5 Minute Fiction: The Crooked Smile

(Lawndale High hallway. Students are leaving their classes at the end of the day.)

JANE: You know, they say when you're born, you only have a finite amount of heartbeats left.

DARIA: Forgetting about all the ones you used up before you were born, yeah.

JANE: We have to waste so many of them asleep or attending to bodily functions and also economics classes. That has to be an affront to any almighty cosmic creator, right?

DARIA: I don't think he even opens his hatemail any more. Those dead rats cost a lot to post en masse.

JANE: Do you leave a return address on them?

DARIA: The omniscient great maker of all life on the universe shouldn't need to be told my post code.

JANE: Hey, those things are complicated. It's why postal workers always end up...

DARIA: ...going postal?

JANE: As the name would imply.

(Andrea looms in front of them.)

JANE: Uh oh.

DARIA: Jane, did we bury that old gypsy woman with all the magic talismans?

JANE: There was that one we accidentally threw in that alligator pit next to the sewerage farm.

DARIA: Ah. Then this is when were are dragged to oblivion.

JANE: After Mrs. Bennett's class, it feels almost like an upgrade.

ANDREA: I need your help.

DARIA: Sorry, much as we endorse and support you, Andrea, I've pulled my back muscles so cannot help bury another body.

JANE: That old gypsy woman was heavy.

ANDREA: Are you going to listen to what I have to say?

DARIA: The second you say anything, Marcel Marceau.

ANDREA: I'm helping Scarlett with some stuff. Hypnosis. She needs people who are tough to hypnotize.

JANE: And you thought of us?

ANDREA: (to Daria) I thought of you.

JANE: Ah, those coke-bottle man-repellers will defeat any blackguard who tries to distort your will, Morgendorffer.

ANDREA: It's not about eyesight. You're not the type to give in to anything. Your psychic eyelids are too thick.

DARIA: ...psychic eyelids?

ANDREA: (stares at them) It's a metaphor. You know what metaphors are.

JANE: Yep, more expensive than wooden floors and easier to clean than personality flaws.

ANDREA: Are you going to help or not?

DARIA: You want to hypnotize me?

ANDREA: Scarlett does. I'm just providing the goods.

DARIA: Why didn't she ask me?

ANDREA: Coz, like everyone else, she's scared of you.

DARIA: People aren't scared of me.

(Beat.)

ANDREA: How would you know?

DARIA: ...good point.

(The Lane household. In Jane's bedroom, Andrea and Scarlett are constructing something on a table - it consists of a small electric lantern with a metronome on top, in front of a hunk of green-yellow crystal. Dara, Jane and Trent watch on.)

DARIA: So, you hypnotize me... what then?

SCARLETT: A few questions, make sure you're under, then we bring you back.

DARIA: And you won't leave me clucking like a chicken or dancing like Elvis whenever I hear my name?

JANE: Well, not now you've guessed.

DARIA: I should warn you, I've given very explicit instructions to a certain Turkish assassin if this does not go well.

JANE: Don't worry, Daria. Trent here will make sure we don't do anything bad.

DARIA: Unless you hypnotize him too.

TRENT: Hey. That's a good point.

JANE: What's the problem, Trent? We could make you believe you're a decent musician and you could be famous!

TRENT: That sounds like cheating.

JANE: Honestly, Trent, if you consider post-hypnotic suggestion as selling out to the Man, you'll never get anywhere.

(Daria regards the set-up.)

DARIA: Crystals and ticky-tocky things. My understanding of fundamental sciences is rocked forever.

SCARLETT: The crystal's just to get the right colours. Some perspex would do if it was like that.

DARIA: And why are you two collaborating in perverting the minds of lesser mortals?

SCARLETT: Hypnosis can help people. Trauma victims, addictive personalities...

DARIA: It can also hurt people and create those very problems.

ANDREA: So can proscription drugs. You want to ban antibiotics?

DARIA: Mmm. I take your point.

JANE: Are you sure they didn't hypnotize you already?

DARIA: That's for the Turkish assassin to decide.

SCARLETT: Okay, it's set up. Sit down there, please.

(Daria sits in front of the gizmo.)

DARIA: Are people really scared of me?

ANDREA: Only the people who know you and what you can do. Like start riots in coffee shops and call in the army. Stuff like that.

DARIA: It seems my harmless youthful hi-jinks are being misinterpreted.

JANE: It's cruel world.

SCARLETT: OK. We're going to start. Be as quiet as you can.

(Andrea turns on the lantern so it shines through the crystal, bathing Daria in gently-shifting coloured light. Scarlett turns on the metronome which starts swinging back and forth with a soft ticking.)

SCARLETT: Relax and look into the light.

DARIA: Should I count backwards from a thousand by units of seven while thinking of pizza?

SCARLETT: Nope, just empty your thoughts.

DARIA: Be like Brittney. Right.

(Daria stares into the light.)

(Several minutes later.)

SCARLETT: Daria? Can you hear me?

DARIA: (sounds sleepy) I can hear you, Scarlett.

SCARLETT: What star sign are you?

DARIA: Scorpio.

SCARLETT: What was your favorite book growing up?

DARIA: Black Beauty.

JANE: (ala Monty Python and the Holy Grail) What is the capital of Assyria?

DARIA: Assur.

JANE: Oh. (to Trent) I didn't know that.

(They glare at her.)

SCARLETT: Daria, I want you to remember the happiest moment in your life.

DARIA: Yes.

SCARLETT: Tell me about it.

DARIA: I'm on stage at my new school. Lawndale High. Everyone is looking at me. Most are bored. Some laugh at what Jane did. I tell everyone how much I love Quinn and what a good sister she is. Everyone reacts. Quinn's turned paler than Michael Jackson. She's distraught. I go off stage. Jane is there. She laughs too. She understands what I did. Why I did it. We are together. I'm not alone any more. I am happy.

TRENT: Whoa. The happiest day of her life is meeting you.

(Jane sniffles slightly.)

JANE: That's a sad fact in anyone's language. Guys, I need to do something...

TRENT: Janey...

JANE: Shut up. Daria, can you hear me?

DARIA: Yes, Jane. I hear you.

JANE: For the next, er, thirty hours, you're going to be happy. You're not going to feel guilty or disappointed or angry or scared. You'll find the world the way it should be. You're going to be as happy as that day we passed self-esteem class every moment. Will you do that?

DARIA: Yes. I will do what you say.

JANE: Good.

SCARLETT: Jane...

JANE: Oh, shove it, Scarlett. It's just for a day - plus a few hours for sleep. You want to help people with hypnosis? Isn't this going to help her?

(Scarlett looks at Andrea, who shrugs.)

SCARLETT: Okay. Fine. But the day after tomorrow, she's back to normal. You hear me, Daria?

DARIA: I hear you.

SCARLETT: Good. Now I'm going to count backwards from ten and by the time I reach one, you're going to wake up.

DARIA: I understand.

SCARLETT: Okay. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven.

(Daria blinks slightly.)

SCARLETT: Six. Five. Four. Three.

(Daria looks around sleepily, coming out of it.)

SCARLETT: Two. One.

JANE: How was that, Daria? How do you feel?

DARIA: Okay. I think I have a crick in my neck. (rubs neck) So I guess the experiment was an unparalleled success, huh?

(Andrea switches off the lantern and packs the stuff away.)

ANDREA: We got what we needed. Thanks.

SCARLETT: You can call off your assassin?

DARIA: I was joking.

JANE: Hard to tell with you, sometimes, Dar.

DARIA: Sorry. Well, I best get home before they start to worry.

TRENT: Hey, Daria? Are you feeling happy?

DARIA: Guess so. Any reason you're asking?

TRENT: Just curious, I guess.

DARIA: Well, I hope I satisfied your curiosity. See you guys round.

(Daria picks up her schoolbag and leaves.)

JANE: That was... underwhelming.

SCARLETT: Maybe she was already feeling happy?

ANDREA: Yeah, that's exactly what it wasn't.

JANE: Well it looks like the next thirty hours are going to be as dull as dishwater.

TRENT: You hope.

(He walks out, leaving the others to contemplate his words.)

(Daria is walking home. She starts to stride more purposefully. She smiles and waves at a passerby, who - rather baffled - returns the wave. Daria enters the house.)

(Morgendorffer kitchen. Jake is microwaving lasagna as Daria enters.)

DARIA: Evening, father. What culinary delights are on offer tonight?

JAKE: Good old lasagna, kiddo! The evening meal of champions!

DARIA: Lasagna again? What a sublime change from the norm.

JAKE: Aw, you're not bored of lasagna are you, Daria?

DARIA: Hey, if it's good enough for misanthropic cartoon felines, it's good enough for me. (goes to fridge) Still, we eat it so much I'm not sure I could survive on any other sustenance, so zap it up, dad.

JAKE: You sure, Daria?

DARIA: Of course. How many people can say their dad makes dinner for the family? It might just be microwaving frozen meals, but some families can't even have that. It just reminds me how much you care.

JAKE: Gee, Daria. (sniffs) Thanks. It does a man good to hear that from his daughter.

DARIA: It's okay, dad. I love you.

(Jake hugs her tightly.)

JAKE: I love you too, kiddo! But, uh, why the big change?

DARIA: Beats me. I'm just happy.

JAKE: ...seriously.

DARIA: As serious as you can be and still be happy.

JAKE: Hah! (screams at floor) You hear that, old man? My daughter is happy and she loves me! That's more than anything you ever managed you viscous spiteful old berzerker! I hope every hole in your body is being filled by red hot pokers, Mad Dog! What's that? I can't hear you over my awesome parenting!

(Quinn enters and sees Jake screaming at the floor.)

QUINN: Guh. Does this mean we're eating takeaway tonight?

JAKE: No way, Quinn. Jake's got this meal covered for his loving daughters!

QUINN: Oh. Yay. (to Daria) Is he on new meds?

DARIA: (shrugs) He's just glad he knows I love him, I suppose.

QUINN: You told him you love him?

DARIA: Uh-huh.

QUINN: And how much did you get?

DARIA: I don't need money, Quinn. At least not right now. Why? Wouldn't you tell dad you loved him?

QUINN: Well, not all the time! You need to keep the value, duh!

DARIA: You know best.

(Quinn drags Daria into the living room.)

QUINN: OK. What's up?

DARIA: Nothing's up, Quinn. You wouldn't listen to my advice anyway, so why even give it? You'll fill up any awkward silences easily enough. Tell us all about the Fashion Club and how it gives your life meaning.

QUINN: Hey, my life has meaning!

DARIA: You won't hear any arguments from me.

QUINN: I always hear arguments from you!

DARIA: Well, not tonight.

QUINN: You are up to something, Daria Morgendorffer! You want to trick me into doing something!

DARIA: No I don't. I don't care what you do, Quinn. I'm happy. Who cares if you say I'm a cousin or if you and Sandi have a fight or you double-book on a date? I sure as hell don't give a damn. (deep sigh) I can't remember the last time I felt this good!

QUINN: (grumbles) Probably the last time we were at funeral.

DARIA: Well, I'm alive and they're not. Guess that means I'm the winner.

(Later in the kitchen. Helen is home and they are all eating.)

JAKE: So then it turned out the client who was a no-show had made his own deal with the other two clients and now they're trying to make tontines legal in this state!

QUINN: What's a tontine?

HELEN: Basically it means they put their money into an account that can only be accessed when all but one of them has died, and they get to keep the money and all the heavy interest accrued.

DARIA: Sort of like pirate's treasure, Quinn. Only less scurvy. Anyway, dad, you should be glad that your clients have turned on each other than you. They'd be a real hassle to your life if they'd actually signed you up. Aren't you glad to have more time to yourself and your family?

JAKE: (thoughtful) I hadn't thought about it like that.

HELEN: (quickly) But you know as well as I do, Jake, idle hands are the devil's playground. The last thing you want is to just vegetate at home all day.

JAKE: Hey, I do plenty, Helen! I microwave dinner, I clean the kitchen and the bathrooms, and just the other week I got rid of that big hairy spider that was frightening Quinn?

HELEN: The one that was dead?

QUINN: It could have just been play-acting, mom. Spiders are sneaky!

DARIA: Yep. That one in "Charlotte's Web" was really cruel, leading on the piglet like that.

QUINN: (sniffs) Don't mention that movie! I refuse to risk my mascara crying over a dead spider!

DARIA: It was just a cartoon, Quinn. Why get upset about a cartoon and not real life?

HELEN: Daria, you know that's hardly a fair question...

DARIA: It's okay, mom, I don't expect Quinn to answer it.

QUINN: Are you saying I'm too stupid to answer it?

DARIA: No. Go ahead, answer it.

QUINN: Well, I'm not going to!

DARIA: Suits me fine. You're the one getting upset all the time.

JAKE: Yeah, Quinn, can't you be a bit less hysterical? A bit more like Daria?

QUINN: What?!?

HELEN: Jake!

JAKE: I just mean, chill out. You come home every night stressed and worried. It can't be doing you good.

DARIA: I'm sure Quinn knows what she's doing.

HELEN: (suspicious) What IS she doing?

DARIA: I don't know. She makes sure I'm not in her social circles, and tells people I'm a distant cousin. But Quinn's popular and happy, so she must be doing it all correctly. You ARE popular and happy, aren't you, Quinn?

QUINN: (defensive) Of course I am! You're the unhappy one around here!

DARIA: I'm happy.

HELEN: That's good, Daria. What's brought on this cheerful mood?

DARIA: No idea. Some girls tried to hypnotize me tonight, which might be connected.

HELEN: Very droll, Daria.

DARIA: Hey, I'm just saying what happened. Anyway, may I be excused? I loved dinner, and there's some music videos on TV that might be worth watching.

HELEN: Don't you have homework?

DARIA: That stopped being a real obstacle years ago. The teachers stopped caring even earlier. As long as I don't bug them, they should leave alone.

HELEN: But you're supposed to bug them, Daria! It's how we keep that rat's nest of dysfunctional lunatics halfway towards being a decent high school!

DARIA: It doesn't bother me anymore. I'm happy the way it is. (rises) If Quinn has any anecdotes of the Fashion Club that could possibly interest me, she can give me edited highlights. Or, you know, just keep avoiding me out of social embarrassment. It's not my problem. Thanks for the lasagna, dad. It might be survival rations, but they do taste nice.

HELEN: Young lady, are you on drugs?

DARIA: Nope. Not that I know of, anyway.

(Helen holds Daria's jaw and stares into her eyes.)

HELEN: Pupil's normal, pulse steady. I think you might want to go to the doctor tomorrow.

DARIA: So a doctor can stop making me feel happy? How can that be a good thing?

HELEN: I'm not sure this is happiness, Daria. It sounds like mania to me.

DARIA: Well, it if looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's probably a goose with mania, then. Whatever. You know best, mom.

(She waves happily at the others and leaves.)

HELEN: (devastated) Oh god, my baby's had a complete nervous breakdown!

JAKE: Or maybe we're just good parents, Helen? She's finally over this gloomy phase and happy! Isn't that what we've always wanted?

HELEN: The Kennedys wanted that when they forced their daughter to have a lobotomy, Jake.

QUINN: A lo-bottom-y? They forced her to have surgery on her butt? That's just cruel.

HELEN: ...please tell me you're trying to be funny, Quinn?

(Beat.)

QUINN: (unconvincingly) Of course, mom! It's a joke! (nervous) Hahah.

(Daria's bedroom. The TV is on playing music very loudly. Daria is dancing, eyes closed, bopping along to the music.)

DARIA: (singing along) What happened to the girl I used to know? You let your mind out somewhere down the road! Don't bring me down, no no no no no! I tell you once more, before I get off the floor, don't bring me down!

(Quinn watches from the hallway, increasingly concerned.)

(Casa Lane the next morning. Daria skips cheerfully up to the front door and bangs the knocker.)

DARIA: (singing) Don't bring me down, no-no-no-no-no... oo-woo-hoo! I tell you once more, before I get off the floor, don't get me down!

(She knocks the door again. A half-awake Jane answers.)

JANE: Oh I bet I'm dying to hear the explanation for this.

DARIA: It's time to go to school, Jane. I thought sheer muscular habit would have got you ready by now.

JANE: Sheer muscular habit takes to me to coffee.

DARIA: (shrugs) I can wait.

(She enters and follows Jane into the kitchen.)

JANE: Don't let me detain you from the joys of another day at Lawndale High.

DARIA: Whatever insanity awaits us there, can await longer.

JANE: You sound chipper.

DARIA: I do, don't I? It's almost like someone hypnotized me last night to put me into a permanent state of happiness for the next twenty-two hours.

JANE: Ah. (awkward) So you remember that bit, huh?

DARIA: Vaguely. The rest of it I deduced. Thanks, though.

JANE: I suppose I could have got you to do a striptease and then give Trent a naked lap-dance.

DARIA: Well, feel free to do it. I doubt Trent'd notice or care.

JANE: I don't know about that. Incest is one of the few vices we Lanes make an effort to avoid.

DARIA: Effort. Nice one. Trent could barely break into a standstill, let alone break a sweat.

JANE: Hmm. I see Happy Daria is kind of a bitch.

DARIA: Whereas Normal Jane is easily-offended. I can leave right now if you want?

JANE: Well, I'd hate to miss any more personal abuse.

DARIA: It's not personalized. I guess I must self-censor a lot when I'm feeling normal. And/or miserable.

JANE: When I said I wanted you happy, I didn't think it would remove your self-control.

DARIA: Obviously. Not even you are that stupid. (beat) I did it again, didn't I? Sorry.

JANE: Are you, though?

DARIA: (thoughtful) Actually, no. I'm not. I get we're friends and I shouldn't say things to upset you, but I don't feel bad doing it. Well, it's your own fault for tampering with the fundamental core traits of my personality.

JANE: Glad you don't take on the burdon of guilt unnecessarily.

DARIA: Wouldn't matter if it did. I feel happy.

JANE: Oh good.

DARIA: I can leave you alone for the next day or so if you want.

JANE: Won't you get lonely?

DARIA: (snorts) Of course not. I'm happy whatever happens. The feeling of comfort, acceptance and love I have with you is there all the time. You're pretty much surplus to any and all requirements, Jane. It should be something you're used to.

JANE: What do you mean by that?

DARIA: Hmm. It'll upset you if I elaborate.

JANE: Oh don't hurt yourself trying to show some humanity on my account, Daria.

DARIA: I won't. But just remember, this is not my fault and even if it was, I couldn't care less. So, you want to come with me to school or are you going be a whiny cry-baby about it.

JANE: I'll stick with you, Daria. That way I can enjoy a front row seat when you turn everyone else against you.

DARIA: Sure. Whatever makes you happy.

(Jane sips her coffee. Daria looks around idly, and starts singing again.)

DARIA: You got me shaking, got me running away! You got me crawling up to you every day! Don't bring me down! No-no-no-no-no, woo-hoo!

JANE: Fine. We'll go now. Enough of the songs.

DARIA: I like the song. It fits my mood.

JANE: It doesn't fit mine.

DARIA: Mmm. I probably cared about that yesterday. And maybe will tomorrow. But today... don't bring me down!

(Jane groans and facepalms.)

(Daria and Jane walk to school. Daria hums happily to herself, skipping as she walks.)

JANE: I'm surprised you're even getting out of bed. Or using a toilet properly.

DARIA: Why? Because I'd be just as happy lying around in my own filth?

JANE: It's a common theme among musicians.

DARIA: I guess it's because I know this'll end tonight. It's interesting, I guess, that we do everything to get happiness but once we have it, there's nothing left to strive for.

JANE: Mm. You could always try and make others happy.

DARIA: Maybe, but it sounds like a lot of hard work. If I fail, I'll still be happy, so why try?

JANE: You know you're sounding more like a complete psychopath every passing minute?

DARIA: I may be a loony, but I am a happy loony.

JANE: So, what, are you going to bulk up on Prozac to keep the buzz after hypnosis wears off?

DARIA: Maybe I'll put myself in a coma so I dream happy dreams for the rest of my life.

JANE: You're already sleeping half your life. Most people are satisfied with a semi-coma.

DARIA: I think the pun you're looking for is "semi-colon". Or maybe an "inverted comma".

JANE: I'm glad you still care enough to correct my grammar.

DARIA: Of course I care. I mean, I don't right now, but you're my best friend when I'm not happy all the time and you're the only one that makes me happy. My gut might not give a damn, but every bit of reason in my head tells me to care.

JANE: Thanks. Seriously, thanks.

DARIA: Mind you, I'll probably hate you for giving me a taste of this bliss and taking it away from me. I don't now, because I'm happy about everything, but it's likely to happen.

(They have now reached the school.)

JANE: So... if you want to be happy after tonight, you need to want this bit of happiness to end.

DARIA: That seems a big ask.

JANE: Why don't you all the stuff you'd hate to do, and focus on making everyone happy. When you change back tonight, you'll look back on these horrors and cringe and be happy it's over. After all, whatever you do today will make you happy, so you've got nothing to lose and happiness to gain, right?

DARIA: Your logic is impeccable and the clear sadism behind it is just as admirable.

JANE: Look, I'll talk to you later on. I've got two Goth chicks to interrogate.

DARIA: Oh, see if they can make things permanent for me while you're at it?

JANE: ...what? I thought you agreed you had to destroy your life today!

DARIA: Only if the happiness wears off. If I can get it full-time, I'd be stupid not to.

JANE: (sighs) This. This is what happens when you try to help a friend, Lane.

DARIA: I know you're feeling guilty and upset, but at least I'm still happy.

(Not trusting herself to speak further, Jane shakes her head and stalks off. Upchuck approaches.)

UPCHUCK: Why, do my eyes deceive me or have you two luscious ladies gotten all frisky and angry with each other? What could possibly have driven a wedge between the supple and lissome bodies of Misses Morgendorffer and Lane? Surely no mere mortal argument could have such an effect. Perhaps a lover's tiff and a failed dalliance between Daughters of Sappho?

DARIA: Nope. Oh, and we're not lovers. We wouldn't have anyone to complain to behind each other's back.

UPCHUCK: So you two are tight as ever then?

DARIA: Tighter than a virgin's knees. Speaking of, I need to ask a favor.

UPCHUCK: Ooooh, do tell, mon cherie.

DARIA: I... actually, I can't be assed to explain.

(She pulls him into a passionate kiss, like the sailor in the VE photo. Some gasps from other students. Daria comes up for air, and Upchuck looks completely traumatized.)

DARIA: Thanks for that, Upchuck. I need to hate myself my tonight and this looks like a good start. I may or may not owe you for this, and might call if even by letting you live. (runs finger inside her mouth) Someone had a banana for breakfast. Hmm. Potassium is always helpful. Anyway, bye.

(Upchuck does not react as she leaves. Another student, skateboard guy, comes up and prods Upchuck to no avail.)

(Girls' restroom. Jane, Andrea and Scarlett are present.)

SCARLETT: Don't put this on us, Jane. I warned you not to leave any hypnotic commands before we even started.

ANDREA: Yeah. And it'll wear off soon enough.

JANE: I'd rather it wore off sooner. Can't we hypnotize her again and snap her out of it?

SCARLETT: I don't want to risk that. It sounds like Daria is enjoying being happy.

JANE: I know she's enjoying being happy! It's the definition of being happy!

SCARLETT: I'm saying, she'd have a conscious desire to resist any instruction. Her strong will is why we wanted to try it out on her in the first place.

JANE: I know! I was there at the time! Look, I didn't think it would be like this?

ANDREA: You took away her capacity to feel bad. She can't feel guilt or anger or shame, she has no reason to behave to any moral code anymore. Welcome to perfect happiness.

SCARLETT: It's kinda like what happened on Buffy, when perfect happiness turned Angel evil. Except you didn't have sex with Daria.

JANE: How did they solve evil happiness on Buffy?

ANDREA: Uh, I think they threw the guy into the mouth of hell and then gave him his own spin-off show.

JANE: It's a novel approach, but I don't think it's an option at the moment.

SCARLETT: Look, from what you say at least she's trying to act normal around you, Jane. So, stay near her. Be her anchor.

(Jane leaves, grumbling.)

JANE: Right now, she's being enough of an anchor for both of us...

(Hallways. Daria is chatting to Kevin and Brittney as they approach science class.)

DARIA: ...so not only do you never have to worry about getting pregnant ever again, you also lose ten kilos like that (snaps fingers) and they can make sure no one ever sees a scar.

BRITTNEY: Wow. This hysterical-rectomy sounds neat. But I want to have kids some day. Kevvy'd be such a great dad.

DARIA: Meh. Earth can barely support its current population. You can adopt from what's already here, probably the offspring of all your fellow cheerleaders who won't have their tubes tied.

BRITTNEY: Ooooh. That's a good point.

KEVIN: I dunno babe. I mean, where could we find kids that look as good as me?

DARIA: You could always use another cheerleader as a surrogate mother.

BRITTNEY: But then he'd be cheating on me!

DARIA: It's not cheating if you pay them for it.

KEVIN: (intrigued) Really?

DARIA: That's what the Supreme Court says.

BRITTNEY: (folds arms) Well, maybe I should be the one who is the surrogate mother and get all the money?

DARIA: Hmm. I think you may have a point. You ARE built for nursing, and your ability to do the splits will come in handy at both ends of a pregnancy...

(Jodie approaches.)

JODIE: Uh, Daria, what's going on?

DARIA: Just trying to spread a little joy and happiness, Jodie. The cheerleader and the QB only use half their total skillset and in today's harsh economic climate, they need to bring their A-game to the table.

KEVIN: (punches the air) All right!

DARIA: If their animalistic rutting instincts can turn a profit, why shouldn't they?

JODIE: (sotto) Daria, these idiots actually listen to you. They could really screw themselves up over this.

DARIA: (sotto) Well, someone's going to take advantage of them and ruin their lives. It might as well be me.

JODIE: (sotto) What's wrong with you all of a sudden?

DARIA: (sotto) My moral compass was left too close to a magnet and now my darker instincts reign supreme.

JODIE: (sotto) Fine, don't tell me about it. But don't take your issues out on people too stupid to fight back.

DARIA: (salutes) Yes, Miss Landon, sah!!! (loudly) Brit, Kevvy, Jodie says I'm very bad for encouraging your sex lives and you should both ignore everything I say because love is more important than cold hard cash.

(Stunned silence from the gathering students.)

DARIA: Given I will never know the loving touch of another man, woman, or cabbage on this septic isle, I'm in no position to tell people how to live or love. Jodie, of course, is the be all and end all of knowledge and wisdom, so let's all do what she says. Better yet, we can start a club and Jodie will have to join because her parents are dedicated to making her student life even more miserable than mine.

JODIE: (hurt) Daria!

MACK: (angry) Daria, what's your problem!

DARIA: Too many to list her, Mack Daddy. Is that the voice you're using today? Bit effeminate, but let's go with that.

(A flustered Miss Barch arrives.)

BARCH: Oh, get out of the way and let me unlock the classroom door. Of course we wouldn't need to lock the door if it weren't for all those X-Y-Y chromosonal antisocial throwbacks weren't trying to rip apart the last vestiges of progress and creation and using school for their own fetish-fueled bordello stunts...

DARIA: (thoughtful) Miss Barch looks like she could use some cheering up today.

(Barch opens the door and they start to enter the class, shooting Daria evil looks.)

DARIA: (humming) I'll tell you once more before I get off the floor, don't bring me down...

(She follows them into the class.)

(Jane approaches the science class. A few students are leaving. Miss Barch is sobbing and honking like a wounded moose, making incoherent piteous noises.)

JANE: I take it we get a free period for this?

BURNOUT GIRL: Uh-huh. Your girlfriend broke her with a little "thank you" speech.

JANE: Did she now? Why am I not surprised.

BURNOUT GIRL: Yeah, she made a big thing about how Barch has shown us all the true importance of love and stuff, and how if we can't forgive our men for their mistakes we'll stay bitter and alone for the rest of our lives and she's really inspired all us girls to be more tolerant and forgiving of all men everywhere. Miss Barch wasn't happy to hear that.

JANE: I bet she said Santa Claus is made-up too.

(Big pause.)

BURNOUT GIRL: Santa Claus is made up?

JANE: Don't worry, Jen, you don't need to protect me. I found the horrible truth about Santa long ago. It's the horrible truths Daria is coming out with now that worries me.

(Jane heads off. Burnout Girl turns to the punks Bob and Angel.)

BURNOUT GIRL: ...Santa Claus is made up?

(Daria is talking to Quinn.)

QUINN: What?! I don't believe you're actually asking me for this!

DARIA: I don't care if you believe me, Quinn. I just want you to do it. How many boys have said that to you, huh?

QUINN: Gawd, Daria, this isn't funny! Even for you!

DARIA: I am honestly surprised, Quinn. I thought you would be totally up for this. Just think of all the benefits.

QUINN: "Benefits"! How shallow do you think I am?!

(Beat.)

DARIA: Well, what sort of scale are we talking about? Frankly I think you're so shallow you've gone from concave to convex and back again.

QUINN: You think insulting me will make me do want you want?

DARIA: (shrugs) Well, obviously. Why wouldn't it?

(Quinn lets out a noise of disgust and storms off. Jane spots her and runs over.)

DARIA: Hmm. That didn't go as expected. I bet I'd normally be really down about this. Oh hey, Jane. Good to see you. I need your help.

JANE: Help? You mean you aren't blissfully content with the way things already are?

DARIA: It's long-term strategy. About what happens when I come down off cloud nine.

JANE: I've seen your long term strategy. You realize you might have cost Upchuck his virginity, Miss Barch her sanity and any hope of staying friends with Jodie and Mack, right?

DARIA: Seemed like a good idea at the time. Actually, still does, but I can admit the flaws.

JANE: There are flaws? Oh do tell, Daria, I sure as hell couldn't spot any downsides.

DARIA: Well, my idea was when I go back to normal, I'll have done so many horrible things while "happy" I'll never want to be happy again. Sort of how people vow to give up alcohol after a really terrible night before.

JANE: That was the best plan you can think of?

DARIA: Well, when you're happy, your standards lower a lot.

JANE: There are a lot of drawbacks to being happy, I see that now.

DARIA: I know! Still, it's not like realizing that stops you being happy. Anyway, I think about what I'll be like when I go back to normal. I'll remember all the things I've done and it will bring me down something chronic.

JANE: Please don't sing.

DARIA: I like singing. It's great not to care how atonal and awful my voice is, and that I can't think of any music I like that normal people do. So karaoke bars are probably going to be a definite no-no.

JANE: Ah, karaoke. It's Japanese for "Drunken Businessman", you know.

DARIA: No, it's actually "Empty Orchestra", but I genuinely like the joke. Not that I wouldn't like the joke, otherwise, but it's funny.

JANE: So what's your cunning plan to deal with post-happiness?

DARIA: Well, Jane, suppose you suffered a chronic debilitating illness then, all of a sudden, completely out of the blue, someone gave you a shot of morphine. No pain, no suffering, just perfect freedom from suffering.

JANE: I can imagine that. I'm not sure the next logical move would be trying to enrage every single person I knew though.

DARIA: Most metaphors don't bear close examination. The thing is, a day later, the pain comes back and it stays and on top of everything else, you can never take the pain-killer again.

JANE: That sounds... medically unlikely.

DARIA: So did using mouldy bread to fight diseases. The point is, Jane Lane, what would you do? Continue to suffer for the rest of your life knowing you'd never again feel a moment of escape from the pain?

JANE: In lieu of a better alternative.

DARIA: (nods) Which is why I need your help!

JANE: My help?

DARIA: Well, I'm thinking you could distract the school nurse while I raid the first aide supplies. There's enough of any given medication there to overdose easy.

JANE: You're going to kill yourself with pills?

DARIA: You think I should go classic and slit my wrists?

JANE: No, I don't think you should go classic and slit my wrists!

DARIA: Yeah, way too many things could go wrong. Holding the knife for the second cut would be awkward too...

JANE: Daria, you are not going to kill yourself!

DARIA: Yes I am. Unless you want to do it yourself, maybe as some kind of art project. I'd be cool with that.

JANE: Oh this is just getting stupid...

DARIA: I totally agree.

JANE: How can you, even in this peak of total insanity, think I would want you to die?

DARIA: I don't. But see how insufferable you've found me happy? I'd be even worse when I'm miserable again. In the long run, this would do you better.

JANE: You told me you weren't miserable.

DARIA: Don't worry, I told myself that too. It was practically a catchphrase. But when you're in a perpetual state of happiness, it's surprisingly easy to be objective. Look at me. I'm built out of the scraps of DNA considered unfit for Quinn. My eyesight is shot to hell, I'm always going to be tiny, I can't find a single culture or historical period that would ever appreciate my body-type.

JANE: You don't care what you look like!

DARIA: No, that's what I tell people to escape their pity. Gee, I really thought you'd guessed all this before. Plus this voice of mine, huh? Curdles fresh milk and Stephen Hawking complains about the monotone.

JANE: Trent doesn't. I don't.

DARIA: Yeah, I appreciate that. But it's not like you enjoy my voice, or how I look or even how I act. You're my best friend and I think I've hurt you more than the people I actually hate. That bugs me, even when I'm happy.

JANE: I forgive you.

DARIA: Mmm. Nope, don't believe you. But it's okay, you haven't hurt my feelings. You actually stopped anyone from hurting my feelings. That was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

JANE: Daria, you... You can't kill yourself because you might not be happy tomorrow!

DARIA: Can't I? I've ruined everything here at school and with you...

JANE: You haven't. Believe me, after Trent and that plate of Mexican re-fried beans when we were accidentally locked in the basement, I can forgive anything. And these people will too. Just do the old "mixed my meds" thing.

DARIA: Oh, I was going to do that for real. Besides, look how happy it'll make Quinn to be an only child! Mom and Dad will be able to lavish her with all the gifts and money without any guilt or parent-teacher conferences! Ms. Li will never have to worry about someone sabotaging the school, Mr. O'Neill will never have someone make him think again, Trent will be able to go on without me hanging around like those re-fried Mexican beans...

JANE: You cannot be serious.

DARIA: Yes, I can. This is me. (waves) Hello! Look, I'm being completely open-minded here. If you think no one wants to deal with my ugly corpse, I'm sure we can find some way to dispose of me efficiently.

JANE: I don't want you to kill yourself! Daria, you're my best friend! I didn't make you happy because I wanted you to die! I want you alive!

DARIA: I know, Jane. I appreciate that. But it's like wanting world peace - it's not a practical desire. It's never going to happen.

(Science classroom. Quinn's class has arrived to find Miss Barch still a blubbering wreck. DeMartino is there, listening to her sobs.)

SANDI: Uhm, are we supposed to do free study or something like that or whatever?

DeMARTINO: (listening) Apparently, one of her students convinced Miss Barch her INCREDIBLY RIGHTEOUS crusade against half the human race was BASED ON A PREMISE that was so obvious it could be VISIBLE from OUTER SPACE in exactly the same way the WALL OF CHINA is not! The war for gender parity has moved forward thirty years... or maybe moved BACK thirty years... OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, JANET, THERE ARE SPECIAL CREAMS PRECISELY FOR THAT REASON!

FASHION CLUB: Ewww!

DeMARTINO: It appears that Miss Barch is unfortunately INDISPOSED for the foreseeable future and FUTURE GENERATIONS can only WEEP for the missed opportunity you hollow-skulled VAPID TROGLODYTES have been SO CRUELLY denied!

SANDI: So... that's a yes on free study?

DeMARTINO: Yes, Miss Griffin, you have managed to correctly identify a solution in this classroom FOR PERHAPS THE FIRST AND ONLY TIME! Now, hurl your worthless hides out the door.

(The kids start to leave.)

DeMARTINO: Except for YOU, Miss Morgendorffer. Apparently the HIGHLY-PERCEPTIVE INDIVIDUAL responsible for Miss Barch's current EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN is your sister, Daria.

QUINN: She's my cousin.

DeMARTINO: For HER sake, I wish she was. Much as I sympathize and admire HER VERBAL DEMOLITION of weak-spirited IMBECILES, taking out teachers is a blow that JEOPARDIZES the whole school. I suggest you go and INFORM HER of this face and how I STRONGLY-RECOMMEND she doesn't do it again.

QUINN: But, Mr. DeMartino, she's gone crazy!

DeMARTINO: I'm not surprised, as not everyone has my LEGENDARILY GOOD-NATURED TOLERANCE of unending idiocy.

QUINN: She said she wanted me to get pills from the nurse's office so she could overdose on them!

DeMARTINO: And you decided the best course of action was to come here and leave her alone and unsupervised?

QUINN: Ummm. Well, if you want to be all literal about it.

DeMARTINO: Tell me, Miss Morgendorffer, just what exactly are THE BENEFITS YOU expect to gain when your SO-CALLED COUSIN COMMITS SUICIDE on school property BECAUSE OF YOU?

(Beat.)

QUINN: Eep.

DeMARTINO: Perhaps you should use your FAMILY KNOWLEDGE to somehow convince Daria to CEASE AND DESIST her current self-destructive-IF-ENTIRELY-JUSTIFIED course of action?

(Frightened, Quinn nods. DeMartino points to the door. She nods again and runs out.)

(Outside the school, Jane and Daria are still arguing. Daria is still very cheerful and upbeat.)

JANE: What about me, huh? Am I supposed to be happy you're dead? That I don't have you around any more? Damn it, Daria, if you're gone than I've got no one.

DARIA: You've got Trent.

JANE: And you've got Quinn. If I end it all, would having a sibling suddenly make it all right?

DARIA: Good point. Guess it just proves I'm not a good friend to you, though, doesn't it?

JANE: Daria, you're not thinking normally...

DARIA: Or am I thinking normally for the first time?

JANE: No one wants you to kill yourself! No one is going to be better off if you're dead!

DARIA: They're not going to be better if I'm alive, though. Look, Jane, I've thought of everything you're likely to say. I'm not trying to end my life in a fit of hormonal depression...

JANE: No, you're doing it because of hypnotized euphoria!

DARIA: Wow. I wonder how many death certificates have that written on them?

JANE: Can't you just wait until this damned voodoo spell wears off before you do it?

DARIA: So you'd rather me die miserably instead of happy?

JANE: I'd rather you not die at all.

DARIA: Everyone dies sometime.

JANE: But not today!

(Scarlett and Andrea approach.)

JANE: Hey! You two! Screw the dangers, we are doing emergency deprogramming right here, right now! We're switching off this pyscho-happiness button and take out any communist sleeper codes while you're at it!

DARIA: Ignore her, I'm completely fine.

JANE: She wants to kill herself!

DARIA: It's more I want to stop being alive...

JANE: She wants me to help her overdose on drugs from the nurse's office!

DARIA: (holds up hands) Not married to the idea, gotta stress.

ANDREA: I think we should help her.

JANE: What?

DARIA: Finally.

SCARLETT: Andrea's right, Jane. We should definitely be the ones to resolve this situation and make sure she gets the right pills, shouldn't we?

(Jane blinks.)

JANE: Um. Okay.

DARIA: (laughs) Oh, pur-lease. I'm willing to agree to differ on me being insane right now, but I am not stupid. You guys are just going to try and palm me off with tic-tacs or something until you come up with an even more cunning plan to make me miserable as possible and deprive me of whatever escape I can get.

SCARLETT: (coyly) Oh, Daria, as if we'd do that...

DARIA: (coyly) Oh yeah you would, Scarlett. (shocked) Holy crap, what the hell...?

(The other three girls are distracted. Daria turns and runs for it, grinning. She turns a corner into another courtyard, ducks down a side passage. Jane, Scarlett and Andrea run into the courtyard. Daria slips away. Scarlett spots her and they give chase again.)

(Daria, still having the time of her life, runs down a hallway. She turns into another hallway and runs into the boys' toilets. A moment later she staggers out.)

DARIA: Nope, not worth it!

(The others appear around the corner and spot Daria. She runs into the stairwell. The girls follow and head down the steps - not realizing Daria is hiding behind the stairwell door and they've missed her.)

DARIA: Huh. That got the heart pumping. Should really help with the overdose. Nice to know people care about me, though. And nice to know I can easily outwit them. Now, where was I?

(Daria head back down the hall.)

DARIA: You got me running, going out of my mind! You got me thinking that I'm wasting my time! Don't bring me down, no-no-no-no-no, I'll tell you once more before I get off the floor, don't bring me down!

(As she reaches the next hallway, the three Jays lunge forward and grab her. Jeffy holds Daria while Jamie puts a bag over her head and Joey uses a cable-tie to bind her wrists. Quinn advances over the hog-tied Daria.)

QUINN: Oh, well done, guys! I owe you all big time!

JOEY: Oh, it was nothing, Quinn.

JEFFY: I'm always happy to kidnap people for you, Quinn.

JAMIE: Do you need any other hostages, Quinn.

DARIA: (muffled) Of course. I forgot about Quinn. Well, it's a forgivable error, I guess. (brightly) Hi, Sis!

JOEY: Hi sis?

QUINN: She said, er, "isis".

JAMIE: She what?!?

QUINN: Look, just bring her this way.

(They drag Daria away and she shouts through the bag.)

DARIA: (muffled) Extraordinary rendition! I will not be silenced! You got me shaking, got me running away! You got me crawling up to you everyday! Don't bring me down! No-no-no-no-no...

(Hallway outside nurse's office. Jane, Scarlett and Andrea approach. The latter two are exhausted.)

JANE: OK. If we can't find her, we can at least stop her getting to the pills, right?

SCARLETT: (panting) Sure.

(Jane knocks on the door and the irritated-looking old nurse looks around the door.)

NURSE: Yes?

JANE: We need to talk to you...

NURSE: It's all perfectly normal and you're becoming women. Rejoice.

JANE: No, it's not that...

NURSE: Oh, of course. You three have decided the best way to get out of class is to synchronize your cycles and then claim you're all being attacked by your uteri whenever a tough test comes up. Wow, never heard that one tried before.

JANE: Good to know, miss. Now it's about a friend of mine...

NURSE: Sure. Friends. That's novel.

JANE: She's suicidal and intending to use your medicines to OD! We need to make sure she doesn't, comprende?

SCARLETT: Have you had any other visitors today?

NURSE: Well, my hectic social schedule is hard to describe at the best of times...

JANE: Damn it! Scarlett, hypnotize her! Clearly this is where Daria's soul has transmigrated to!

NURSE: You know, I really wanted to be a zookeeper but my allergies forced me to deal with people instead...

(Study room. The bagged and bound Daria is bundled in by the three Jays and dumped in a seat by a table. Daria is still singing. Quinn follows in and pulls the bag and shouts at her.)

QUINN: Will you stop singing!?

DARIA: I intend to, very soon. I suppose it's a faint hope you got those pills I needed, huh?

QUINN: I am not going to help you kill yourself!

DARIA: Fine, I'll do it alone. You'd probably just hold me back anyway.

QUINN: I can't believe I'm hearing this! Daria, I don't know why you've finally gone crazy, but I never thought you'd be so selfish!

DARIA: Really? You mean the last fifteen years didn't give it away before?

QUINN: Have you any idea what it'd be like for me if you went and committed suicide?

DARIA: You'd... have to wear black out of season for the funeral?

QUINN: My whole life would be ruined! Forever!

DARIA: (unimpressed) Uh-huh. Go on.

QUINN: I'd never be able to recover from the trauma and guilt!

DARIA: Wait for it...

QUINN: For the rest of my life, I'd be the "Hey, didn't your loser sister kill herself?" girl!

DARIA: And there it is.

QUINN: It'd be all about you! Everyone would just go on and on about how sad I must be, how guilty I must be, or wondering how I could never see the warning signs or if I could go back and save you. Anything I did would be "Aww, she's really overcoming her feelings about her dead sister!" Anyone I tried to make friends with would go "Hey, she doesn't want me, she just wants her sister and is using me as a replacement!" Everyone will expect me to name my kids after you and become some kind of champion for preventing teen suicide! My life would be over!

DARIA: No problem. You and me, suicide pact. Everyone's happy.

QUINN: Shut up! And what about mom and dad? Have you thought how they'd feel?

DARIA: Oh, they'll hang together for your sake, "kitten". They'll be so desperate not to lose their remaining child they'll shower you with even more love, affection and presents than they are now. How are you not seeing the appeal?

QUINN: Without you to keep them busy, they'll be following me twenty-four-seven, Daria! You think I'll ever be allowed to date? To have fun? To so much as cry in case they think it'll make me go crazy like you?

DARIA: Wow. I'm really selfish, aren't I. I'm utterly horrible. Hey, you should probably kill me to stop me from hurting you anymore.

QUINN: I... Well... (angry) No! You crazy madwoman! You think you can make me do whatever you want, don't you?

DARIA: Yes I do. I order you NOT to kill me.

(Quinn bunches her fists and then turns away.)

QUINN: You're not going to get out of this that easy, Daria. I'm going to call mom and dad and tell them what's happening.

DARIA: And how is that going to help? Mom will be busy, dad won't know what to do and both of them will just assume you've made a mistake. They'll just assume another parent-teacher conference is needed and think no more about it.

QUINN: Fine! I won't call them!

DARIA: Then you'll need a good excuse for why you didn't want them their daughter was suicidal.

QUINN: (almost hysterical) Why are you doing this to me?!?

DARIA: It makes me happy. Well, everything makes me happy at the moment. That's why I have to die. You know, I should get some kind of prepared statement to show people. It'll save a lot of time trying to explain it. Look, Quinn. Me? No want to live any more. Nothing good to live for. Only bad things. Don't like bad things. Rather be dead.

QUINN: When did you start caring you were a loser?

DARIA: Today. But tomorrow, I won't care about anything. Except perhaps being inhaled after my cremation.

QUINN: Fine. I'm going to talk to the teachers.

(She heads for the door.)

DARIA: You cross that line once, you'll never be able to come back! Hey, Jeffy, Joey and Jamie? If you let me out of here, I'll tell you where Quinn's erogenous zones are. I can make you a sex god in her eyes...

QUINN: No you don't! Jeffy, Joey and you as well, outside.

(The startled Jays leave the room.)

DARIA: Good. Leave me on my own so I can plan my escape in peace.

QUINN: No, I'm leaving you under guard from someone you can't possibly manipulate.

DARIA: Pretty sure Machiavelli doesn't live in Lawndale. Or, in fact, live at all.

(Daria sees who enters the room and her face falls.)

DARIA: Ohhhhhkay.

TIFFANY: Heeeeeeey, Quinn's cousin or whatever.

QUINN: Okay, Tiffany. I want you to stay here and guard Daria. And maybe she can explain to you a good reason why she should kill herself.

TIFFANY: You mean apart from the obvious?

(Quinn sighs.)

(Principal Li's office. Li is speaking to DeMartino, O'Neill and Jodie. Barch is sitting on a chair, sobbing.)

LI: This is completely unacceptable behavior! Deliberate sabotage of lessons for two different grades, rendering a teacher unfit for work and encouraging underage baby-farming? It's clear Miss Morgendorffer has abandoned any pretense of trying to bring any honor and glory to Laaawndale High and is determined to destroy it all! Expulsion is the only logical course of action...

JODIE: I don't think we need to go that far, Miss Li.

O'NEILL: Jodie's right, Angela. Daria's actions are clearly a cry for help that we, as educators, are duty-bound to respond to.

DeMARTINO: And as one of the FEW STUDENTS to even COMPREHEND the basic syllabus, Miss MORGENDORFFER is almost single-handedly LIFTING the grade-point average for the year - along with Miss Landon here, of course.

LI: I don't like setting such a dangerous precedent, allowing students such freedom because of their academic standing.

DeMARTINO: Whereas if DARIA WAS A QUARTERBACK, she would have CARTE BLANCH to sell HOME-MADE CRACK TO PENSIONERS!

O'NEILL: Anthony does make a point, Angela, and besides, if these stories that Daria is depressed are true...

DeMARTINO: Then we'll have another dead body to explain to the Superintendent. Or rather, YOU will, Li.

LI: So what are you suggesting we do? Either we let her harm herself or risk letting her harm others!

O'NEILL: Oh I can't believe Daria would ever willingly contemplate harming anyone.

(Everyone stares at him.)

O'NEILL: ...what?

(Study room. Daria, hands bound in front of her, gazes at Tiffany. Tiffany stares back.)

DARIA: (vo-thinking) Well, this is definitely a pickle. How the hell do you communicate with someone who'd lose a game of I Spy to a garden gnome? What do I know about Tiffany? What can I use to establish a rapport? Convince her to empathize with my plight, sympathize enough to help me? What could possibly convince her to help me?

(Beat.)

DARIA: (vo-thinking) Well, who says I need her help anyway? (aloud) Hey, Tiffany, you want to see something cool?

TIFFANY: Coooool?

DARIA: I found a way to go down a whole dress size. All you need to do is wish really hard. You want to see?

TIFFANY: Maybe.

(Daria holds up her bound wrists.)

DARIA: See my hands are tied up? If they were smaller, they could get out, right?

TIFFANY: Riiiiiiiiiight.

DARIA: So if I can get my wrists out, I must have gone down a size, right?

TIFFANY: Riiiiiight.

(Daria's hands are bound with a cable-tie, with her wrists aligned vertically one on top of the other. She twists her arms so her wrists are now horizontal atop each other. They take up less space and now the cable-tie is loose. With some difficulty, Daria pulls one hand free and then shakes the tie off the other.)

DARIA: Ta-da.

TIFFANY: Wowwwwwwwwww. You really DID lose weight. Can you show me how do that?

DARIA: Well, it does need to have your hands tied up to work.

TIFFANY: Yeaaahhh.

(Daria puts the tie around Tiffany's hands, making sure her wrists are horizontal, then tightens the cable-tie.)

DARIA: Now, you have to wish really, really hard Tiffany. Otherwise nothing will happen.

(Tiffany frowns with concentration and stares at her wrists. Daria crosses to right beside the door and says loudly.)

DARIA: ...so that was when I realized you should always knock before entering a room. And there Quinn was, lying on bed, absolutely naked and with the photo of her one true love in her free hand. Ooh, what's that Tiffany? I'm pretty sure it was one of the three Jays but I can't for the life of me remember which one. If only I could see them again, I could be sure which one it was...

(The door bursts open and the three Jays run in. Daria slips out and shuts the doors, locking it.)

DARIA: (calls) No wait, my mistake. It was a photo of Kermit the Frog. And Quinn was getting her nappy changed at the time. Sorry for any confusion! (to herself) You know I'm almost insulted how easy this is. Not surprised, but insulted. (sings) Don't bring me down, groos, don't bring me down, groos, down bring me down... doo-doo-dah-doo!

(She skips away.)

(Cafeteria. Jane is talking to Kevin, Brittney and Mack.)

KEVIN: Wait... you're saying that Daria was being mean to us?

BRITTNEY: She didn't sound mean, Jane. She actually made it sound really smart.

JANE: And you've never said something mean but sounded like you were being your normal friendly self?

BRITTNEY: (thoughtful) Hmmmmm.

MACK: I still don't get what's made her act so crazy.

JANE: Does it matter why? Ouiji boards, hormones, the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter is alignment with Mars!

KEVIN: Wow. I just thought it was a normal Tuesday.

JANE: Look, Daria is not herself at the moment, which is ironic as herself is the one person we need to protect her from right now. She's going to try and kill herself before ten-thirty tonight!

MACK: Why? What happens at ten-thirty?

JANE: I dunno, maybe she's working on Tokyo time!

(Andrea runs up.)

ANDREA: Turns out her sister locked her in a study room.

JANE: And?

ANDREA: She's the only one NOT locked in that study room. Scarlett's looking. No idea where she is.

JANE: Oh, give me strength. (to others) Well?? Are you guys going to help or not?

KEVIN: You bet, Jane! (beat) Uh... help HOW, exactly?

(Beat.)

JANE: Darn. I was hoping one of you would have worked out a plan by now.

(Brittney jumps up and down, waving her hand.)

BRITTNEY: Ooooh! I know what to do!

(Everyone exchanges glances.)

JANE: Well, you've got a better success rate at this than we do. What's your plan, Britt?

(Computer room. Daria is typing away furiously at a computer while other students are working. Ted sits next to her.)

TED: So you're saying heroin has been given a bad reputation by the right-wing media conspiracy?

DARIA: Hey, if it was so bad for you, how come there's a thriving customer base and ongoing business opportunity?

TED: But people keep dying from overdosing on it.

DARIA: Of course they do. Overdosing on anything will kill you. That's what overdose means, Ted. Taking too much. And too much of anything will kill you.

TED: I don't think drug abuse is the best life choice, though.

DARIA: You thought that before you tried gum, remember?

TED: Oh. That is true.

DARIA: You know, I really liked you when we first met, Ted. It was probably stupid to think we'd ever be more than vague acquaintances, but that first date we were on really sucked. Even by my standards.

TED: We were on a date?

DARIA: Yeah, you spent seventy per cent of it in a computer game fighting digital dragons. I mean, was it too much to hope you'd willingly spend the night in the same reality as me?

TED: Gee, Daria, I guess I never thought about it that way.

DARIA: You never thought about it at all, Ted, don't pretend. Don't worry, I'm not angry. That's my new thing now, and anyway, thanks for letting me use a computer.

TED: Oh, I'm always willing to help other students. I'm impressed you remember your essay so well you can type it all out from memory.

DARIA: Essay? Yeah, I suppose it's an essay. More of a sort of manifesto.

TED: I see your sarcasm and hyperbole still flourish. That title! I mean, "My Suicide Note By Daria Morgendorffer Aged 15 3/4" is definitely an attention-grabbing banner.

DARIA: Yeah, it's a tribute to Adrian Mole.

TED: Who's he?

DARIA: The only person I can think of more pretentiously arrogant, unpopular and clueless than I am. He might also be fictional, the court case still isn't finished yet.

(She stops typing.)

DARIA: Hmmm. I'm being far too hyperpolysyllabicsequepedallionistic.

TED: Ah, the word that describes the annoying habit of using far too long a word for a given purpose.

Oh Ted, in another life, I coulda rode you like a Harley-powered unicorn.

TED: (reading) "Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer, I feel compelled to try to make you understand something. It can really make no difference to me now, but this is still important to me, perhaps the only thing still important to me. You never really understood it, and consequently have never really understood me, all my life. My last act makes it even less likely that you will be able to comprehend this now. Nevertheless, I must try."

DARIA: (typing) "Dear Mom and Dad, you probably want to know why I killed myself." There, much simpler, much more straightforward. Now... "I wasn't really depressed until recently, so you wouldn't have seen any warning signs." That's better. All that stuff about absurdities, amusement and Azazel could go too. "Basically, I finally realized just how screwed-up I am and can no longer pretend otherwise."

TED: I don't know, Daria, I like that stuff about cloaking yourself in sweet nothings.

DARIA: And your opinions have always been in the majority huh, Ted? Still, that last bit is good.

TED: "Ours is an age proud of machines that think and suspicious of people who try to. What is there, in this, that I desire? And so I pass into oblivion with my armour on. Farewell, Daria Morgendorffer."

DARIA: I guess signing it in view of the title is just ridiculous. Oh never mind.

(She deletes what she wrote and types out another sentence, then clicks print.)

TED: "Dear all. Don't eulogize me, none of you have the wit. Sayonara, suckers. Daria."

DARIA: A pro keeps it simple.

TED: Daria, are you really going to end your life like this?

DARIA: Can you give me one compelling reason not to?

(Beat. Ted sighs.)

TED: I think you'd be missed.

DARIA: But not by you, huh?

TED: Did me treating you badly on the date drive you to this?

DARIA: If it did, what would you do about it?

TED: Um... say sorry?

(Beat.)

DARIA: Doesn't really sound like a solution, does it?

TED: Not really.

DARIA: Anyway, thanks for the use of a word processor. See you on the flipside, Ted. Good luck with the heroin addiction!

(She takes the printed page, waves cheerfully at the class and the leaves.)

TED: (sighs) I guess home schooling really can't teach you everything.

(Hallway. As Daria heads away from the classroom, O'Neill spots her and hurries after her.)

O'NEILL: Daria? Daria, wait!

DARIA: Sorry, Mr. O'Neill. Time's winged chariot is hurrying near.

O'NEILL: But Miss Li needs to talk to you urgently.

DARIA: Oh, I doubt that.

O'NEILL: It's true, Daria, she's very intent on seeing you.

DARIA: I believe it when I hear it on the PA system.

LI: (VO) Would Miss Daria Morgendorffer please make her way immediately to the Principal's Office at once?

DARIA: Okay, now I believe it. I'll go there right away, sir. No need to accompany me.

O'NEILL: I think I should, Daria. You remember when you first arrived here and was placed in my after-school self-esteem workshop?

DARIA: Yes, but I'm surprised you do.

O'NEILL: You graduated from that class with honors at the end of one week. I was so proud of you. And of Jane.

DARIA: When you eventually worked out which of us was which.

O'NEILL: But now I think that maybe you missed out on the true journey that the rest of the class experienced. I don't think we really managed to ensure you had the proper foundations of support and emotional fortitude.

DARIA: I disagree. And I would logically know that better than anyone else.

O'NEILL: (taken aback) Well, that is true, but... well, we're all a little worried about you.

DARIA: But only a little. Not very worried. Not beside yourself with worry. Just a little.

O'NEILL: Oh, Daria, that's a figure of speech. You are held in great respect by all the faculty, and word has reached us that you may be making some rather rash and ill-considered decisions.

DARIA: Mr. O'Neill. I'm trying to be nice. Don't make do to you what I did to Miss Barch.

O'NEILL: Janet's always been more fragile than she cares to let on...

OK. That does it. Mr. O'Niell, how long have you been at this school?

O'NEILL: Five years.

DARIA: So you've had five generations of school children pass through here under your watch. And what's happened to them all? Are they all happy? Are they all actualizing their potential? Have any of them committed suicide? Or got into abusive relationships? Or stupidly started families supporting them with poor jobs to continue the cycle of abuse? Come on, Timothy, have a wild guess. Look at what you've done to all those students and tell me you've done the world a favor?

(O'Neill's eyes glisten. He whimpers.)

DARIA: Now do you think that, with all that already on your shoulders, one more lost little girl is really going to make a difference?

O'NEILL: (anguished) Yes! It has to be, Daria! If I can help you, even if I can't help anyone else before or since, then it makes all the difference in the world! We can't save everyone, but as long as we can save someone, we owe it to do so!

DARIA: Wow. You genuinely believe this wishy-washy crap.

O'NEILL: I do, Daria! And I believe in you! Please, don't give up like this, here and now?

(Daria stares at him.)

DARIA: I think you might be a better man than you are a teacher. Sorry I couldn't help. (brightly) Ciao!

(She suddenly turns and bolts through a doorway before he can stop her.)

O'NEILL: Daria!

(Daria runs down a stairwell and finds Kevin and some other footballers standing around, blocking her way.)

DARIA: Scuse me, highly-intelligent estrogen coming through...

KEVIN: Um, Daria. Are you gonna like hurt yourself or anything?

DARIA: Ideally I don't intend to hurt at all, but I'll take what I can get.

KEVIN: Daria. They say you're trying to kill yourself.

DARIA: They're lying, Kevin.

KEVIN: (relieved) Really?

DARIA: Yeah, you know me. I don't "try" anything. I'm certain to guarantee kill myself first time.

KEVIN: Right, well, Daria, we're not going to let you.

DARIA: Why not?

(Kevin starts to answer, but stops. The other footballers look a bit stumped by that too.)

KEVIN: Well, killing yourself is bad.

DARIA: How do you know? You've never killed yourself. It could be great for all you know.

KEVIN: Uh... hey, that a point.

DARIA: You think about it, Kevin. I'll just get through here.

KEVIN: No way, Daria. I don't want you to kill yourself. I know you're a brain and all, and officially a loser, but you're nice to people. And you've helped me out a lot. No Lawndale QB would turn away from someone in need.

DARIA: But I'm not in need, Kevin.

KEVIN: (bewildered) You're not?

DARIA: So, you're being very noble, but you're hanging around a loser when you don't need to. What if Oakdale hear about it?

KEVIN: (shocked) Gee, Daria, you're right! But... no. We'll just have to kick their asses twice as hard next time. Daria, no one, like, hates you or anything.

DARIA: You know, Kevin, if one of your classmates commit suicide, the school board has to give the whole class "A"s?

KEVIN: What? Really?

DARIA: Think about it, Kevin. You, Brittney, Jodie, Mack, everyone wouldn't have to do another day's work. You'd ace the whole year. No bys from the coach, actual good grades.

KEVIN: Wow...

DARIA: You just have to let me through.

(She tries to get past, but Kevin stops her.)

KEVIN: But, couldn't you just "fake it" and not kill yourself but let everyone think you did?

DARIA: I dunno, Kevin, these superintendents are mighty wily.

KEVIN: Well... no! No sportsman ever throws his own player into the lion's den! I'm the QB, and I say Daria that you are not going to kill yourself today.

(Beat.)

DARIA: (cheerfully) Okay! I won't!

KEVIN: And don't do it tomorrow, either!

DARIA: Wow, you really are thinking this through, Kevin. So, now I'm not going to kill myself, can I get past?

(Kevin is about to let her through when one of the other footballers nudge him.)

KEVIN: Oh, uh, no. Sorry, Daria. No can do. You have to try a different exit.

DARIA: How suspiciously unlikely. Still, I'm not letting this bring me down.

(Humming, she skips up the stairwell and out of view.)

JOCK: You think that thing about the "A"s is really true?

KEVIN: Think it through, bro. If one kid killing themselves got everyone an "A", then why would they even bother trying to teach us? It'd be guaranteed every year!

JOCK: Oh. Good point.

KEVIN: Nope, we have to pass without anyone dead. It's not fair, but it's just the way it is.

(Daria runs along a hallway and sees Ted, O'Neill and several other students looking for her. She back-pedals through another set of doors. Cheerleaders are gathering near the exit. Still not spotted, Daria turns back and heads down another set of stairs. Several students are approaching, including Andrea and Scarlett. Daria rolls her eyes and heads back up the stairs.)

DARIA: So, Miss Morgendorffer, did you expect your last day on Earth to be spent trapped in your high school and besieged on all sides by a zombie apocalypse of fellow students?

(She stops.)

DARIA: (thoughtful) It does seem really rather appropriate, now I come to think of it.

(She spots a door at the next level and grins.)

DARIA: You're always talking about your crazy nights, one of these days you're going to get it right.

(She uses a key to unlock the door and enter. She closes the door before Scarlett and the others reach the landing.)

(Roof. Jane is standing near the edge of the parapet. She watches as the door to the stairwell bursts open and Daria bounces out, closing the door behind her.)

DARIA: (sings) Don't bring me down, no-no-no-no-no, woo-hoo...

(Jane turns away from Daria and steps up onto the edge.)

DARIA: I'll tell once more before before I get off the floor...

(She sees Jane about to step off the edge.)

DARIA: Jane!!! Jane, what the hell are you doing?

JANE: I'll show you.

DARIA: No! Don't show, just tell! (moves closer) Jane, why are you standing up there?

JANE: Oh you know, it's a Tuesday, there's nothing good on TV. Might as well end it all.

DARIA: All right, Jane. Point taken.

JANE: What? You're upset about this? I thought you were jammed into your happy place till ten tonight?

DARIA: Yes. I am. But I know it's false happiness. There's no way I could see you up there and be genuinely happy.

JANE: Well, congrats, amiga. At least you can be falsely happy without me. I don't get that option. I get to live in a world knowing my best friend would rather be dead than be with me. You're facing the same old pain you've beaten before. I get to get a whole new pain I've never felt before and it won't end. So will your mom and dad and Trent and Quinn...

DARIA: Jane. I am not worth you killing yourself. I'm not worth it.

JANE: Oh you are, amiga. You're worth it. That's why all the teachers and students at this hellhole are trying to stop you hurting yourself.

DARIA: They don't know what they're doing.

JANE: Because they're not blissed out of their skulls? You're not thinking, Daria! How could you ever believe we'd be better off without you? How could you want to hurt me like that?

DARIA: I don't want to hurt anyone. I know I've done that today, and it's another reason I can't go on, happy or sad...

JANE: That is total crap and you know it, Daria! Everyone's life sucks, always has, always will. We make it suck less by being with the people we care about, the people we love. If you don't want to hurt anyone, then don't!

DARIA: I'm not like you, Jane, I'm not strong enough to cope with this...

JANE: And you think I am? You think I'm going to cope without you? Knowing I'm the reason you killed yourself?

DARIA: I...

JANE: Oh, you don't want me to bring you down?

DARIA: Jinx.

JANE: Either you call off this suicide, Daria, or I beat you to the pearly gates.

DARIA: I'm calling it off. I won't do it.

JANE: Tell me like you mean it.

DARIA: I mean it!

JANE: Still not convinced!

DARIA: I'll, I'll go downstairs and be mobbed by the idiot intervention. I haven't got any pills, I can't do anything. I'll wear the nice coat with the really long sleeves. Maybe tonight I'll be able to laugh it off.

JANE: ...pfft. What do you think I am? Stupid?

(Jane moves to jump.)

DARIA: JANE!!!!

(Daria dives, tackling Jane and trying to pull her back onto the roof but the momentum pulls them both over the edge of the roof and down out of sight.)

(A long pause.)

(Jane can be heard laughing. Pan down to show a massive pillar of exercise matts has been stacked up for Daria and Jane to land harmlessly upon. Daria laughs too.)

DARIA: You complete and utter and total bitch...

JANE: So you DID think I was stupid?

DARIA: I should have realized they were herding me up there because you were waiting. Who's idea was this?

JANE: Brittney's, but she adapted it from Scarlett's trying to give you harmless pills.

DARIA: If you can't stop me jumping, make sure I land safely. You really are a brilliant actress, Lane.

JANE: So. You still going to open your wrists?

DARIA: No.

JANE: No?

DARIA: No. I'm feeling happy now, more happy than the rest of the day put together. If I've got you tomorrow, then it can't be that bad. Never as bad as losing you.

JANE: Knew you'd confess your undying love for me.

DARIA: Well, I'm not dying so I guess it counts. (sighs) I guess I have to explain all this to Miss Li and everyone.

JANE: Right now, I'd worry about how the hell we actually get down from here.

DARIA: So Brittney didn't think this far?

JANE: I know, inconceivable.

DARIA: You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it does.

JANE: Oh don't bring me down, Daria, no-no-no-no-no.

(Principal Li's office. Jane and Daria stand before Li's desk. DeMartino, O'Neill and Barch - who is still weeping and blowing her nose - are also present.)

LI: So, Miss Morgendorffer, let me see if I have this clear. In an effort to improve your social skills you engaged on listening to a series of instructive audio recordings while you slept. However, due to a faulty cassette scrambling, you instead unwittingly conditioned yourself to become an anarchic, destabilizing presence causing chaos and confusion wherever you went.

DARIA: Yes, Miss Li.

LI: (snorts) And this only happened today?

JANE: I take full responsibility, Miss Li. Daria was desperate to bring honor to Laaaaaaaawndale High and this seemed the best way to do it.

LI: While I may respect such leanings, Miss Lane, Miss Morgendorffer's deranged actions forced the school to a near standstill because of your bright idea.

DARIA: That is true, but you don't have to see the glass half-empty.

LI: Even though it's clear she's not herself.

DARIA: Miss Li, you could say that today my selfish behavior nearly brought the school to a grinding hold - or you could celebrate that all the faculty and seniors selflessly cooperated to help a student suffering a brief period of artificially-induced insanity.

JANE: That sort of inclusivity and support could bring honor to Laaaaawndale High, Miss Li.

LI: Stop saying "Lawndale" like that, Miss Lane, it sound creepy. And while such publicity could be good in the short-term it could give people the wrong idea that Laaawndale High is a refuge for the mentally-imbalanced and behaviorally-challenged!

DeMARTINO: As if it hasn't already GOT that WELL-EARNED REPUTATION ALREADY!

DARIA: Of course, we could just all act like this never happened.

JANE: It's a Republican tradition.

DARIA: This business only interrupted half a school day, after all. Tomorrow will be normal and I'm sure to moderate my behavior, and there will no danger of my parents taking legal action for allowing a cheerleader of all people to try and resolve my suicidal ideation.

LI: That sounds like blackmail, Miss Morgendorffer.

DeMARTINO: Hmm. She must be getting BETTER.

O'NEILL: Oh, Anthony! This is still a terrible situation, that we allowed Daria to feel so bad about her own unconventional attitude she was driven to such extremes...

DARIA: Uh, well, if you accept my apology, we'll call it quits.

JANE: Quick, simple and cost-effective.

LI: Very well, Miss Morgendorffer. I am putting you on probation. If you come back tomorrow showing the slightest signs of this mania, you will be immediately suspended and the clear amount of emotional anguish you inflicted on this school will be deducted from your family in the court!

JANE: You remember who her mother is, right?

LI: Which just shows how confident I am in such a case, Miss Lane. As you provided these self-hypnosis tapes, don't think you will escape litigation!

JANE: (folds arms) Oh, I make sure I live just above the poverty line for precisely this reason...

O'NEILL: Jane, please! This has been a trying day for everyone! Now, I suggest you take Daria home and help her, uh, do whatever it is to make her normal, like you said you can do.

DeMARTINO: I notice how CHARMINGLY VAGUE you were about THOSE SPECIFIC DETAILS, Miss Lane.

JANE: Mr. D, if I told you how to do something like this, could you really trust yourself with the power?

O'NEILL: She's right, Anthony. We'd spend the rest of our lives regretting abusing such an ability.

DeMARTINO: Yeah, but WE'D ENJOY IT TODAY! Which seems a better deal than MOST HUMAN BEINGS GET!

LI: That's enough, Mr. DeMartino. Now, you two are excused for the rest of the school day - conditional on you apologizing to everyone you have cruelly manipulated!

JANE: In two and a half hours? Talk about a tight deadline.

LI: That's non negotiable, young ladies.

DARIA: Oh, don't bring me down, Miss Li. Don't bring me down...

LI: Oh, make like ELO and split!

O'NEILL: Actually, Angela, ELO began a reunion tour just last year...

JANE: (brightly) And we're off to apologize!

(Jane grabs Daria and pulls her to exit.)

JANE: Honestly, Daria, next time make your signature psycho theme tune something less embarrassing...

DARIA: What? Like Mystik Spiral? My nose is dry and chapped, but this pup is here to stay...

(Jane drags Daria out of the office.)

JANE: (calls) She'll be better tomorrow!

DARIA: (singing very loudly) Scratch my belly, baby! EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY! Rarooooo! Bow-wow...

(Playground. Jodie and Mack sit under a tree. Daria and Jane stand nearby.)

DARIA: ...and so while you're fully-entitled to hate me and not believe a word I say, I maintain I am very sorry for any hurt I have caused and regret doing it.

MACK: Aren't you like, basically high right now?

JANE: In vino veritas.

MACK: Huh.

DARIA: That's Latin.

MACK: I know.

DARIA: I will return tomorrow to deliver the exact same apology when I am stone cold sober and gazing into the pitiless void of human misery we call life. If you don't accept it then, I'll agree that our friendship is forever broken. Or comradeship. Or whatever we call the fact you're two of the very few people at this school I can say I respect.

MACK: I forgive you, Daria. But you ever call me Mack-Daddy again and we're over.

JANE: Kevin calls you that all the time.

MACK: Yeah, but he doesn't do it out of cruelty. He's an idiot, but he's not a jerk.

DARIA: Wow. That would actually be a touching epitah for anyone, now I come to think about it. And, Jodie...

JODIE: You were just telling the truth.

DARIA: I was being hurtful. You don't need to be mocked for the parts of your life you are already unhappy with. I might as well do to a burns unit and jeer at them for their dry skin. Which does sound like something I'd do.

JODIE: Yeah. You know, even though you pissed us off, we didn't want you dead.

DARIA: I wouldn't blame you if you did.

MACK: You should. You're more important than some insults.

DARIA: Careful, Mack, there's that personality again. (beat) I'm doing it again, aren't I?

JANE: You're bringing them down. Hey, let's check her tomorrow, once we surgically remove both feet from her mouth.

(Jane drags Daria off. She waves happily at them.)

JODIE: I can see why she respects you.

MACK: You call that respect?

JODIE: No. But you earn it anyway.

(She kisses his cheek and rests her head on his shoulder. He puts his arm around her.)

MACK: (slightly nervous) YOU think I've got a personality, though, right?

(Jodie laughs.)

(Gymnasium. Jane and Daria sit on the bleacher stands with Brittney and Kevin.)

KEVIN: Don't worry, Daria, I knew it wouldn't be worth letting you killing yourself. I asked about that "A" thing to the Coach and he says it was a load of bull-twang.

DARIA: I'm, as always, impressed by your insight, Kevin.

BRITTNEY: And I'm really glad my plan worked, Daria!

DARIA: It was very clever, Brittney. I didn't see it coming, even though you had deliberately forced me into a corner to the one place I had a key to the stairwell.

JANE: It's a good thing Miss Li didn't ask about that. I don't need a fired custodian on my for-want-of-a-better-word conscience.

BRITTNEY: I just thought, if we can't stop you jumping off the roof, we can make sure you're landing safely.

DARIA: And it was your idea Jane jump off first.

BRITTNEY: Of course! You'd never let anything bad happen to Jane, Daria, everyone knows that!

DARIA: It genuinely terrifies me just how well you know my true soul, Brittney.

BRITTNEY: Oh, don't be scared, Daria! I know you're real unpopular but, like, it's just high school! You're a really smart and nice person and you always help me out with stuff, and I'd never want you to hurt yourself!

DARIA: (quietly) Seriously?

BRITTNEY: Aw, Daria! Of course not!

(She embraces Daria, muffling her protests with her breasts. Jane and Kevin watch on. Time passes.)

JANE: So. This doing anything for you?

KEVIN: (shrugs) Not sure. You?

JANE: I think I'll need a cigarette afterwards.

(Daria continues to unwittingly motorboat Britney.)

JANE: And possibly they will too.

(Hallway. Upchuck is putting away his books in lockers, seeming rather subdued. Jane and Daria are present.)

DARIA: ...and it would be the height of all hypocrisy to let me off assaulting you like that. If a guy did that to a girl, he'd be front page news and facing a lynch mob.

UPCHUCK: I understand, Daria.

(Beat.)

JANE: That's it? You're not going to go on about how you're used to ladies being driven criminally-insane with desire and leaping on your bodies?

UPCHUCK: (sighs) No. It would have been nice if you'd wanted me in your right mind. Or anyone, come to that.

JANE: Hold up, Upchuck. My friend here has apologized. You trying to guilt-trip us into a threesome is disproportionate retribution in anyone's language.

(Upchuck closes his locker.)

UPCHUCK: Fine. Whatever.

DARIA: (seriously) Charles.

UPCHUCK: (looks up) What?

DARIA: I feel no attraction to you whatsoever and I think the idea I willingly went to first base with you is something that will help many therapists pay off their mortgages in the not-too-distant future.

UPCHUCK: Thanks for telling me that.

DARIA: That said - you're a surprisingly good kisser. Even in my insensible state, it was good.

JANE: (nauseating) Oh, dear god, no.

UPCHUCK: Really?

DARIA: Why should I lie about it? If you can ever find someone to put up with your repulsive identity, Charles, you'll have won the whole battle.

(Beat.)

UPCHUCK: Thanks, Daria.

JANE: (retching) We have to go now. My liver's disintegrating.

UPCHUCK: I don't suppose you'll tell anyone else about my magic lipwork will you, Daria?

DARIA: Nah, that'd spoil the surprise. Let them find out themselves. Hey, Jane, want to try him out?

(Covering her mouth, Jane runs off. Daria smiles at Upchuck, gives a finger-gun-style salute, and follows Jane. Upchuck smiles as they go.)

UPCHUCK: Oooh, she's feisty...

(Happily, he turns and skips away.)

(Outside classroom. Jane looks pale and unwell.)

JANE: So is that the lot?

DARIA: Well, I suppose I should apologize to Quinn, Tiffany, the three Jays, Ted...

JANE: Oh god, this is like the twelve labors of Hercules! No way could cleaning out the stables be worse than you flirting with Upchuck...

DARIA: I guess I can just narrow it down to the most important.

JANE: You do that. I'll stay here and try not to be sick again.

DARIA: You're speaking physically rather than spiritually, right?

JANE: I make no promises either way.

(Daria enters the class. Mr. O'Neill is looking through papers. The class is otherwise empty.)

DARIA: Um, Mr. O'Neill.

O'NEILL: Oh, Daria! I didn't know you were still here...

DARIA: Yeah, I'm actually here to apologize for what I did today.

O'NEILL: You don't need to, Daria. We all know you're not responsible for your actions.

DARIA: Well, I do try to be responsible for my actions. And I do appreciate how you really do want to help me. I think you're punching way above your weight in regard to your actual skills as an educator, but you convinced me you genuinely do care about your students. I guess that's a rare things in this society of raging mediocrity and apathetic condensation.

O'NEILL: I... Thank you. I think.

DARIA: You're a good person, Mr. O'Neill. I'm not sure I can say the same about your teaching, but it's nice to have one person who gives a damn even if they're rubbish.

O'NEILL: (sighs) I really do try to do the right thing, Daria.

DARIA: I get that now. And I hope you never stop. But, er, maybe be a bit more flexible over what the "right thing" is. Um, that is all. I'll see you tomorrow.

O'NEILL: I look forward to it, Daria.

DARIA: ...do you?

O'NEILL: Er, well, more than if you didn't see me to tomorrow.

DARIA: OK. Oh, and I'm sorry about Miss Barch.

O'NEILL: Actually, I think we've straddled a huge emotional hurdle, Daria, allowing her to finally break down the self-imposed emotional shields that both she and society have been forced to erect due to generations of preprogrammed hypocritical negative esteem issues...

(Daria checks her bare wrist.)

DARIA: Is that the time? Sorry, I gotta go. Think like a blood group and B positive! See ya!

(Daria runs out. O'Neill is thoughtful.)

O'NEILL: B... Positive?

(He gets the joke and gives a little girlish giggle.)

(Daria, Jane and Quinn are walking down the street.)

QUINN: It's so unfair. You humiliate me in front of everyone, force me to admit we're related and then you don't even get into trouble about it!

JANE: You know, Quinn, everyone knows that Daria is your sister.

QUINN: That's just slanderous rumor-mongering I intend to correct. It's a good thing for you I don't need mom and dad finding out about this, or they'll go on more parent-daughter bonding sesssions!

JANE: They don't sound so bad. Didn't the last one involving eating strange berries, stripping naked and dancing in the woods?

QUINN: Daria, did you tell your little friend about that?

DARIA: Tell her? She couldn't shut me up.

QUINN: Daria!

DARIA: Look, I promise not to euthenaze myself until it is perfectly in tune with your social calendar, Quinn.

QUINN: As if you'd ever do that! I bet you'll wait till prom or homecoming just to ruin everything for me!

DARIA: (to Jane) You know, I'm not sure how long my new anti-suicide resolution will last.

JANE: Hey, Quinn? Would you ever kill yourself just to make Daria feel bad?

QUINN: What? No! Duh!

JANE: Well then, she'd have to be even shallower than you do that then, wouldn't she?

QUINN: Hmm. Good point.

(They reach the Morgendorffer household.)

QUINN: You know, Daria, um... Even without the unpopularity stuff, I wouldn't be happy if you were dead.

DARIA: Please, Quinn, I can only contain so much sisterly love.

QUINN: Of course, if you were to get the hell out of my life forever and live in that Montana cabin of yours, I really wouldn't complain. Just, you know, stay alive.

(She enters the house, leaving them outside.)

JANE: I wish I had a sister like that.

DARIA: Why?

JANE: Because then she'd be on the other side of the planet and I'd only see her once or twice every leap year.

DARIA: Mmm. Good deal.

JANE: (checks watch) Well, four and a half hours of happiness left. Do you want to do anything special?

DARIA: Why bother? There's always tomorrow.

JANE: Procrastination and apathy. Is that real Daria talking or happy shiny Daria talking?

DARIA: Well, given everything I do will give me the same giddying euphoric high, it's all meaningless. Did I thank you again for this wonderful gift?

JANE: Hey, it's the thought that counts. And I even thought to add six hours to let you sleep in. Clever, huh?

DARIA: Ingenious. So, best friend, what do you want to do?

JANE: Pizza and then watch some TV at my place?

DARIA: I think I should be home tonight. The padded cell will finally come in handy.

JANE: Do you want me to stay over?

DARIA: (no hesitation) Yes.

JANE: Yay, a sleepover in a schizophrenic's playpen with a soon-to-be manic depressive! Oh, Daria, you are spoiling me!

DARIA: Impossible. Your use-by date expired long ago.

(They head off towards Pizza King.)

(ELO's "Don't Bring Me Down" as Daria and Jane eat pizza and talk. Both smile.)

(Then they're at the arcade playing shoot-em-ups without looking, firing over their shoulders and under arms or legs, often missing.)

(They walk down Dega Street, with a clipboard and asking various people questions that clearly disturb and upset them. Some storm off angrily and Daria smirks behind their backs.)

(Night is falling.)

(Then they are in basement of Jane's house, watching Mystik Spiral rehearse. Daria watches on, calm and happy, smiling and not self-conscious. Trent smiles back her and does a guitar solo, tangles his fingers and drops the guitar.)

(Daria poses before Jane as she paints a picture of her, showing Daria with her hands clasped, leaning forward and grinning her VERY creepy grin.)

(Trent drives Daria and Jane to the Morgendorffer's house. Jane gets out, but Daria pauses to hug Trent tightly. He's slightly startled, but hugs her back. Daria gets out, blows Trent a kiss and skips happily. Trent looks to Jane, and they speak over the music.)

TRENT: She'll be better tomorrow?

JANE: That's the plan.

TRENT: You did the right thing, Janey. It's nice to see her happy like that.

JANE: Yeah, but only to throw the rest of her in sharp relief. Happy Daria is too good for this sinful world.

(Jane follows Daria inside.)

(Kitchen. Jake serves lasagna to Daria, Jane, Quinn and Helen. Quinn is in a foul mood. Daria smiles happily. Helen eyes her suspiciously. Jane is doing most of the talking, and Jake is clearly unaware of anything suspicious.)

(Daria's room. Her alarm clock says 10:25. Daria and Jane sit on the bed, watching TV as the music fades.)

TV: Can the instruction manual for an ordinary washing machine accurately prevent the end of the world? What to do when the machine stops, tomorrow on Sick Sad World!

JANE: Wow, it can predict the apocalypse but can't keep my whites sparkling fresh. What a complicated universe we live in. Five minutes to go, amiga. How you're coping?

DARIA: Still blissfully happy. But also terrified. It's like I'm waiting for the firing squad.

JANE: Do you think they'd give you a blindfold or just take off your glasses? No, blindfold. You'd scare the shooters before they could take aim.

DARIA: I am scared, though. What if I never feel happy again?

JANE: You felt happy before, didn't you?

DARIA: Yeah, but what are the odds of Quinn getting her tonsils out twice?

JANE: You know there are plenty of idiots at the school who appreciate the fact you're alive.

DARIA: They only said that once I got them out of classes.

JANE: I'm sorry, you're saying that Kevin and Brittney are capable of emotionally-manipulating you?

DARIA: That DOES sound pretty ridiculous. But what if I feel happy again, Jane? What if it turns me into a bigger bitch than the entire Fashion Club combined?

JANE: I think you getting so happy to be in permanent bliss is unlikely.

DARIA: So did I still someone hypnotized me.

JANE: Look, as a fail safe I'll jump on your toes every few minutes. That should prevent your joy from hitting critical mass. Or at least prove which one of us has tougher boots.

DARIA: Intellectually, I know this was a disastrous day, but it was nice to feel... free. Nothing was holding me back.

JANE: Including the stuff that should hold you back. Daria, if you want to have fun and adventure and excitement and really wild things, you don't need hypnosis.

DARIA: No. But I reckon I'll need physical therapy are this. I exercised more today than I have in months.

JANE: And that was just the skipping.

DARIA: I'm still scared. The anesthetic's going to wear off and all the pain's going to come flooding back.

JANE: Tch. You're a woman, Daria. Ten million years of evolution and or a misogynistic deity have built you to take worse.

DARIA: I think this is going to take more than some midol tablets, a chocolate bar and a hot water bottle.

JANE: Wow, THAT makes it unique in all human experiences.

(The time clicks to 10:29.)

JANE: Sixty seconds.

DARIA: I'm in my home, in my room, with my best friend. There are worse ways to go, I suppose.

JANE: You're not going anywhere, Daria. You're coming back.

DARIA: I should get Andrea and Scarlett to hypnotize you in revenge. Maybe get all your gossipy matchmaking personality flaws removed for good.

JANE: I thought that was why you liked me.

DARIA: Maybe I think it'll make you feel happier?

JANE: Go ahead, but Miss Li will think you're using those self-improvement tapes on me and her wrath will be noisy and terrible. (inhales) Forty seconds. Any famous last words?

DARIA: Well, I was thinking of Raphael's last words.

JANE: "Cowabunga, Turtle Power?"

DARIA: No, the other Raphael. His last word was "Happy."

JANE: Not inappropriate but I think you can do better.

DARIA: "My troubles are all over. And I am home."

JANE: What's that from?

DARIA: Black Beauty. It's a book I like. It made me happy. Guess it will do.

JANE: Thirty seconds. I'm right beside you, amiga.

(Daria nods but says nothing. Five seconds pass.)

DARIA: What would your last words be, Jane?

JANE: Hmm. I suppose it depends on the context, really. Am I being executed? Is it a natural disaster? Am I dying of old age surrounded by fat grandchildren...?

DARIA: Whatever.

JANE: I'd say... "Hey, did I ever tell you about the day I met my best friend Daria? It was back when there was nothing good on TV so I took self-esteem classes after school. Then, one day, there was a new victim in that positive-self-image pergatory who actually spoke English and thus couldn't understand a word the teacher was saying. I told her, just relax and listen to the nice man's soothing voice. She was so grateful she came back to my place and together we prevented the place being foreclosed because Trent didn't think a red envelope was in any way important. So this girl, she was a girl I hasten to add, helped me barricade the door and told her name was Morgendorffer. Daria Morgendorffer. But I could call her amiga, since she was a girl and also my friend..."

(Jane notices the clock now reads 10:30. Daria is staring ahead of her, unseeing. She bows her head, cradling it in her hands. Jane puts her arm around Daria's shoulders.)

JANE: So, since Trent was so far into the arms of Morpheus a skin graft was required and wouldn't be able to use his inhuman muso charisma on Daria for some time, I decided to team up with Daria and together we would lay waste to civilization, driving our enemies before us and enjoying the lamentation of their women. Naturally enough, Daria looked me up and down and wondered what the hell someone with my healthy ego was doing in a self-esteem class?

(Outside the house, Jane can be heard as the light glows behind Daria's windows.)

JANE: (VO) I told her a quip I'd been mentally practicing for six months for just that occasion - that having low self-esteem made me feel special. But Daria knew I was wasting my talent for chaos and destruction, plus her sister had been going around claiming to be an only child. Together, as thunder and lightning crashed, we came up with our despicably evil scheme to bring vengeance upon the moronic and malevolent forces that surround us - because, after all, what else is friendship for?

***

I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane
While people behind me are going insane
I'm an asshole, he's an asshole, what an asshole!
I'm an asshole, he's an asshole, such an asshole!

(Daria in blue overalls, clogs and a flap cap stumbling out of a smoke-filled cafe with rainbows painting on the walls. Jane as a gymnast in a leotard with dark glasses and a white cane standing on a beam. Quinn is on stage, holding a smoking pipe in one hand as she reads from a book of poetry. Tiffany is floating above the bed, ala "The Exorcist".)

Sometimes I park in the handicap spaces
While handicapped people make handicap faces
I'm an asshole, he's an asshole, what an asshole!
I'm an asshole, he's the world's biggest asshole!

(Brittney as the Bogeyman with a hat, ragged clothes and a noose dangling from her neck. Helen and Jake walking past each other on stilts, Jake doffing his hat to Helen. Li as a bride of Dracula. Andrea in medieval princess get-up crouching through reeds to gaze at her reflection in a pond.)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song?
Ranting and raving and carrying on?
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong?
Nah! I'm an asshole, he's an asshole, what an asshole!
I'm an asshole, he's the world's biggest asshole!

(O'Neill as a Mafia don in a pinstripe suit flipping a coin. Trent in a fishing boat, gazing at the sunset. Scarlett as a baseball player. Kevin having skied down a hill and crashed into a tree, with his head punching through the trunk.)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E! Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E!

(Upchuck as a centaur with a spear scooping a scantily-clad Stacy into his arms. Jane as Locutus of the Borg. DeMartino as Rasputin. Daria in scrubs, surgical mask and hairnet pulling on a latex glove.)