2.5 Minute Fictions

Breaking Dumb

"So, Mr. D, you'll definitely give me extra credit for this after-class chemical stuff?"

"Indeed, KEVIN, you have FOR ONCE managed to grasp a concept with the SAME ALACRITY as you would AN OVAL BALL WRAPPED IN SWINE-FLESH! Now, just remember, when you offer it to your FELLOW TROGLODYTES, you make it known that the FIRST taste AND NO OTHER is FREE! And if you mention any of this to anyone outside this lab, YOU WILL LEARN FIRST HAND THE RATIO OF SULFURIC ACIDS NEEDED to BOIL your WORTHLESS CARCASS till it wouldn't FILL AN ASHTRAY!"

"No worries, Mr. D, I don't want anyone to know about this."

"That is a wise decision, Mr. Thompson. It might just save your life."

"You know, I had no idea how much sudafed you needed to make dry ice..."

"For the upteenth time, Kevin, this ISN'T DRY ICE! IT'S A DIFFERENT ICE ALTOGETHER!"

"All right! Science, bitches!"



Daria Meets God

Daria looked around the vast office, drawing a fingertip through the thick layer of dust that had gathered on the desktop - at least, the bits not drowned in memos from the overflowing IN box. The OUT box had clearly been empty for a very long time.

A near-mummified post-it note with the words OUT TO LUNCH, HOLD MY CALLS scratched hastily into it clung to the massive writing pad in the middle of the desk.

Daria regarded the sight for a long time. "I cannot even pretend to be surprised. Oh, well, I might as well get started." She plucked the first memo off the pile and studied it for a moment. "Hmm. Adam and Steve, you say? Why the hell not?" She reached out to the intercom and pressed it.

"Uh, hello?" asked a nervous voice.

"Yes, this is your new supervisor, a Miss Daria Morgendorffer. There's going to be a few changes around here..."



Idle Hands, Evil Thoughts

(Challenge - to feature a story including a pizza, a Roku Player, "I meant to do that", a dog called Snuggles, a moment of genius, "Mama likes the tuba" and a game of chance.)

"Hmmm. Anchovies. How utterly wonderful. The day was going really badly but now? Oh, let joy be unconfined."

"I can pick them off? Or you can stop trying to order fast food online. You need to look into the staff's greasy and hopeless faces if you want them to get the toppings right. Or at least shout at them over the phone line."

"I could but I wanted to find if there was at least one thing that Roku Player is good for."

"...a Roku Player? You mean one of those mini-USB VCR things?"

"I bow to your superior technical knowledge."

"You know they're meant to stream TV shows, not order pizza?"

"Uh-huh."

"Oh, next you're gonna tell me you meant to do that."

"I meant to do that. Oh darn, you can read me like a book."

"Yeah, maybe you should read a book too. The instruction manual, perhaps?"

"No, I needed a man's perspective."

"Stupidly manipulating a digital device to expect fast food... Oh, I get it. Someone's writing a skit for their award-winning satire show with David Wollgreen?"

"Not quite. I simply used the Roku to record my pizza order, then played it down the phone. I then tell David that it works and he'll be busting his new life hack on the next episode. I sure hope he doesn't specify no anchovies."

"So either it works, he's a success and you get the credit..."

"Or it fails spectacularly and he's humiliated live on air."

"Whereupon you'd say, 'Gee, David. It was a joke. I thought you were smart.' and avoid being fired?"

"Game theory in action, Ms. Lane."

"Daria, I am proud to witness another moment of genius. You think this'll be the straw that breaks the dromedary's back, though? David really bounced back from giving Snuggles the dog those laxatives before that minute's silence. They still print T-shirts of when he used the ouiji board to contact the spirit of Amy Winehouse."

"I let you get in on the ground floor with those."

"Yeah, well, I stand by my belief there are only so many fonts to make the words MAMA LIKES THE TUBA visually-interesting. Well, here's hoping that if you don't get that human turd emoji fired you don't get fired as well."

"That would be tragic. I'd have to order pizza like a normal person."

"Daria, you've never been like a normal person. Now, do I pick off the anchovies or do you pay for another pizza?"

"Hmm. Let's toss a coin."

"Coins? Daria, please, physical currency is so passe!"

"That reminds me, I must tell David that beggars on the street now accept bitcoins. That should prove interesting..."