Stubborn As Ever

Doctor WHO

The TARDIS whirls thorugh time and space carrying Dr. Who and Clara to an unknown destination. Suddenly the strange vehicle begins to materialize beneath a rocky over-hang...

Doctor: We've come to rest on the edge of a jungle, Clara! Och, it wouldn't take much to bring that rocky over-hang crashing down on the TARDIS!
Clara: Nah, it's probably been sticking out like that for a thousand years...

ED'S NOTE: Do not think about what might happen next if you don't want to ruin the surprise!

Clara: Besides, the TARDIS is indestructible, isn't it?
Doctor: Oh yeah, so it is. I dunno what strange foreboding came over me.
Clara: It's probably nothing! Let's explore the jungle!

But on a nearby planet, others have spotted the vulnerable position of the TARDIS...

Mire 1: Our enemies have left their space vehicle in a dangerous place... Send a rocket to disturb the mountainside!
Mire 2: YES!! Let it be done!
Mire 1: Jeez, what a drama queen.

Soon a Mire pilot is over the area, streaking a powerful missile into the mighty crag...

Missile: WHUMPH!
Rocky outcrop: KERAAK! RUMBLE!
TARDIS: Oh for fuck's sake...

Meanwhile, a little way into the jungle...

Clara: What on earth?
Doctor: Are we on earth?
Clara: It's an expression.
Doctor: Pretty crap expression.
Clara: I was referring to that "Whumph! Keraak! Rumble!" sound and wondering what it could pordent?
Doctor: Well, obviously that rocky overhang, the one you insisted couldn't possible come crashing down on the TARDIS, has come crashing down on the TARDIS! It's buried under tons of rock... what caused this disaster?
Clara: That plane had something to do with it!
Doctor: What plane? Not more 9-11 anti-terrorism soapbox rhetoric, Clara, it's getting old!

Then suddenly...

Clara: A FLYING SAUCER?!?
Doctor: Make your mind up, Clara! Plane, flying saucer, flying saucer, plane...
Clara: Okay, it's definitely a flying saucer.
Doctor: You know, you're normally more blaze about these sort of things, given you were jaded and cynical after being through my entire timestream.
Clara: I was trying something new.
Doctor: What? Not being utterly annoying?
Clara: Don't worry, you can pick up the slack, you whiny emo fuckwit. Now, what do we make of this convenient flying saucer burying the TARDIS?
Doctor: It's all part of a plot, Clara...
Clara: Oh, we've got a plot this week have we?
Doctor: Indeed we do, you maladorous bitch-whore. Quick, head for the jungle!

The flying saucer burns itself a landing area out of the equatorial forest below.

Mire 1: A clearing will soon be prepared... Stand by to land!

Later...

Doctor: One of my adversaries has planned our doom... first they sabotage the TARDIS, now they hunt us in a flying saucer!
Clara: ...it has to be the Mire!
Doctor: The Mire? Not the Daleks or the Cybermen or the Sontarans or the Ice Warriors or even some random aliens in alliance with Missy, but the MIRE?

A few hundred yards behind, the Mire are making startling progress.

Mire 1: Clear the way with your rays! The space travellers cannot be far away!

Mire guns: ZZZBB! ZZZZZBB!

Doctor: Oh, lucky guess, Clara!
Clara: It's hopeless with only bare hands against this undergrowth!
Doctor: I fear you're right, Clara... The Mire must be almost on top of us!
Clara: What makes you say that?
Doctor: Well, they're standing right behind us.
Clara: Ah. Shit.

Mire 2: THERE! Up ahead... I have seen our prey!
Mire 1: Total fricken drama queen!
Mire 2: Show them no m-e-r-c-y! D-E-S-T-R-O-Y THEM!

Mire guns: FLASH!
Tree:  KR-A-AK!

Doctor: Make a sprint for it, Clara... We'll have to hide. We can't out-run them!
Clara: It's no good, Doctor... The Mire are right behind us!
Doctor: I know! I told you that, you dim tart!

A little later...

Mire 2: Our enemies appear to have escaped... Find them!
Mire 1: Where did they go? There is only that tree right in front of us? The tree we just blew up!
Mire 2: Their deviousness knows no bounds!

Crouched hiding halfway up that same tree, the space travelers are aware only of the danger below... not of the threat from above...

Leopard: RRRAH!
Doctor: By the planets... a leopard!
Clara: It'll give us away!
Doctor: Let's give this dangerous pet to the Mire! While the Mire deal with the leopard, we'll slip away!
Clara: I always thought you cared about dumb animals.
Doctor: I do, which is why I haven't thrown you to the Mire yet.
Clara: Oh piss off you maladorous pervert.

The Doctor pulls down the overhanging branch and the big cat tumbles down towards the hideous robots below...

Leopard falling out of tree into Mire: THUD!
Leopard: RAWG!
Mire 1: Kill the strange creature! D-e-s-t-r-o-y it!
Mire 3: But it's so cute!
Mire 1: Let's tickle its tummy. Prrr!

The Doctor and Clara swing away on jungle vines...

Doctor: I think they've found their spirit animal.
Clara: A brain-damaged predator with constipation?
Doctor: Seems obvious in retrospect, doesn't it?

Next week Dr. Who and Clara make an action-packed stand against the power of the Mire... Don't miss the thrills of the dramatic outcome next week!