and the same writer are involved in Zablon Judgement, which is a bizarre tale of alien deserts, incomprehensible space vendettas and Steven (or "Stephen" as he is here) meeting his evil identical double. You think he'd be quicker on the uptake in The Massacre, which this leads directly into, wouldn't you? Over-complicated and meaningless.

Dodo joins the pair in Turtle Power (Mark Simpson) when they come to the aid of an ungrateful Chelonian. Brief and heavy-handed in its take on the moral high ground, it adds nothing and manages to even spoil an obnoxious 80s catchphrase into the bargain.

A Cartridge in a Pear Tree (Steve Lake) is the first installment of The Twelve Doctors of Christmas, a smart yuletide tale of the TARDIS crew defeating an assassination attempt in Victorian London. Fun, and well-characterized.

The Perpetrated Outrage (Simon Skupham) shows the Doctor and Dodo causing trouble in a futuristic shopping centre, a fun shaggy dog story that makes Dodo feel like more of a real companion than any number of books, audios of TV episodes.

Picnic of Death (Eric Bakke) is a luridly-titled skit that struggles to give a dark, gritty, edgy vibe to the end of series three and portend the end of the era. It is therefore ludicrously overblown and feels like a parody.

Family Portrait (Simon Skupham) pits the First Doctor, Ben and Polly against an alien art exhibition. It's funny, clever and has a real thematic point, and is unsurprisingly ranked as one of the best fics on the site. The cameos from First Doctor monsters helps give an end-of-an-era feel and appropriately ends the collection.

Lastly, is the unusual I'm Gonna Love You Too (Steve Lake) which is a real world tale of a NuWho-loving child bonding with his stepmother when she introduces him to Hartnell stories on DVD. Because it's about being able to love different things at once, etc. Hopefully based on real events, given the happy ending.


The Second Doctor Collection

Echoes of the Present (Simon Skupham) is a thousand-word sequel to The Space Museum featuring the newly-regenerated Doctor, Ben and Polly. It's too short to do much, and ends up being the set up for a lame pun which appears to be the only reason it was written at all. Totally disposable.

The writer and the same TARDIS team are much better in Criminal Neglect where they become trapped in what at first glance appears to be a suburban house, until they check the attic... Eerie, clever, heartwarming and with more than a hint of the themes Heaven Sent will explore, this is a vast improvement all round.

Just as The Eve of Revolution was set in the 1910s, the 1920s are the next stop for the pure historical Decades series. The Great Entertainer (Sophie Jensen) sees the Doctor and Polly mistaken for a cabaret act by a mob of gangsters and trying to escape on stage. Another fun escapade for this underused TARDIS team.

But it couldn't last forever with Ecky Thump! (Mark Ritchie) another thousand-word effort as the camply-cynical world of Iris Wildthyme briefly impinges on the Second Doctor's life. Stupid people do stupid things and then die horribly. Oh what laughs are had, eh? No, thought not.

Surprise Party (Kaye Redhead) sketches in what could have been a good story with the TARDIS crew suffering cabin fever, but they're all such easily-fixed caricatures it's barely worth noticing. Still, it's trying harder than some of the other stories around it.

Simon Skupham's incomprehensible Nine Lives continues with The One which is as much gibberish as the previous installment, except it's a different TARDIS crew and the problem is a sports field. Why you'd pick that title for the second chapter with the Second Doctor is one of many imponderable questions.

Little Acorns (Mark Simpson) hurls the Second Doctor, Jamie and Victoria up against the Krynoids and... it's barely worth breaking a sweat over. The TARDIS lands at a botanical institute where the Doctor is told all the stuff he can talk about in The Seeds of Doom, and the Krynoids prove to be slightly less threatening than dead hamsters. The idea of a Krynoid fusing with a machine is as ridiculous as the lengths taken to get a James Bond gag.

Steve Lake's The Twelve Doctors of Christmas continues in Two Turtle Doves, who's attempt to humanize Chelonians in a space-war Christmas Truce feels a very strained attempt to make the titles relevant. Would Victoria really be able to see past the appearance of giant homicidal turtles to their inner goodness?

Day at the Cinema (Chris Pollard) is a fun vignette that does rely on Jamie and Victoria being unable to understand the concept of fiction, or plays or TV screens. Nonetheless, their reaction to the plot of Planet of Apes is quite poignant, especially given the time the story (and Doctor Who) was set.

Change for the Bitter (Steve Lake) is a dark and nasty tale of Jamie accidentally changing history and the Doctor mercilessly changing it back as the Time Lords watch on, doing nothing. Is this some tie in to I, Claudius? Is it a sequel to another fan fic? Just why don't we see Victoria? Uncomfortable reading.

Refuge (by Simon Skupham) feels like a Season Five greatest hits album as we get a base-under-siege story with the Cybermen attacking a monastery. Let's hope the miraculous holy water they've come for doesn't conveniently turn out to be lethal to Cybermen, eh, readers? If you're in the right mood, it's quite a good read. If.

The Cross of Castell (Simon Skupham) once again sees the TARDIS crew as bewildered bystanders to a self-resolving situation, in this case some corrupt committee on an alien planet. Everything remotely interesting happens off screen and the Doctor's only contribution is to call for bodybags. Who cares? Seriously, who cares?

Time's Edge: River of Ice (Mark Simpson) sees the Second Doctor, Jamie, Zoe and UNIT fighting Ice Warriors who have frozen the Thames. Nothing new to see here, nothing you've not seen elsewhere and probably better but not using Professor Song in a story with this title is just damned stupid.

A Lass (Eric Bakke) sees a teleport malfunction turn Jamie into a woman! Haha! Can you imagine the plot potential? The author can't, so immediately reverses it in this skit. Blink and you'll miss it, so I advise blinking.

Race to Zero (Garry Cobbum) is a funny, sweet little skit about the Doctor's relationship with Zoe. Recommended.

It Happened At The Hotel Capella (Simon Skupham) is another depressing tale of the TARDIS crew on the outskirts of the plot, in this case the Doctor casually lets an omnivorous alien devour some gangsters at a hotel, but no one seems fussed about this. A poor cousin to the Second Doctor/gangster fun of The Great Entertainer.

Two of Hearts (Kaye Redhead) is a simple idea of the Doctor stopping a bystander from dying, but gets a bit creepy when he starts giving all sorts of hints about said bystander's future. It's not meant to be creepy, but it feels way too manipulate and stalkerish to be comfortable with.

Broken Dreams: The Little Man (Daniel Iveson) covers the same idea far better as the Second Doctor checks up on Joanne. Mind you, the excuse that Susan "immigrated" rather than "emigrated" is an annoying flaw, as is the Doctor's clear disinterest in this reunion.

The Yellow Box (Simon Skupham) is another overly-cryptic and ambiguous tale that might have the Time Lords using the Second Doctor as an assassin. Or maybe not. Why Jamie and Zoe don't demand some explanations at the end of this prolonged murder is the hardest part to swallow.

Time Shatters (Magnus Greel) is another vignette of anti-continuity AU porn. The TARDIS travels into the far future where the Borg from Star Trek rules the universe, Zoe ceases to exist and the Second Doctor regenerates into a one-armed Tom Baker. It's one thing to retcon Genesis of the Daleks as part of an anti-Borg Time Lord scheme, but having the Second Doctor reveal this to Jamie is another...

Now, Season 6B rears its ugly and ultimately-retconned face. Time Raider (by Kaye Redhead) is a Tomb Raider story guest-starring the Second Doctor and Jamie. Unengaging, overcomplicated, difficult to follow and often boring. Avoid.

Outside the Wall (Mark Ritchie) is an AU to The War Games where the Doctor's punishment was being trapped on Gallifrey. A non-evil Master is on hand to offer him an alternative to this house arrest, but I'm at a loss as to what this rewriting of events is supposed to achieve bar fill up the word count.

Finally come Mark Simpson's Season 6B which is a disappointment in every respect, with the most weary Occam Razor, straightforward and imagination-free take on the Second Doctor as a CIA Agent.

Boggle at The Unwilling Volunteer as the Time Lords outline the entire premise of the series, even down to the fact they know the Doctor will try and double-cross them, solely to fit The Two Doctors into continuity (admittedly, it does this very well).

Jamie is replaced with Damon from Arc of Infinity in the relatively-novel Derelict where he helps the Doctor investigate a spooky spaceship with an original alien menace for once (they were the enemies of the Jaggaroth, so don't feel left out).

Colony shows us the fate of the Human Daleks and it's so tediously uninteresting - a group of market gardeners who can't spot a crook - that extermination has to be the better fate.

Maelstrom and it's direct sequel Prisoners of Wonshu show Simpson has no idea what to with this series as we get a rehash of The Three Doctors with an undead maniac ruling an empire inside a black hole and press-ganging the Doctor into giving it the liberty of oblivion.

Life on Earth is a dull framing story to The Five Doctors, but it's light years better than The Empress of Evil which has the Doctor tell the Brigadier of the Terrible Zodin. Ask a complete stranger to come up with a story about the Terrible Zodin and they'll come up with something better. It's so obscenely bad it boggles the mind no one has taken it down. Empress is a fan fic worthy of the deepest orders of hell, and deserves solitary confinement.

While Future's End might be a fanwank collision, at least there's some suspense and interest as the Doctor is sent on one last mission to defeat the Cybermen. His subsequent death, regeneration and exile aren't high drama but do have a novelty value of being treated with clinical disdain by all concerned.

All in all though, thank the gods that The Black Hole rendered all of this officially impossible...