YOA and the Sensitivity to Mental Health Issues

[Dave Restal and his pals Andrew and Nigel are at the rather under-performing home rental DVD/VHS shop, Frontier Videos. Andrew is reading the back of a DVD. Nigel reads Woman's Weekly. Parker, an older and criminally-insane gentleman walks up to the front desk with a hold-all full of box-sets.]

Parker: Hello, Dave.

Dave: Hullo, sir.

Parker: I've got a bit of a problem. You see, all of my DVD collection are scratched. Can you help?

Nigel: How in the name of Rolf Harris's so-called self-respect did you manage to get every DVD scratched?

Parker: I did it on purpose.

Andrew: Well, that's something I suppose.

Dave: Sir, why did you scratch all of your DVDs?

Parker: Well, I felt a bit low. I'm a bit angry about how my life is going. I still don't have a girlfriend. I hate it!

Dave: Um, okay, but I don't know how to help.

Parker: But ever since I scratched these DVDs, none of them work!

Andrew: Maybe that's why they tell you not to scratch them on the boxes?

Parker: I'm not talking to you! Can you help me, Dave?

Dave: Well, deliberate scratches... I dunno if they can be repaired. If you want to exchange your DVDs at the shop, well, you'll need proof of purchase and to have had them for a short time...

Nigel: Oh, and bought them scratched in the first place.

Dave: Thank you, Nigel, that's very helpful.

Nigel: He won't get any free replacements! He damaged his own property maliciously! If he doesn't like it, he can post an FU tube on The Checkout and see if they can make a half-decent sight gag about it!

Parker: What if I take them back to a shop and explain how jealous and low and angry I've been feeling? Explain why I scratched them, explain that I don't want to pay for replacements? Would that work?

Nigel: If you want to be escorted off the premises by security...

Parker: Why the fuck would I be escorted off premises by security?!

Dave: Sorry, sir, but that reason for returning the product WOULD make you sound like a crazy person.

Parker: But it wasn't my fault, though! I was feeling so angry about life...

Dave: Yes, but ...

Parker: It was not my fault! I want my fucking DVDs back!

Andrew: You shouldn't have scratched them in the first place.

Parker: So how the fucking hell do I get my DVDs back you stupid fucking cunt?!

Nigel: ...that escalated quickly.

Andrew: Asking "stupid fucking cunts" for advice? Is that how you came up with the "destroy DVD collection" stratagem in the first place?

Dave: Sir, I don't think you can get your DVDs back. You broke them and the consequences are, you don't get them back. Sadly.

Parker: It's not fair! I was feeling low! How is it fair that I was feeling so low that I've ruined all my DVDs? Now I don't have any DVDs and my brother has loads?

Dave: I'm sure whatever else happens, obsessing about your brother won't help.

Parker: It's all his fucking fault!

Dave: OK, we can try that approach.

Nigel: Deep breaths, buddy.

Parker: Its not fair that my fucking little shit of a brother is happy all the time with his wife when I am upset! When do I get a nice girlfriend? When can I treat a special girl from a weekend away? Instead I'll probably end up with a fugly mole skank bitch who has, like, dyspraxia or something!

Dave: And you're such a charmer, too.

Parker: I don't know how to talk to girls, Sherlock! None even look at me! That's why I quit taking my medication - those pills were useless in getting me a girlfriend! [screams] HI BABE! HOW'S THE WEATHER? WANT TO DATE? Did those pills help me talk to girls? Did they stop me cyberbulling fat chicks on dating sites? Did they get me a bachelor of applied business studies? Could they teach me to drive?

Nigel: What the hell were these pills? Dissolvable life coaches?

Parker: I don't know, I chucked them all into a duck pond!

Dave: Those ducks must be really tripping balls by now.

Andrew: Scratching DVDs, going cold turkey on medication... This guy is a poster child for intelligent design.

Parker: OH GOD! I don't have time for this! I'm 35 fucking years old! Most people my age are settled down, married, having kids and I've never even held a girl's hand! I don't know any girls my age! Ashley Madison banned me from their accounts! I have no hobbies, I can't dance or sing, no clubs will let me join! My life is almost as pathetic as my own three-inch circumcision-needing penis! I fucking hate it!

[He starts laughing hysterically.]

Parker: I'm getting older and older by the second! I need a girlfriend now, before I stop producing sperm! Now-now-now-now-now-now-now-now-now!

[A very awkward pause.]

Dave: Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Um, well, sir, if you're desperate and know the right services to contact, you could... rent... a girlfriend for this evening.

Parker: Would these girlfriends tend to come with friends of their own who wait outside to deal - often swiftly and decisively - with any abusive behavior on the part of their client?

Andrew: ...that was frighteningly specific. I mean, I'm actually rather disturbed at you immediately asking that.

Parker: I want just someone who can love me for being me. And my brother and his wife will come over at Christmas and probably kiss and hug each other on New Year's Eve - and what about me? I'll be all alone! Unsuccessful! Unloved! Oh, I feel my brain is going to explode with hate! I NEED A GIRLFRIEND! A GIRLFRIEND WILL MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER!

Dave: And you said you cyberbullied women on dating sites?

Parker: Well, I got no replies at first. So I went for the overweight women. I told them, "You're probably going to be the only thing I can get on this site - but don't expect me to be pleased about introducing you to my family you ugly fat bitch."

Nigel: You silver-tongued devil, you.

Parker: It's all their fault! They eat too much! Why do I have settle for ugly bitches when my brother doesn't??

Dave: I'm sure your sister in law must know some eligible bachelorettes...

Parker: This is all my brother's fault, though. If he actually had an ugly wife, none of this would matter!

Nigel: Or maybe you're gay.

Parker: No! I'm not! I briefly considered it in college, shortly before I was expelled.

Dave: When was this?

Parker: Last Friday. You get into one argument with one fellow student and you permanently thrown out! And did the other guy ever get any punishment?

Andrew: What did he do?

Parker: He just lay there, on the ground, letting me kick him in the ribs and punching him in the face!

Andrew: Why the hell were you attacking him?

Parker: Because I wanted to hurt him as much as possible!

Andrew: Obviously!

Parker: And you know what? If I could do it all over again, I would! I wish I'd hurt him even more than I did!

Dave: You're lucky you didn't get arrested.

Parker: ...I hadn't thought of that. What if I go to jail? Will that mean I won't ever be able to go abroad? What if I get a girlfriend and she wants to go overseas? What the hell do I tell her?!? It's not fair, it would so horrible to fail my girlfriend if we couldn't go on holiday! Maybe I should volunteer at my local church and then they won't send me to prison...

Dave: Still, seeking legal advice might be an idea, sir.

Nigel: Yeah, one who doesn't find lost causes too depressing...

Dave: I'm sure you could appeal expulsion or something. Maybe, claim diminished responsibility, do the course online or...

Parker: No! The stupid lecturers refuse to speak to me!

Dave: Why not, sir?

Parker: I told them all I hoped sex offenders would rape all their infant children to death in their cradles.

[A loooooooooooooooong pause.]

Andrew: And that didn't make them want you to stay at their establishment? Who'd have expected that?

Dave: Sir... you.... you can't mean that.

Parker: Oh I do mean it, Dave. I mean every word of it. I stand by what I said.

Nigel: Day-am, I would not want to be your driving instructor.

Parker: Driving instructor? Don't mock me, you little shit! Do you know how hard it is for me? I can't just phone up and say "I want a driving lesson!"

Nigel: Actually...

Andrew: Yes, you can.

Dave: That's exactly how it works, in fact, sir.

Parker: Shut up! [sobs] I ruined my one chance of doing something I thought I was good at...This is all my brothers fault. All his fault! I bet he'd laugh so much if he could see me right now! I hate him so much!

Andrew: Why? Did he bully you?

Parker: No.

Nigel: Taunt you?

Parker: No.

Dave: Then what?

Parker: He's just... just so bloody successful! He's attractive and his wife is attractive and girls don't look at me and he has everything and I have nothing! It's really not fair! I HATE HIM! And his wife! How come she gets to be a teacher? Even if he had kids, they would be dead to me! Why is everyone so fucking successful compared to me?! IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! I NEED TO HAVE A BETTER GIRLFRIEND AND BETTER QUALIFICATIONS THAN MISTER FUCKING FANTASTIC!

Dave: Well, maybe he can help you out with the whole... GBH stuff.

Parker: No! He graduated from Uni, he's got married, he's even been on holiday with her! I NEED THAT! But now I have failed! FAILED! OH I HATE THAT FUCKING LITTLE PRICK SO MUCH! And as my parents wanting to hold me back and my sister and her boyfriend going somewhere called Rhodes! HAVING GOOD TIMES! I HATE THEM HAVING FUN! Why can't it be me? Why can't I have their lives! I WANT THEIR LIVES!

Andrew: ...not joking, this is genuinely creeping me out.

Parker: I want kids! I want a family! I do not want a die a lonely old man! I can't be THAT ugly!!! I HATE MY BROTHER, I WANT WHAT HE HAS! MONEY! SEX! NO ONE ELSE DESERVES THOSE THINGS! My brother doesn't deserve sex and cars and a job or a place at uni and as for my sister... THEY ARE NOT MY FAMILY! NEVER NEVER EVER CALL THEM MY FAMILY! I have fucking standards! I-hate-them-I-hate-them-I-hate-them-I-hate-them-I-hate-them-I-hate-them-I-hate-them-I-hate-them-I-hate-them-I-hate-them-I-hate-them-I-hate-them-I-hate-them-I-hate-them-I-hate-them-I-hate-them...

Nigel: I think he's stuck.

Andrew: Don't hit refresh. Just let him tire himself out.

Dave: Um, sir? Mr. Parker?

[Parker slams his hands against the desk.]

Parker: I have already destroyed my DVD collection in my anger and I punched a little old lady in the street yesterday so it is all my brother's fault! Nothing is working! My future is gone! My life is ruined! There is no hope for me! I don't even have a girl I can invite to the movies!

Dave: Well, at least you both didn't suffer through The Last Jedi.

Parker: THAT'S ALL MY BROTHER'S FAULT TOO!

Dave: Wow. I'm starting to understand your hatred.

Parker: IT IS HIS FUCKING FAULT. I HATE HIM SO MUCH. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND AND I DON'T.

Dave: Do you have any siblings you don't hate?

Parker: DON'T YOU DARE CALL THEM MY SIBLINGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THEM ALL SO MUCH! WHY IS IT ME? WHY CAN'T MY FUCKING BROTHER HAVE MY FUCKING PROBLEMS?

Andrew: Because he'd face them with dignity and grace?

Parker: Don't you dare! Don't you dare call him a fucking hero!

Andrew: ...I didn't.

Dave: No, sir, he didn't.

Parker: Good!!

Nigel: Can we change the subject then?

Andrew: Read any good books lately?

Parker: No! I hate reading! I just want my DVD collection back!!!

Nigel: Aaaaaand we're back to square one.

Parker: Oh fuck off! You fucking stupid little shts! You have no idea what it's been like for me! No fucking idea! You try feeling like I do, with no DVDs, no car, no monye, with a brother who has a girlfriend while you're single and never having killed a girl!

Dave: ...kissed, right?

Parker: Yes, kissed! Not killed!

Andrew: Still very disconcerted right here.

Parker: OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM ALONE, AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE UPSET?

Andrew: What about joining a monastery? Have you considered that?

Parker: Oh, because you're so fucking happy! With your happy fucking perfect life when there are people like me, fucking struggling and not knowing what to do! YOU STUPID WHORE!!! I DON'T CARE ANY MORE! I WANT MY DVDS BACK! I WANT A GIRLFRIEND! YOU PEOPLE ARE FUCKING USELESS, GIVING ME USELESS FUCKING ADVICE! YOU CAN'T HELP ME!

Dave: Maybe a hobby would take your mind off things?

Andrew: Maybe you could take up knitting?

Nigel: Yeah. If all else failed, you could knit yourself a girlfriend.

Parker: TWITTER WON'T TELL ME HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND NOW! I WANT IT NOW!!!! I WANT A GIRLFRIEND NOW, I WANT A JOB NOW, I WANT TO DRIVE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DO YOU THINK IT FEELS TO BE ALL ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE TO LOVE YOU WHILE MY STUPID BROTHER HAS HIS GIRLFRIEND, A CAR, A PLACE AT UNI AND A JOB? HOW DO YOU THINK IT FEELS??

Dave: [shrugs] ...cliched?

Parker: IT IS NOT A FUCKING CLICHE!!! You don't have a clue about me, Dave! You don't know me! You have no idea what I have been going through!

[He turns and storms off through a door marked "STAFF ONLY".]

Dave: So... what do you think of my new boss?

Nigel: Well, he's better than the last one.

Andrew: Much more empathetic.

Dave: Yeah, the last one was just scary.

Music of Destruction II: This Time It's Personal

And breaking this dry spell is another music celebrating the end of The Time Lord (or whatever we call the Doctor Who inspired but fundamentally not Doctor Who as I definite years with Peter Capaldi). My ultimate aim is to create a RAGE-style music vid extravaganza of the whole era, assuming I can ever be arsed to. Twice Upon A Time's musical waveform is Shampoo's Trouble as a reference to Jodie Whitaker's prior music career in St. Trinian's. And if you haven't seen those movies, immediately get copies. Pay for them if you have to. Until then, never speak to me ever again.

*checks stable 0 comments across entire blog*

Well. Glad I made that clear.