The Fifth Doctor Collection
The Twelve Doctors of Christmas: At Five, Gold Rings (Steve Lake) reaches a state where style over substance is achieved. The plot, a half-arsed sequel to Inferno, contorts to make the title relevant and the Christmas angle barely consists of an afterthought but this plotless runaround is so damn fun - and evoking the excitable chaos of Christmas morning - it manages to be a triumph in spite of itself.
Far more festive is Adric's First Christmas (AbbyRomana) where the young Alzarian discovers the Doctor is one of Santa's helpers. It's a sweet idea, but the characters are all wrong, the continuity deranged (Adric has faced Daleks and Cybermen?) and the overall structure could use work. Still, points for effort.
Release (Simon Skupham) is interesting for seeing how the Season 19 crew would cope with the author's usual impenetrable format - certainly Tegan and Adric wouldn't mutely accept whatever the Doctor did - but it's still a rather awkward tale of a cult of space people (I think) wanting to remove a chest-burster like alien that they worship as a god from the chest from the unwitting host John Clarke (no relation) in a 21st Century hospital (I think). But the Doctor's quest to get involved is vague, contradictory and unclear whether he wants to stop it, make sure it happens or something else. He doesn't murder anyone for the greater good, but legging it and leaving a man to bleed out (albeit in a hospital trauma ward where he can be helped) does not sit right.
The same author provides Voyage of Discovery, an unusually easy-to-follow in media res story about attempted regicide on a train. The characters, motivations and plot are refreshingly straightforward but silly alien names turn the prose turgid ("The Prince stared down at Awlax's body, then he up at his assailant who held aloft a hunting knife associated with
the tribes of the Saqqal, used in a hunt to sliced through even the bones of the Ultap.") and again, it seems sympathetic original characters are difficult for Skupham to come up with. Still, the Doctor remains murder-free.
In what would be the first - but, surprisingly, not the last - alternate-Fifth-Doctor-continuity-with-Mary-Sue-new-companion-shagging Nyssa, Peter Jeremy supplies the first three installments of The Raven Series. Whether or not the titular cad was intended to leave at the end to preserve Season 19, we'll probably never know.
Things get off to a reasonably good start in Demon On Deonisia where the TARDIS crew encounter a deadly tree on a paradise planet and Raven woos Nyssa and impresses the Doctor by repeatedly bullying Adric. You'd think such abusive behavior would turn them against Raven but no. However, by the end of the next story Time Trap - wherein the Master's cunning plans end up with Raven and Nyssa forced to have sex at gunpoint by aliens, the lucky swines - doubts are starting to form. The unwitting finale, pseudo-historical Teardrops or the Rain, shows the Doctor, Tegan and Adric are now against our suave Raven which... presumably led to something. Maybe. All in all, if you like Nyssa being a glorified sex doll to be argued over, or think Season 19 needed a love triangle to add to its soap opera elements, this is well worth a read. Possibly.
The Hall of Memories (Mark Simpson) is a 1000-word take on the Doctor mourning for Adric and his other lost companions. Well, that's the idea. In actuality, it's a description of the Doctor maintaining a dozen creepy shrines like a serial killer in their basement. Thus this is hilariously bad rather than heart-breakingly poignant.
Firestorm (Mark Simpson) was later pitched to Big Finish with a more interesting plot than the one here. The Doctor and Nyssa are on holiday when a volcano erupts on their paradise island. They help the guest characters not be burned alive. The end. There's not much to complain about, or praise either. The only novelty is the plot revolves around a natural disaster with no returning villains or anything like that. Meh, as they say.
The Invasion that Never Was (Kaye Redhead) is another Dad's Army crossover because god knows we need these things. In this case, it's more than just a brief cameo but a vague attempt to prevent the alien Vusso from doing something naughty. Hence the name. Avoidable.
Heart of the Sun (Mark Simpson) picks up on the author's fetish for the Doctor helping his past selves deal with the simplest of problems, in this case Five and Nyssa help Two, Jamie and Zoe with a cruise ship flying into, oh, if only there were words to describe it that weren't in the title... More efforts put into the French Farce of two TARDIS crews bumping into each other than the main plot which is just Firestorm on a spaceship, come to think of it. I'm not saying this story has no merits, but certainly none spring to mind at the moment.
"Can Help Slimming..." (James Stewart) is simply Partners in Crime with the Fifth Doctor and Nyssa taking on the Adipose. A 1000-word challenge to use the most obscure of villains, you have to wonder who'd consider the Adipose villains in the first place. The scheme in PiC wasn't their usual tactics, you know! And given how little the Tenth knew of them, why does the Fifth realize everything from a single advert? Sheesh!
Tombs of Skeggria (Mark Simpson) is a generic and inoffensive Sontaran runaround as their hunt for the Rutans leads them to spoil an archaeological dig. The Doctor and Nyssa are poorly-written and crudely-characterized, suggesting this is one of Simpson's earlier works because he really is capable of much better than this.
Tarnished Future (Kaye Redhead) brings back the Great Intelligence, the Yeti and the Tomorrow People in this prequel to Downtime. It manages to cheapen all of these things with a complete lack of rhyme or reason, and is so utterly vacuous it leaves me in a black mood. Nothing in this story merited writing down, let alone reading.
Time's Edge: Prison of the Cybermen (Mark Simpson) and you know the deal. Thomas Brewster plus NuWho Silurians plus 80s Cyberman multiplied by the Silence and Older Amy from The Girl Who Waited (resurrected on the spurious excuse they needed a character to make up the numbers). The end result is a reasonably novel Cyber story that works better without the framing narrative. It doesn't really synch up with the relevant BF series, but that can only be counted as an improvement.
Lost And Forgotten (Steve Blair) is a simple snapshot of a tourist in Amsterdam remembering when he was first in the city as a little boy, who meets the Doctor and Nyssa. Yeah. That's it. Not terrible, by any means, but there's virtually nothing to it.
Long Ago (Sarah Taplin) is the inevitable Time-Crash-from-the-Fifth-Doctor's POV but sadly doesn't provide anything worth reading beyond that pitch. The Doctor whines to Nyssa and Tegan about looking fat and old when, um, he doesn't. And technically never will. Self-indulgent self-pity. Avoid.
Whom Gods Deploy (Guy Moon) is another 1000-word tale, a challenge written around an obscure line of dialogue (in this case "Not Nyssa, celery!") which turns into a quiet philosophical contemplating of the universe heart-to-hearts with the Doctor and Tegan. Better than you'd think.
Parts Per Million (Simon Skupham) intends to be a straightforward race against time for the Doctor to find a cure for a disease killing Tegan, but the ridiculous formatting problems with all the paragraphs blurring into each other even with different POVs render it borderline unreadable. Which is unfortunate, as it's the most uplifting and optimistic story he's done so far. No murder at all! Yay!
Memories (Mark Simpson) is presumably set before The Five Doctors as it has the Doctor getting all broody about Susan. It seems to be part of some "locked TARDIS room" trilogy including Hall of Memories and The Haunting, suggesting that most rooms in the time machine are haunted by the spirits of those were there. No wonder the Doctor keeps welding the doors shut...
The Legacy of Sutekh (Mark Simpson) is a straightforward semi-sequel to Pyramids of Mars as the titular buildings are explored by unsuspecting space archaeologists. Luckily, the TARDIS crew, fresh from The Five Doctors and with Kamelion-as-Nyssa, are here to save the day. It's functional and unsurprising, but the characters are of course perfectly captured and the end result is hard not to enjoy.
Borrowed Time (Nix Nada) is, without doubt, the best use of Kamelion in any form. No one before or since has tackled the character with anything like this intelligence or emotion. It's a short, concise glimpse into the shape-shifting android's mind, its wasted hopes and thwarted dreams, which in turn throws light on what the Doctor thinks of the silver C3PO and why they're friends. If any of these fictions deserved to have been part of the original TV series run, then it's this. I can't recommend it enough.
Shifting Sands (Simon Skupham) sees the Doctor, Tegan and Turlough recovering from Seabase 4 visiting the futuristic planet of Quandale in the 31st Century, enjoying its newfound freedom as the Earth Empire finally collapses. Except, of course, without the Empire's influence, the planet's economy will have to survive on its own. If you thought The Mutants would be better with less giant insects and more unemployment statistics, then this is your cup of tea. The ending is upbeat, if unsatisfying, but another bloodbath right after Warriors of the Deep would presumably have just been gratuitous, thankfully.
Sharing not only a similar name but the same author and TARDIS crew, The Sand Trap involves the Doctor helping a man called Durlag confront MechTech, an insurance company that seems to have gone evil and is kidnapping and killing people. Why? No idea. Nor do I understand how MechTech personnel can vanish and reappear at whim, how the Doctor can defeat them, if they are defeated... But there's a happy ending. Eventually. Somehow. Probably. Oh, if only these were ever given a second draft!
Protect and Survive (Steve Lake) continues the Decades series with fifties Cold War paranoia and a sinister English village where the locals are under the spell of something very insidious and not necessarily alien. Extended into two episodes gives the narrative and characters time to breathe, with some classic vitriol between Tegan and Turlough as they endure each other's company. It reminds me of The Awakening, in a good way.
Clones, Cricket & Cups of Tea (Kaye Redhead) turns the author's surreal, would-be comedic view on the shattering ending of Resurrection of the Daleks with those wacky wise-cracking middle-class eccentrics Dr. Who and Turlough quip about mass slaughter, Dalek carnage and of course have no feelings whatsoever about Tegan so when they bump into her Dalek duplicate, well, hey-ho-pip-and-dandy! In fairness, the actual idea behind the plot is good and there are some genuine funny lines from Turlough but for crying out loud, take some thing seriously Kaye!
Nine Lives: Passengers (Simon Skupham) is not much of an improvement on the previous installments, but at least Turlough's relationship with the Doctor post-Tegan gives a rationale to their presence. I'm none the wiser if this story is set on Earth, if we're meant to recognize the characters or be pleased or upset at their fates. Most notable is the Doctor's meta-commentary on how Skupham resolves his plots: "Some part of the Doctor's mind was quite cross with himself. He was
above this, he should be able to better deal with criminals than through
violence. But another part said - Let's have this!" Quite...
I was the resurrection (Chris Pollard) is an odd title for an odd story, with the Doctor writing a letter to Tegan to let her know how he and Turlough are getting on. Lots of points for originality, but it goes nowhere.
Playing God (Simon Skupham) would presumably be more accurately called Playing Gak, as the story is full of ridiculous and hard-to-remember-let-alone-take-serious names - Sakastal, Plazdak, Jenk, Antak, Scokan, all of them gun-toting zealots devoid of any distinguishing personality. Infuriatingly in media res with no interest in explaining how we got here, the Doctor attempts to act as the voice of reason to an anti-GM extremist group while Turlough keeps out of the way with some well-written cynicism. Alas, we're back to murder-and-running-away as the only way to resolve a plot, but given it's impossible to give a damn about any characters, is that a bad thing?
Land of Dreams (Kaye Redhead) starts off with a crossover with Allo Allo and then, inexplicably, gets worse. Given the author's fetid fetish for crossing over with every other franchise imaginable, suddenly bringing in the cast of Lexx as proof this is the Land of Fiction is bizarre. There's a clever ending, but by that point I hated the smug prose and comic characterization too much to care.
The Paradoxes of Time (Mark Simpson) is another of the author's story where a future Doctor needs to travel back to save his past self from having to actually be clever or resourceful. This time, when the Fifth Doctor and Peri accidentally leave the TARDIS to sink with the Titanic, the Seventh Doctor and Ace give them a lift. Sheesh! I might be more forgiving if there were any actual paradoxes in the plot...
Ring of Lies (Kenny Davidson) is a clever, characterful tale of a bitter man trying to change his own past by framing an innocent man for murder. Luckily, the Doctor and Peri are on the case. There's something reminiscent of Steven King about ordinary, petty Americans using nigh-supernatural powers for their own selfish desires, and the existential horror that follows. Thoroughly recommended!
Speedbird Concorde 002 (Mark Simpson) feels like clutching at straws for a plot, as the Doctor and the three pilots from Time-Flight celebrate the decommissioning of the ugly aircraft. Well, they bump into each other, exchange a few pleasantries and then wander off. The fact that Peri and Erimem don't actually appear during this story, set during their time in the TARDIS, robs us of any new perspective on the story. I imagine Erimem, for example, would want to know what the hell all that Kalid business was all about...
All That Jazz (Mark Simpson) sees the Doctor take Peri to wartime London to get Glen Miller's autograph. But if you're expecting this to be a celebration of that mysteriously-vanishing musician, be prepared to wade through a boring collage of the Gods of Ragnarok, the Brigadier's father, and the old use-jazz-music-to-defeat-the-enemies trick from Silver Nemesis. Pretenious but mercifully brief.
The Living Rock (Stephen Brill) is another tale by the visually-challenged writer as the Doctor and his not-seen-before-or-since companion Tara encounter a sentient mountain that turns people to stone. Um, points for effort, but this is really very poor in terms of consistency, coherence and plot.
Broken Dreams: Making Time (Daniel Iveson) is a nice quiet moment with the Fifth Doctor and an original character, but any connections with the ongoing series totally escape me. Maybe that's why Iveson gave up on the whole thing? It seems to be just random Doctors saying "Nice day, isn't it?" more often than not.
The Idol (Eric Bakke) is an oddly-structured tale of the Doctor and a hitherto unmentioned friend getting drunk and using the TARDIS to steal the statue of the title to try and ruin a religious practice of child-sacrifice. However, more effort is put on the Doctor's dislike for alcoholic beverages than the plot and it ends up confusing. The attempt to create a new regular companion is irritating as well.
The Haunting (Mark Simpson) is set just before The Caves of Androzani and explains the Doctor's doom-laden foreboding attitude in his final story. What? You mean the Doctor doesn't have a doom-laden foreboding attitude in his final story? But then that means this glorified jump-scare of Katarina, Sara Kingdom, Adric, Kamelion and the Watcher is a completely worthless waste of words! And you'd be right.
Finally, we get our second Mary-Sue-bonks-Nyssa ongoing saga that has far more effort and ambition than Raven getting his end away. Though things go a tad out of control towards the end when everything post-Time-Flight is overwritten with a BBC-Books style adventure of the Doctor on the run from Romana and the Time Lords without his TARDIS and a radically-changed companion to worry about. It stopped abruptly in its second potential season, which might signify the author realizing it wasn't working as a premise, lack of audience interest, or merely boring but its clear "Robbie Bainbridge" is the pet of Mark Ritchie and will linger as one of TimeLord Single Fiction's most notorious (or at least most-used) creations.
Who is Robbie anyway? Well, we're denied a meeting with the character, just dropped into the first story, Patterns of the Sky, where we find he's a slightly violent 21st Century comics geek who is held in high esteem by both the Doctor and Nyssa and also impervious to lethal weapons. No author wish fulfillment there, no sir. The first-person writing style is obviously just a coincidence.
No Lullaby gives us the now traditional gatecrash-historical-music-event (see Live at Birdland and All That Jazz) as Robbie's attempt to go on a date with Nyssa to see the Beatles is ruined by a generic alien invasion scout. We've all been there, buddy. All That Matters is a Black-Orchid-style 1930s murder mystery at a high society mansion but the hardest pill to swallow is the Doctor revealing he was taught English at a student as Oxford. Um... really? Oh, and Robbie gets his leg over Nyssa and has dreams that he's really a bloke called Prospero who's a space-age warlord, because he wasn't already special enough, poor dear.
A trip to Mars in Thunder Falling On Grass thankfully becomes a ham-fisted September 11 analogy, because at least it stops Robbie being clever-clever and constantly insisting Star Trek has better aliens than Doctor Who. Those oh-so-worthy rants about Bush and terrorism are at least less teeth-grindingly bathetic as having the Doctor huff that the Cybermen came before the Borg. Bhudda in a blender!
Robbie gets a bit more backstory in Just A Dream where we learn he's a British university student guitar-playing borderline-hipster loner whose best friend is a millionaire, and has irrefutably-correct opinions on everything from Terry Prachett on Desert Island Discs to Goodfellas and Jethro Tull. Even Bernard Quatermass thought he was awesome and wanted to hang! Mein gott, if only we were all as cool as Mark, I mean Robbie!
That aside, the story's very well done as Robbie is apparently abandoned on a desert island to go mad, thanks to the Ruin (memory parasites hard not to imagine as the Dream Crabs from Last Christmas) filling his mind with fantasies. Yeah, it's a total rip off of a certain DS9 episode - surprised Robbie doesn't complain about that, too - but it successfully undermines any confidence in what counts as "real" or "imagined" as Robbie's reasons for being with the Doctor aren't the ones they both remember. It's clever all right, but when your own Mary Sue critiques the format for being "like something out of a bad John Rackham novel", maybe it's a sign from the subconscious?
The Die Is Cast marks the point where Ritchie decides he doesn't need so-called canon in this story where 2004 might as well be 2084 with military spy satellites shooting at each other, secret agents and fake personas are rife, young men have their personality revised and even friendly generic Brigadier substitutes can't be trusted. Soon the Doctor's spouting about Faction Paradox and Pythia, oh and the Time Lords are on a war-footing. It seems to have taken five years, but suddenly BBC Books are suddenly being embraced in thought if not deed.
The first season ends with the not-at-all-pretentiously-entitled Light Out of the Darkness has the Doctor discover those dastardly Ruin have killed all the Time Lords and left a psychopathic Romana ruling a post-apocalyptic Gallifrey (and I do mean psychopathic, as Romana destroys the TARDIS, tries to kill the Doctor and then executes Leela and puts her head of a spike because shut up, that's why!). Meanwhile, Nyssa and Robbie are left on 31st Century Ganymede which just happens to be the site of a Cyberman war and Robbie is recruited to use his awesome psychic powers to fight the silver bastards! And Nyssa wants to marry him!And then he gets mindwiped and turned into a genocidal telepathic supersoldier destroying whole planets! He's like Ace Rimmer and Chuck Norris combined!
With talk of rewriting history more than once, and a cameo from the Seventh Doctor and Benny, it becomes a wait to see if mainstream continuity will ever be restored. Excommunication, however, simply is a letter written by the brain-damaged Robbie to his long-dead drug-dealing friend. Ex-communication, get it? No? Oh well. Next up is The Greater Good, doesn't add much more to the status quo except for Nyssa's understandable descent into alcoholism after all they've been through. The saga comes to an abrupt end in All The Day where it seems things have all gone a tad Firefly, as the Doctor, Nyssa and Robbie become gun-slinging space cowboys delivering sheep to desert planet and needing money. If this is all this has been aiming towards, the fact that the next story - Valentines - was never written can probably be notched down as a positive.
Sunday 29 April 2018
Saturday 21 April 2018
Single Fiction reviews (ii)
The Third Doctor Collection
Home From Home (Mark Simpson) kicks off with the newly-exiled Doctor facing a new and difficult life on Earth. But don't worry, the Seventh Doctor has popped back and given him absolutely everything he needs so there's no worries about having to be resourceful or clever. Only the characterization of the regulars redeems this.
Second Thoughts (Eric Bakke) is an unusually-serious vignette from this author, with the Doctor brooding over the events of Venusian Lullaby and The Silurians. Well, it isn't an obvious path to take, at least.
Nine Lives: Sacrifice (by Simon Skupham) is more mystery, mayhem and innocent bystanders being killed but don't expect it make a lick of sense or give any context to the previous installments.
In Remembrance of Times Future (Loretta Thessane) is another past-Doctor-dealing-with-the-Time-War story, as the Third Doctor and Liz pay respects to a grave dug by the Second Doctor to a nameless companion of the Eighth Doctor. Grim and somber, and fitting the mood of Season 7.
The Small Hours (Simon Skupham) is a heartwarming snapshot of an average night for the Season 7 regulars at UNIT HQ, showing them coping with alien invasions in the middle of the night.
Floating Danger (Richard Callaghan) is a bleak tale where the Doctor successfully goes back in time a few days before a child is killed by an alien and can only be nice to him before he meets his fate. The cruel apathy of the Time Lords has never been shown in such brutal contrast to the Doctor's compassion.
Broken Dreams: Wrong Decisions (Daniel Iveson) shows that Joanne is still not living her life properly and the Doctor has to sort out her foul-mouthed drug-abusing boyfriend. Yes, she was in a bad relationship, but surely she didn't need the Doctor to tell her that? Had it really never occurred to her? Sheesh!
Open Arms (Simon Skupham) has the Doctor sort out an alien visitation without anything bad happening. Putting the most patriarchal and patronizing of the Doctors up against the Drahvins and actually winning them over is both interesting and unexpected.
The Triumph of Axos (Mark Simpson) pretty much spoils its AU plot with the title. What would happen if the Doctor's plan wouldn't work? Well, it meant it failed, obviously. Ergo, Axos kills everyone and the Doctor mopes. Is there actually a point to this little hypothetical? No surprises here, except that it was written.
Look Before You Leap (Mark Simpson) is a Quantum Leap crossover. I can't see the appeal, as no one is aware of Sam Beckett's actions and he learns nothing from the experience. I don't understand why you'd write a story where nothing matters, nothing changes, and it might as well not happen. It makes The Triumph of Axos look like deep, thought-provoking drama.
You Know, But You Don't Know (Steve Lake) is a 1000-word conversation as the Doctor hunts down the Master who has been doing nice things of late. Is he really playing the long game? Or does he have a good side? The answer's obvious, but it mines potential untouched until the creation of Missy.
Melegium Mine (Simon Skupham) is a very dark take on the usual UNIT story where the Doctor cheerfully manipulates and murders people to ensure history runs to course and discoveries aren't made early. The Brigadier and Jo seem happy to go along with it as well, because it's all for the greater good. Disconcerting.
One Moment of Freedom (James Stewart) is exactly what it says on the tin, with the TARDIS managing to take the Doctor for a tour of the Solar System before returning to Earth. The rest is just an exploration of the Third Doctor's feelings for exile and contains little not said elsewhere.
Mother England Reverie (Mark Ritchie) has Jo recruit the Master to save the day when the Doctor is incapacitated. The regulars are all done to perfection, with Jo's fierce protectiveness of the Doctor and the Master's see-sawing trustworthiness proving plenty of tense moments. A satisfying change from the norm established so far.
The Indigo Parallel (Simon Skupham) is a thematic sequel to The Curse of Peladon, where the Doctor and Jo encounter some more warlike Ice Warriors about to invade a planet and try to reason with them instead of sending them all into the sun or somesuch. Neat, straightforward and frankly refreshing.
Mark Simpson provides another crossover in Quatermass and the Probe, so we can have the Third Doctor, Jo, Rachel Jenson, Gilmore and Quatermass deal with a forgettable crashed spaceship. If you're a fan of any of those characters, this is a waste of time. Frankly, a story about them all stuck in a lift together would be more interesting and use the characters more inventively. Unless you medically need an explanation for the Doctor recognizing Rachel in Remembrance of the Daleks, you can easily live without it.
Directly following is All That Glitters which has the long awaited Third Doctor/Cyberman conflict. To save the humans, the Doctor needs a carpenter - but don't get excited, he just needs some fake glitter guns to scare off the Cybermen. He has a couple of real ones from Future's End. That's the most interesting bit, really, is him finding some props from another story.
Interlude on the Plain of Stones, set between scenes in Planet of the Daleks, is just the Third Doctor telling a story of the First Doctor and Steven saving the Draconians from a space plague. So it's basically a cut down version of The Sensorites. It's a boring page-filler about an even more boring page-filler.
Quake (Jennifer McCoy-Yanta) is a straightforward tale of the Doctor and Jo helping out in the middle of a natural disaster. Nothing deep, but putting our heroes' money where their mouths are in an uncomplicated display of compassion and heroism worlds away from the cruelty of other stories in the collection.
Whiplash (Chris Pollard) is a short, witty and dark take on the Third Doctor and the Cybermen, an improvement on All That Glitters in every way. There's a nasty twist in the tale which gives our hero some righteous indignation and even allows us to pity the villains. This is the sort of thing fan fics should be striving for - a story with a point.
The Removal Men (Simon Skupham) is set on a future colony world where government paranoia is out of control and people are disappearing. A poorly-characterized Doctor and Jo save the day with hypnosis, lies, hitherto-unmentioned friends and the old "call the media to expose it all" shtick. The story is more interested with the "removals" than any actual plot.
Who do you think you are kidding (Mr Hitler)? (Paul Pollock) A so called "gentle crossover" which involves the home guard telling the Doctor to go away in his TARDIS. And he does. Meh.
Chased and Chaste (Sophie Jensen) has Iris Wildthyme wanting to bonk the Third Doctor and he's not keen. There, I just spared you reading the entire thing and you'll probably have a better opinion imagining what it's like.
Liberation (Mark Simpson) is the second Third Doctor/Drahvin tale but don't worry, it goes exactly for the sexist kinky-dominatrix line that Open Arms cunningly avoided. On their first TARDIS trip together, the Doctor lets the radical feminist Sarah Jane Smith face the strawwomen of the Drahvin, who are of course not only evil bigots but thicker than two short planks. It's headshakingly bad, but the Doctor and Sarah are well-drawn at least.
The Fringellians (Kaye Redhead) is a hard story to find on the website and were it not part of the Decades series, would probably never be found. It's a pity they didn't go further and delete it outright. Because whatever the author's shortcomings as a writer, this is unacceptable. The central idea, of the Doctor, Sarah, Jeremy and Chancellor Goth checking out 1930s Berlin Olympics, wouldn't be bad per se, but the sequence where Sarah flirts with Rudolf Hess to get the inside scoop on Hitler - a hero of hers and personal friend of the Doctor. This is no bluff, no altered history. Hitler is a great guy, a comedy German who'll do great things. Compared to this, the total failure to do a pure historical is small fry. Quite frightening.
The Twelve Doctors of Christmas: Free Frenchmen (Steve Lake) has the Doctor, Sarah, Brigadier and Jeremy arrive in occupied France fighting the SS on Christmas Eve. Easier to stomach than The Fringellians, even aside the Brigadier's casual racism, but the "Christmas war" theme is getting a bit thick in this series.
More WW2 antics in Time's Edge: The War Diaries of Sarah Jane Smith (Mark Simpson). This time the variables are, in no particular order, Strax, evil Sontarans, Nazis and first person narration. Some clear effort went into this tale, so it's a pity the end results don't appeal to me at all. The classic Doctors are coming across more and more as useless morons as they need assistance to solve the most basic of problems...
Just Another Day (Simon Skupham) is a refreshing break from his usual morbid efforts, with the Doctor and Sarah doing the rounds at a UNIT hospital on Christmas Day and giving something back to the red shirt cannon fodder. It is genuinely moving and sweet, and without doubt one of my favorite stories of the site.
Palm of the Hand, on the other hand, is another poorly-told tale of cruelty, exploitation and then the Doctor killing everyone to prove a point. Here it seems he and Sarah have been caught up in a Truman Show style fake world around unwitting actors, but it's never made clear why the pretense is being made, why they kill people, or even what the title is supposed to refer to.
Secrets (Mark Simpson) has the UNIT family throwing the Doctor a birthday. Another of the "better imagined than actually described" ideas Simpson tends to lock on, and really quite boring in execution.
A Second Chance at Life (Kaye Redhead) wants to be an uplifting tale of how the Doctor and Sarah showed a junkie prostitute a better way of living her life, which just so happens to involve joining UNIT, killing people, drinking lots of beer and having sex with strange men. The fact it claims it was "based on a true story" is really rather bizarre. So, um, in real life Benny and Roz were bridesmaids for a Mary Sue they never met?
The Five of Diamonds (Simon Skupham) is another bewildering and incoherent mess. The Doctor is reflecting on his life and paints a picture. Or maybe builds a sculpture. Or something else. The title refers to his companions, the Brigadier and the TARDIS but it doesn't help explain anything, or why everything is so bloody mysterious.
Don't Forget Me, Will You? (Bryan McCormack) is a missing scene from The Five Doctors as the Doctor and Sarah return home. The subject matter has been thoroughly explored before and since, but Sarah dealing with her "old" Doctor has some mileage in it. The TV script format is a novelty too.
The Fourth Doctor Collection
The Twelve Doctors of Christmas: Four Killing Birds (Steve Lake) sees four assassins trying to kill the Doctor, Sarah and Harry after their Skaro mission on behalf of shadowy, cigarette smoking paymasters. Not a bad story, but the link to Christmas is so tenuous as to be non-existent.
Tempus Fugit (Mark Simpson) is a crossover with The X-Files. For once, this isn't quite as gratuitous as it might be, as the Doctor and Harry facing off against American FBI agents has at least some potential. Bringing back the Delgado Master to tie things neatly up to Legacy of the Daleks, however, is fankwank to a degree you really should reconsider your life choices. The absence of Sarah is pretty rubbish too.
Peace of Cake (Steve Lake) is another one of my absolute favorite stories. It's a simple tale of the Doctor having a picnic on a sword-and-sorcery world that ends up becoming a peace conference between warlords and knights, while Sarah and Harry lark in the woods. I can't recommend it enough.
The Chain (Simon Skupham) is a shaggy dog story from Harry to his wife, and though initially impenetrable as the author's other works, ends happily and concisely for once.
Skupham also provides Flinch, a tale of UNIT being reduced to protecting a football team from death threats and the Doctor being - unsurprisingly - more interested with a man growing wings. Just as the plot, with the Doctor keeping UNIT and C19 off-balance about this new bewinged chap, gets going it ends. Was this meant to be the first of a series? Has half the story gone missing? God damn this is irritating.
Marching Orders (Steve Lake) makes the end of the UNIT era categorical as the Doctor and Sarah, disenfranchised by the now Brigadier-less organization, decide to quit. It's realistic and heartwarming as our heroes embrace full-time TARDIS travel and their friendship is beautifully portrayed.
Green Unpleasant Land (Simon Skupham) has the Doctor and Sarah face off a horticulture-obsessed maniac, but it's not the return of Harrison Chase but a king on an alien planet who's lunatic whims when it comes to what to grow and eat are causing chaos. It's a good idea for a story, but undermined by skipping over a lot of the drama and having the resolution involving - surprise surprise - the Doctor killing someone.
Kiss of Death (Eric Bakke) is a fun little sketch of Sarah trying to tactfully explain to the Doctor why they've both been locked up for trying to help. Not great fan fiction, but fun to read.
Decemberland (Simon Skupham) acknowledges its similarity to The Android Invasion before the setting of an alien-controlled picturesque English village becomes obvious, one of numerous idiotic mistakes that undermine what could be an interesting story. Skupham's fetish for grim everyone-dies endings and willful obtuseness is cranked up to eleven here, as the villain's motivation and comeuppance is revealed to the Doctor and Sarah but not to the reader. Why was he doing this? What killed him? How did the Doctor know? Should I just skip Skupham's stories from now on, given their disastrous success rate?
Eye of Orion (Mark Simpson) starts off with an interesting idea - the Doctor and Sarah discover titular holiday spot is being invaded by the BBV's Cyberons, and then learn folk are actually just filming a movie there. And that's where the good stuff ends. The same basic idea was explored beautifully in Scientific Advisor, whereas here we get a few mentions of the Doctor criticizing extras and plots of a B-movie, and then cut to a future Doctor forcing his companions to watch the film so they can boggle at "Dr. John Smith" being in the credits. Odd how it's easier to review terrible stories than good ones, isn't it?
The Zedwyex Crystal (Simon Skupham) does not boast a title that inspires confidence - ZYX? - but it's slightly more upbeat than usual, with the Doctor not committing coldblooded slaughter to resolve the plot simply by virtue of the plot resolving itself, very similarly to The Cross of Castell. Could've been worse.
Meet Me in St Louis (Terrence Keenan) is a return to acceptable quality for the Decades series, and this one focuses on the strife and trouble of the first interracial baseball team in the 1940s. The Doctor and Sarah relaxing at a baseball game, at least at the start, is a novel concept and the main plot is quite satisfying. The only downer is the cliche of learning a historical character changing their entire life after meeting the TARDIS crew. Does no one take responsibility for their actions any more?
What Goes Around (Nix Nada) is a bleak snapshot, sort of like River Song in a nutshell, as the Doctor encounters a woman from his future who dies for him, tainting their relationship when he finally sees her. It's clever and doesn't outstay its welcome, though.
Among Heroes (Terrence Keenan) is a surprisingly tasteful take on the September 11 tragedy, putting the Fourth Doctor as a bystander during the collapse of the twin towers. The story, like the Doctor, focuses on effect rather than cause, and how the people of New York selflessly went above and beyond to help however they could, the same spirit the Doctor has always shown at his best. A sober yet uplifting story.
Death-Stalker (Mark Simpson) is a refreshing break from fanwank vignettes and is an original story. Well, reasonably original, as while there are no returning characters it is a generic murder mystery on a spaceship for the Doctor and Leela to solve. It's functional but the attempt at a thought-provoking moral - "It could all have been prevented," the Doctor said. "If only those critics had been more kind in their views. They turned an ordinary young artist into a dangerous and vicious enemy." - is laughable. And if authors are driven into a killing frenzy by these reviews, I'll take my chances...
The Prize (Joseph Schofield) is the sweet idea of Leela winning a goldfish. Check it out.
Siren Call (Mark Simpson) has the Doctor and Leela ambushed by a fake distress signal by the Cybermen. Short and to the point, its focus is more on how the Doctor and Leela think of each other and their relationship rather than trying to tidy up a piddling bit of continuity of bring back an old monster. Leela's reaction to the Doctor's apparent conversion into a Cyberman and his heartwarming "last words" raise this high above the authors' previous works.
Murder on Mystery Island (Simon Skupham) bears more than a passing resemblance to Horror of Fang Rock, as the Doctor and Leela try to stop ignorant humans being slaughtered by unseen alien nasties. Dropped in media res, however, makes it impossible to care for the characters and, oh what a surprise, the Doctor once again saves the day with mass slaughter, burning his enemies to death one by one. Is everything all right at home, Mr. Skupham?
Both of Terrance Keenan's stories Bluesman and Live at Birdland focus on the Doctor's musical education of Leela with visits to John Lee Hooker and John Coltrane respectively. Written with love for the music, the men and the time travelers, these are great tales and well worth reading.
Two Tribes (Mark Simpson) is another "funny idea" that, mercifully, is too short to criticize and uses Leela to view modern society through new eyes.
The Compleat Angler (Terrence Keenan) is a plotless little character scene of the Doctor and Leela going fishing together. The characterization is perfect, the concept straightforward, and it's a winner. It seems something about the Fourth Doctor and Leela really brings out the best in writers.
Lust in Paradise (Garry Cobbum) is a 1000-word sight gag of someone ogling Leela while she's skinny dipping, and is both short and funny enough to get a pass. A good ending, worthy of remaining unspoiled.
A Little Knowledge... (Mark Simpson) shines a spotlight on the Doctor's actions and motives during The Invasion of Time and they are far from pleasant. The Seventh Doctor blackmails the Fourth into hypnotizing Leela into staying on Gallifrey and breaking Pythia's curse as stated in the NAs. While you could argue the Seventh Doctor's disinterest in his companion's freedom of choice, the fact the Fourth treats Leela so casually after all the stories the same author wrote establishing their friendship, leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.
Holiday Interrupted (Terrence Keenan) is a bizarre AU story where instead of Romana, the Doctor's new Time Lady companion is a CIA agent called Heather and also an unwitting spy for the Cybermen. An early fic writing attempt and rightly hounded by the author for its rubbishness, it is if nothing else an interesting demonstration of how a writer can improve after a dodgy start.
Time's Edge: The Bat People (Mark Simpson) is the same recipe with new ingredients of the Nest Cottage audios, NuWho Silurians, and Ridell and Nefertiti in cunning disguises. As nothing here appeals to me, I can't give an impartial review, but the same sodding rabbit from the same sodding hat is getting a tad predictable.
Gateway to the Stars (Nix Nada) is a crossover with Stargate SGI and although I have a fondness for that series, if I want Stargate fan fic then I will go looking for it. The Doctor merely replaces the "untrustworthy guest of the week" and given that SGI is, in effect, just another version of UNIT, means nothing comes of this.
Free Spirit (Mark Simpson) is another "oh, haha, wouldn't that be a fun idea?" crossover as the rebooted Randall and Hopkirk (deceased) meet the Fourth Doctor and mistake him for their own Tom Baker character. The story consists of that particular misunderstanding and no more. There really needs to be a moritorium on trying to turn an actor's CV into a fan fic.
Pensacola (Garry Cobbum) is a waste of 1000 words. The idea of the Doctor reuniting with Sarah post K9 and Company deserved better than this incoherent, tasteless and pointless skit. The title is appropriately meaningless.
Accidental Visitors (Stephen Brill) was transcribed via voice-recognition software, as the author is blind. As such the tale is mostly dialogue and seems inspired heavily by the TARDIS chase from The Invasion of Time. I've tried numerous times to read this story, but it's different to follow and the nonsensical return of a old enemy doesn't help. You read it, you'll probably be able to do it more justice than I can.
Fortunes of War (Kaye Redhead) makes a few crucial continuity errors, completely contradicting the Key to Time season as the TARDIS crashlands on Earth and the Doctor and Romana get involved in a Romeo and Juliet style plot that is not nearly as entertaining, relatable or even interesting as the author things. Skip it.
You Can't Never Go Home Again (Mark Ritchie) teeters on the edge of AU as the first Romana fulfills her plan to return to Gallifrey and deliver her thesis. A character study of the Time Lady and how much the search for the Key to Time has changed her and her view of the universe, its a far better swansong to the Mary Tamm incarnation than the next story. Recommended.
Death and the Rani (Mark Simpson) shows the uncanny insight that Siobhan Redmond would be an incarnation of the Rani, decades before Big Finish cast the Scottish redhead. Of course, there she played the incarnation after Kate O'Mara and here she plays the one before. But that's about the most interesting and exciting bit of this adventure, where the Rani tries to kill the Doctor, the Doctor kills the Rani, the Rani regenerates, Romana regenerates, the end. As in Season 6B, the mysteries of Time Lord regeneration can be perfectly tamed by a bottle of pills from the Gallifreyan chemist, and its availability allows the post-regen insanity as the author decrees, yay.
The Magnificent Convalescence (Simon Skupham) is set directly after Destiny of the Daleks so we can expect plenty of Adamesque wit and Williamseque humor, can't we? No, of course not, see who the author is! Instead the Doctor and Romana visit a space-age retirement home where pointless murders are being committed. And then the police sort it out all off-screen. At least the Doctor doesn't murder anyone in this story.
The Police Box in my Garden (by Terrance Keenan), as the name would imply, involves the Doctor and Romana dealing with the homeowner where the TARDIS has materialized. It's a simple encounter that causes the narrator to reappraise their life, and their description of Romana and the Doctor as an art student and her professor/lover is one of several moments that just click.
Excuses, Excuses (Steve Lake) is a fun take on a child explaining why he didn't finish his homework, thanks to getting caught up in the adventures of a certain Time Lord. A reminder of the time where everyone wanted to travel in time and space with the Doctor without any dark, edgy PSTD drama.
Indication of Fate (Kaye Redhead) ranks up the author's childish comedy writing with a crossover with The Tomorrow People. Having absolutely no interest in that franchise, nor finding it hilarious for the Doctor and Romana to make gags of that series, the only thing of note is the introduction of the Haxc - the TimeLord original monster that will make a few more appearances. Alas not only are the Haxc a rather uninteresting villain (they're xenophobic aliens who live only for war) the various writers can't decide whether the Haxc are giant koalas or giant kangaroos. When the characters themselves consider the plot resolution rubbish, you're in deep trouble.
Nine Lives: Blue Eyes (Simon Skupham) pitches the Season 17 crew into this mess, and though more direct and proactive, there's still no clear explanation what's happening, what's at stake or why anyone should care.
Patronising (Simon Skupham) is an unsurprisingly grim tale trying to explain the change from the feelgood Season 17 to the somber Season 18, as the Doctor and Romana visit a newly-crowned king trying to reverse his father's legislation. Alas, it's the usual TARDIS crew as helpless bystanders with plenty of violence and deliberately-unexplained plot details (just what did the Zalls do that was so bad yet Callum is unable to describe?). Joyless and cynical, in that order.
The Wall (Kaye Redhead) is a schizophrenic blend of surreal and unfunny silliness - witness the third member of the Vardan trio who is worried about over-baking some potatoes in their spare time - and grim psychological torment - as the Doctor's Season 17 silliness is revealed to be trauma-induced insanity from the mindwipe he received in The Invasion of Time. When the Doctor's memories are restored, it's the perfect explanation for his sudden dark broodiness throughout Season 18. This is a good story but very, very badly-told.
Degeneration (Simon Skupham) is set during the E-Space trilogy but that aside is now a Terry Nation style list of author-specific cliches - an alien planet that might as well be contemporary Earth, corrupt and selfish characters, criminal scams, gratuitous violence (Adric is thrown through a window when it's clear there's nothing he can add to the plot) and that never-gets-old climax of the Doctor murdering everyone because he can't think of a better solution, although it's actually treated as a bad thing for once. How novel.
Finally there is the bizarre miniseries of Sean Neuerburg's The Timeless Trio, four stories featuring the Season 18 Doctor, the NA version of Ace and Kroton the Cyberman with a Soul from DWM. Exactly how or why these three are traveling together is never explained, in or out of the fiction. They certainly don't bring out new and unexpected sides to their characters, and the Fourth Doctor already traveled with a sarcastic robot and an overly-violent young woman on TV. But central premise aside, the four stories are interesting and unusual - An Affair to Forget, is a Douglas-Adams style tale of a passenger liner falling into a sentient sun and the passengers trying to make the best of it; The Evolution Theory is a grim depiction of desperate scientists meddling with DNA on a dying planet; Kroton takes the lead in Sin of the Fathers as he infiltrates a Cyberman army to save his friends; and finally Again is a timey-wimey adventure where the time travelers interfere with the events of the first story, providing a neat end to the saga. We were promised more of The Timeless Trio but like so many of TimeLord's "franchises" it curled up and died, which is a pity given the clear talent of the writer.
Home From Home (Mark Simpson) kicks off with the newly-exiled Doctor facing a new and difficult life on Earth. But don't worry, the Seventh Doctor has popped back and given him absolutely everything he needs so there's no worries about having to be resourceful or clever. Only the characterization of the regulars redeems this.
Second Thoughts (Eric Bakke) is an unusually-serious vignette from this author, with the Doctor brooding over the events of Venusian Lullaby and The Silurians. Well, it isn't an obvious path to take, at least.
Nine Lives: Sacrifice (by Simon Skupham) is more mystery, mayhem and innocent bystanders being killed but don't expect it make a lick of sense or give any context to the previous installments.
In Remembrance of Times Future (Loretta Thessane) is another past-Doctor-dealing-with-the-Time-War story, as the Third Doctor and Liz pay respects to a grave dug by the Second Doctor to a nameless companion of the Eighth Doctor. Grim and somber, and fitting the mood of Season 7.
The Small Hours (Simon Skupham) is a heartwarming snapshot of an average night for the Season 7 regulars at UNIT HQ, showing them coping with alien invasions in the middle of the night.
Floating Danger (Richard Callaghan) is a bleak tale where the Doctor successfully goes back in time a few days before a child is killed by an alien and can only be nice to him before he meets his fate. The cruel apathy of the Time Lords has never been shown in such brutal contrast to the Doctor's compassion.
Broken Dreams: Wrong Decisions (Daniel Iveson) shows that Joanne is still not living her life properly and the Doctor has to sort out her foul-mouthed drug-abusing boyfriend. Yes, she was in a bad relationship, but surely she didn't need the Doctor to tell her that? Had it really never occurred to her? Sheesh!
Open Arms (Simon Skupham) has the Doctor sort out an alien visitation without anything bad happening. Putting the most patriarchal and patronizing of the Doctors up against the Drahvins and actually winning them over is both interesting and unexpected.
The Triumph of Axos (Mark Simpson) pretty much spoils its AU plot with the title. What would happen if the Doctor's plan wouldn't work? Well, it meant it failed, obviously. Ergo, Axos kills everyone and the Doctor mopes. Is there actually a point to this little hypothetical? No surprises here, except that it was written.
Look Before You Leap (Mark Simpson) is a Quantum Leap crossover. I can't see the appeal, as no one is aware of Sam Beckett's actions and he learns nothing from the experience. I don't understand why you'd write a story where nothing matters, nothing changes, and it might as well not happen. It makes The Triumph of Axos look like deep, thought-provoking drama.
You Know, But You Don't Know (Steve Lake) is a 1000-word conversation as the Doctor hunts down the Master who has been doing nice things of late. Is he really playing the long game? Or does he have a good side? The answer's obvious, but it mines potential untouched until the creation of Missy.
Melegium Mine (Simon Skupham) is a very dark take on the usual UNIT story where the Doctor cheerfully manipulates and murders people to ensure history runs to course and discoveries aren't made early. The Brigadier and Jo seem happy to go along with it as well, because it's all for the greater good. Disconcerting.
One Moment of Freedom (James Stewart) is exactly what it says on the tin, with the TARDIS managing to take the Doctor for a tour of the Solar System before returning to Earth. The rest is just an exploration of the Third Doctor's feelings for exile and contains little not said elsewhere.
Mother England Reverie (Mark Ritchie) has Jo recruit the Master to save the day when the Doctor is incapacitated. The regulars are all done to perfection, with Jo's fierce protectiveness of the Doctor and the Master's see-sawing trustworthiness proving plenty of tense moments. A satisfying change from the norm established so far.
The Indigo Parallel (Simon Skupham) is a thematic sequel to The Curse of Peladon, where the Doctor and Jo encounter some more warlike Ice Warriors about to invade a planet and try to reason with them instead of sending them all into the sun or somesuch. Neat, straightforward and frankly refreshing.
Mark Simpson provides another crossover in Quatermass and the Probe, so we can have the Third Doctor, Jo, Rachel Jenson, Gilmore and Quatermass deal with a forgettable crashed spaceship. If you're a fan of any of those characters, this is a waste of time. Frankly, a story about them all stuck in a lift together would be more interesting and use the characters more inventively. Unless you medically need an explanation for the Doctor recognizing Rachel in Remembrance of the Daleks, you can easily live without it.
Directly following is All That Glitters which has the long awaited Third Doctor/Cyberman conflict. To save the humans, the Doctor needs a carpenter - but don't get excited, he just needs some fake glitter guns to scare off the Cybermen. He has a couple of real ones from Future's End. That's the most interesting bit, really, is him finding some props from another story.
Interlude on the Plain of Stones, set between scenes in Planet of the Daleks, is just the Third Doctor telling a story of the First Doctor and Steven saving the Draconians from a space plague. So it's basically a cut down version of The Sensorites. It's a boring page-filler about an even more boring page-filler.
Quake (Jennifer McCoy-Yanta) is a straightforward tale of the Doctor and Jo helping out in the middle of a natural disaster. Nothing deep, but putting our heroes' money where their mouths are in an uncomplicated display of compassion and heroism worlds away from the cruelty of other stories in the collection.
Whiplash (Chris Pollard) is a short, witty and dark take on the Third Doctor and the Cybermen, an improvement on All That Glitters in every way. There's a nasty twist in the tale which gives our hero some righteous indignation and even allows us to pity the villains. This is the sort of thing fan fics should be striving for - a story with a point.
The Removal Men (Simon Skupham) is set on a future colony world where government paranoia is out of control and people are disappearing. A poorly-characterized Doctor and Jo save the day with hypnosis, lies, hitherto-unmentioned friends and the old "call the media to expose it all" shtick. The story is more interested with the "removals" than any actual plot.
Who do you think you are kidding (Mr Hitler)? (Paul Pollock) A so called "gentle crossover" which involves the home guard telling the Doctor to go away in his TARDIS. And he does. Meh.
Chased and Chaste (Sophie Jensen) has Iris Wildthyme wanting to bonk the Third Doctor and he's not keen. There, I just spared you reading the entire thing and you'll probably have a better opinion imagining what it's like.
Liberation (Mark Simpson) is the second Third Doctor/Drahvin tale but don't worry, it goes exactly for the sexist kinky-dominatrix line that Open Arms cunningly avoided. On their first TARDIS trip together, the Doctor lets the radical feminist Sarah Jane Smith face the strawwomen of the Drahvin, who are of course not only evil bigots but thicker than two short planks. It's headshakingly bad, but the Doctor and Sarah are well-drawn at least.
The Fringellians (Kaye Redhead) is a hard story to find on the website and were it not part of the Decades series, would probably never be found. It's a pity they didn't go further and delete it outright. Because whatever the author's shortcomings as a writer, this is unacceptable. The central idea, of the Doctor, Sarah, Jeremy and Chancellor Goth checking out 1930s Berlin Olympics, wouldn't be bad per se, but the sequence where Sarah flirts with Rudolf Hess to get the inside scoop on Hitler - a hero of hers and personal friend of the Doctor. This is no bluff, no altered history. Hitler is a great guy, a comedy German who'll do great things. Compared to this, the total failure to do a pure historical is small fry. Quite frightening.
The Twelve Doctors of Christmas: Free Frenchmen (Steve Lake) has the Doctor, Sarah, Brigadier and Jeremy arrive in occupied France fighting the SS on Christmas Eve. Easier to stomach than The Fringellians, even aside the Brigadier's casual racism, but the "Christmas war" theme is getting a bit thick in this series.
More WW2 antics in Time's Edge: The War Diaries of Sarah Jane Smith (Mark Simpson). This time the variables are, in no particular order, Strax, evil Sontarans, Nazis and first person narration. Some clear effort went into this tale, so it's a pity the end results don't appeal to me at all. The classic Doctors are coming across more and more as useless morons as they need assistance to solve the most basic of problems...
Just Another Day (Simon Skupham) is a refreshing break from his usual morbid efforts, with the Doctor and Sarah doing the rounds at a UNIT hospital on Christmas Day and giving something back to the red shirt cannon fodder. It is genuinely moving and sweet, and without doubt one of my favorite stories of the site.
Palm of the Hand, on the other hand, is another poorly-told tale of cruelty, exploitation and then the Doctor killing everyone to prove a point. Here it seems he and Sarah have been caught up in a Truman Show style fake world around unwitting actors, but it's never made clear why the pretense is being made, why they kill people, or even what the title is supposed to refer to.
Secrets (Mark Simpson) has the UNIT family throwing the Doctor a birthday. Another of the "better imagined than actually described" ideas Simpson tends to lock on, and really quite boring in execution.
A Second Chance at Life (Kaye Redhead) wants to be an uplifting tale of how the Doctor and Sarah showed a junkie prostitute a better way of living her life, which just so happens to involve joining UNIT, killing people, drinking lots of beer and having sex with strange men. The fact it claims it was "based on a true story" is really rather bizarre. So, um, in real life Benny and Roz were bridesmaids for a Mary Sue they never met?
The Five of Diamonds (Simon Skupham) is another bewildering and incoherent mess. The Doctor is reflecting on his life and paints a picture. Or maybe builds a sculpture. Or something else. The title refers to his companions, the Brigadier and the TARDIS but it doesn't help explain anything, or why everything is so bloody mysterious.
Don't Forget Me, Will You? (Bryan McCormack) is a missing scene from The Five Doctors as the Doctor and Sarah return home. The subject matter has been thoroughly explored before and since, but Sarah dealing with her "old" Doctor has some mileage in it. The TV script format is a novelty too.
The Fourth Doctor Collection
The Twelve Doctors of Christmas: Four Killing Birds (Steve Lake) sees four assassins trying to kill the Doctor, Sarah and Harry after their Skaro mission on behalf of shadowy, cigarette smoking paymasters. Not a bad story, but the link to Christmas is so tenuous as to be non-existent.
Tempus Fugit (Mark Simpson) is a crossover with The X-Files. For once, this isn't quite as gratuitous as it might be, as the Doctor and Harry facing off against American FBI agents has at least some potential. Bringing back the Delgado Master to tie things neatly up to Legacy of the Daleks, however, is fankwank to a degree you really should reconsider your life choices. The absence of Sarah is pretty rubbish too.
Peace of Cake (Steve Lake) is another one of my absolute favorite stories. It's a simple tale of the Doctor having a picnic on a sword-and-sorcery world that ends up becoming a peace conference between warlords and knights, while Sarah and Harry lark in the woods. I can't recommend it enough.
The Chain (Simon Skupham) is a shaggy dog story from Harry to his wife, and though initially impenetrable as the author's other works, ends happily and concisely for once.
Skupham also provides Flinch, a tale of UNIT being reduced to protecting a football team from death threats and the Doctor being - unsurprisingly - more interested with a man growing wings. Just as the plot, with the Doctor keeping UNIT and C19 off-balance about this new bewinged chap, gets going it ends. Was this meant to be the first of a series? Has half the story gone missing? God damn this is irritating.
Marching Orders (Steve Lake) makes the end of the UNIT era categorical as the Doctor and Sarah, disenfranchised by the now Brigadier-less organization, decide to quit. It's realistic and heartwarming as our heroes embrace full-time TARDIS travel and their friendship is beautifully portrayed.
Green Unpleasant Land (Simon Skupham) has the Doctor and Sarah face off a horticulture-obsessed maniac, but it's not the return of Harrison Chase but a king on an alien planet who's lunatic whims when it comes to what to grow and eat are causing chaos. It's a good idea for a story, but undermined by skipping over a lot of the drama and having the resolution involving - surprise surprise - the Doctor killing someone.
Kiss of Death (Eric Bakke) is a fun little sketch of Sarah trying to tactfully explain to the Doctor why they've both been locked up for trying to help. Not great fan fiction, but fun to read.
Decemberland (Simon Skupham) acknowledges its similarity to The Android Invasion before the setting of an alien-controlled picturesque English village becomes obvious, one of numerous idiotic mistakes that undermine what could be an interesting story. Skupham's fetish for grim everyone-dies endings and willful obtuseness is cranked up to eleven here, as the villain's motivation and comeuppance is revealed to the Doctor and Sarah but not to the reader. Why was he doing this? What killed him? How did the Doctor know? Should I just skip Skupham's stories from now on, given their disastrous success rate?
Eye of Orion (Mark Simpson) starts off with an interesting idea - the Doctor and Sarah discover titular holiday spot is being invaded by the BBV's Cyberons, and then learn folk are actually just filming a movie there. And that's where the good stuff ends. The same basic idea was explored beautifully in Scientific Advisor, whereas here we get a few mentions of the Doctor criticizing extras and plots of a B-movie, and then cut to a future Doctor forcing his companions to watch the film so they can boggle at "Dr. John Smith" being in the credits. Odd how it's easier to review terrible stories than good ones, isn't it?
The Zedwyex Crystal (Simon Skupham) does not boast a title that inspires confidence - ZYX? - but it's slightly more upbeat than usual, with the Doctor not committing coldblooded slaughter to resolve the plot simply by virtue of the plot resolving itself, very similarly to The Cross of Castell. Could've been worse.
Meet Me in St Louis (Terrence Keenan) is a return to acceptable quality for the Decades series, and this one focuses on the strife and trouble of the first interracial baseball team in the 1940s. The Doctor and Sarah relaxing at a baseball game, at least at the start, is a novel concept and the main plot is quite satisfying. The only downer is the cliche of learning a historical character changing their entire life after meeting the TARDIS crew. Does no one take responsibility for their actions any more?
What Goes Around (Nix Nada) is a bleak snapshot, sort of like River Song in a nutshell, as the Doctor encounters a woman from his future who dies for him, tainting their relationship when he finally sees her. It's clever and doesn't outstay its welcome, though.
Among Heroes (Terrence Keenan) is a surprisingly tasteful take on the September 11 tragedy, putting the Fourth Doctor as a bystander during the collapse of the twin towers. The story, like the Doctor, focuses on effect rather than cause, and how the people of New York selflessly went above and beyond to help however they could, the same spirit the Doctor has always shown at his best. A sober yet uplifting story.
Death-Stalker (Mark Simpson) is a refreshing break from fanwank vignettes and is an original story. Well, reasonably original, as while there are no returning characters it is a generic murder mystery on a spaceship for the Doctor and Leela to solve. It's functional but the attempt at a thought-provoking moral - "It could all have been prevented," the Doctor said. "If only those critics had been more kind in their views. They turned an ordinary young artist into a dangerous and vicious enemy." - is laughable. And if authors are driven into a killing frenzy by these reviews, I'll take my chances...
The Prize (Joseph Schofield) is the sweet idea of Leela winning a goldfish. Check it out.
Siren Call (Mark Simpson) has the Doctor and Leela ambushed by a fake distress signal by the Cybermen. Short and to the point, its focus is more on how the Doctor and Leela think of each other and their relationship rather than trying to tidy up a piddling bit of continuity of bring back an old monster. Leela's reaction to the Doctor's apparent conversion into a Cyberman and his heartwarming "last words" raise this high above the authors' previous works.
Murder on Mystery Island (Simon Skupham) bears more than a passing resemblance to Horror of Fang Rock, as the Doctor and Leela try to stop ignorant humans being slaughtered by unseen alien nasties. Dropped in media res, however, makes it impossible to care for the characters and, oh what a surprise, the Doctor once again saves the day with mass slaughter, burning his enemies to death one by one. Is everything all right at home, Mr. Skupham?
Both of Terrance Keenan's stories Bluesman and Live at Birdland focus on the Doctor's musical education of Leela with visits to John Lee Hooker and John Coltrane respectively. Written with love for the music, the men and the time travelers, these are great tales and well worth reading.
Two Tribes (Mark Simpson) is another "funny idea" that, mercifully, is too short to criticize and uses Leela to view modern society through new eyes.
The Compleat Angler (Terrence Keenan) is a plotless little character scene of the Doctor and Leela going fishing together. The characterization is perfect, the concept straightforward, and it's a winner. It seems something about the Fourth Doctor and Leela really brings out the best in writers.
Lust in Paradise (Garry Cobbum) is a 1000-word sight gag of someone ogling Leela while she's skinny dipping, and is both short and funny enough to get a pass. A good ending, worthy of remaining unspoiled.
A Little Knowledge... (Mark Simpson) shines a spotlight on the Doctor's actions and motives during The Invasion of Time and they are far from pleasant. The Seventh Doctor blackmails the Fourth into hypnotizing Leela into staying on Gallifrey and breaking Pythia's curse as stated in the NAs. While you could argue the Seventh Doctor's disinterest in his companion's freedom of choice, the fact the Fourth treats Leela so casually after all the stories the same author wrote establishing their friendship, leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.
Holiday Interrupted (Terrence Keenan) is a bizarre AU story where instead of Romana, the Doctor's new Time Lady companion is a CIA agent called Heather and also an unwitting spy for the Cybermen. An early fic writing attempt and rightly hounded by the author for its rubbishness, it is if nothing else an interesting demonstration of how a writer can improve after a dodgy start.
Time's Edge: The Bat People (Mark Simpson) is the same recipe with new ingredients of the Nest Cottage audios, NuWho Silurians, and Ridell and Nefertiti in cunning disguises. As nothing here appeals to me, I can't give an impartial review, but the same sodding rabbit from the same sodding hat is getting a tad predictable.
Gateway to the Stars (Nix Nada) is a crossover with Stargate SGI and although I have a fondness for that series, if I want Stargate fan fic then I will go looking for it. The Doctor merely replaces the "untrustworthy guest of the week" and given that SGI is, in effect, just another version of UNIT, means nothing comes of this.
Free Spirit (Mark Simpson) is another "oh, haha, wouldn't that be a fun idea?" crossover as the rebooted Randall and Hopkirk (deceased) meet the Fourth Doctor and mistake him for their own Tom Baker character. The story consists of that particular misunderstanding and no more. There really needs to be a moritorium on trying to turn an actor's CV into a fan fic.
Pensacola (Garry Cobbum) is a waste of 1000 words. The idea of the Doctor reuniting with Sarah post K9 and Company deserved better than this incoherent, tasteless and pointless skit. The title is appropriately meaningless.
Accidental Visitors (Stephen Brill) was transcribed via voice-recognition software, as the author is blind. As such the tale is mostly dialogue and seems inspired heavily by the TARDIS chase from The Invasion of Time. I've tried numerous times to read this story, but it's different to follow and the nonsensical return of a old enemy doesn't help. You read it, you'll probably be able to do it more justice than I can.
Fortunes of War (Kaye Redhead) makes a few crucial continuity errors, completely contradicting the Key to Time season as the TARDIS crashlands on Earth and the Doctor and Romana get involved in a Romeo and Juliet style plot that is not nearly as entertaining, relatable or even interesting as the author things. Skip it.
You Can't Never Go Home Again (Mark Ritchie) teeters on the edge of AU as the first Romana fulfills her plan to return to Gallifrey and deliver her thesis. A character study of the Time Lady and how much the search for the Key to Time has changed her and her view of the universe, its a far better swansong to the Mary Tamm incarnation than the next story. Recommended.
Death and the Rani (Mark Simpson) shows the uncanny insight that Siobhan Redmond would be an incarnation of the Rani, decades before Big Finish cast the Scottish redhead. Of course, there she played the incarnation after Kate O'Mara and here she plays the one before. But that's about the most interesting and exciting bit of this adventure, where the Rani tries to kill the Doctor, the Doctor kills the Rani, the Rani regenerates, Romana regenerates, the end. As in Season 6B, the mysteries of Time Lord regeneration can be perfectly tamed by a bottle of pills from the Gallifreyan chemist, and its availability allows the post-regen insanity as the author decrees, yay.
The Magnificent Convalescence (Simon Skupham) is set directly after Destiny of the Daleks so we can expect plenty of Adamesque wit and Williamseque humor, can't we? No, of course not, see who the author is! Instead the Doctor and Romana visit a space-age retirement home where pointless murders are being committed. And then the police sort it out all off-screen. At least the Doctor doesn't murder anyone in this story.
The Police Box in my Garden (by Terrance Keenan), as the name would imply, involves the Doctor and Romana dealing with the homeowner where the TARDIS has materialized. It's a simple encounter that causes the narrator to reappraise their life, and their description of Romana and the Doctor as an art student and her professor/lover is one of several moments that just click.
Excuses, Excuses (Steve Lake) is a fun take on a child explaining why he didn't finish his homework, thanks to getting caught up in the adventures of a certain Time Lord. A reminder of the time where everyone wanted to travel in time and space with the Doctor without any dark, edgy PSTD drama.
Indication of Fate (Kaye Redhead) ranks up the author's childish comedy writing with a crossover with The Tomorrow People. Having absolutely no interest in that franchise, nor finding it hilarious for the Doctor and Romana to make gags of that series, the only thing of note is the introduction of the Haxc - the TimeLord original monster that will make a few more appearances. Alas not only are the Haxc a rather uninteresting villain (they're xenophobic aliens who live only for war) the various writers can't decide whether the Haxc are giant koalas or giant kangaroos. When the characters themselves consider the plot resolution rubbish, you're in deep trouble.
Nine Lives: Blue Eyes (Simon Skupham) pitches the Season 17 crew into this mess, and though more direct and proactive, there's still no clear explanation what's happening, what's at stake or why anyone should care.
Patronising (Simon Skupham) is an unsurprisingly grim tale trying to explain the change from the feelgood Season 17 to the somber Season 18, as the Doctor and Romana visit a newly-crowned king trying to reverse his father's legislation. Alas, it's the usual TARDIS crew as helpless bystanders with plenty of violence and deliberately-unexplained plot details (just what did the Zalls do that was so bad yet Callum is unable to describe?). Joyless and cynical, in that order.
The Wall (Kaye Redhead) is a schizophrenic blend of surreal and unfunny silliness - witness the third member of the Vardan trio who is worried about over-baking some potatoes in their spare time - and grim psychological torment - as the Doctor's Season 17 silliness is revealed to be trauma-induced insanity from the mindwipe he received in The Invasion of Time. When the Doctor's memories are restored, it's the perfect explanation for his sudden dark broodiness throughout Season 18. This is a good story but very, very badly-told.
Degeneration (Simon Skupham) is set during the E-Space trilogy but that aside is now a Terry Nation style list of author-specific cliches - an alien planet that might as well be contemporary Earth, corrupt and selfish characters, criminal scams, gratuitous violence (Adric is thrown through a window when it's clear there's nothing he can add to the plot) and that never-gets-old climax of the Doctor murdering everyone because he can't think of a better solution, although it's actually treated as a bad thing for once. How novel.
Finally there is the bizarre miniseries of Sean Neuerburg's The Timeless Trio, four stories featuring the Season 18 Doctor, the NA version of Ace and Kroton the Cyberman with a Soul from DWM. Exactly how or why these three are traveling together is never explained, in or out of the fiction. They certainly don't bring out new and unexpected sides to their characters, and the Fourth Doctor already traveled with a sarcastic robot and an overly-violent young woman on TV. But central premise aside, the four stories are interesting and unusual - An Affair to Forget, is a Douglas-Adams style tale of a passenger liner falling into a sentient sun and the passengers trying to make the best of it; The Evolution Theory is a grim depiction of desperate scientists meddling with DNA on a dying planet; Kroton takes the lead in Sin of the Fathers as he infiltrates a Cyberman army to save his friends; and finally Again is a timey-wimey adventure where the time travelers interfere with the events of the first story, providing a neat end to the saga. We were promised more of The Timeless Trio but like so many of TimeLord's "franchises" it curled up and died, which is a pity given the clear talent of the writer.
Friday 20 April 2018
Single Fiction reviews (i)
TimeLord Single Fiction is an archive of short stories, so named as to differentiate them from Random Fiction (round robin stories with each chapter by someone else). Set up in the late 90s, archived, lost, partially recovered and then lost again, it's never been reviewed. All these stories can be found either here or here, but since all the writers have seemingly abandoned their interest in Doctor Who, a definitive review can at last be made. There may be a few spoilers, but then, aren't there always?
The First Doctor Collection
Before the Doctor (James Stewart) looks at Theta Sigma's teenage years where he was a wisecracking desk jockey with a lame old-fashioned boss and a perpetually-horny girlfriend in the Rani. Is this meant to be a parody of some American focus group take on the series? Mercifully brief and thankfully the only installment of "Young Dr. Who".
The Doctor's past is further explored in another abortive saga, Between Hello & Goodbye (AbbyRomana) in a short vignette of him seeing his newborn granddaughter for the first time. Cute if nothing else.
Universal Constant (Nix Nada) is a charming bit of confusion as the First Doctor and Susan steal the TARDIS which has been left behind by a future Doctor returning to Gallifrey to retire. No, it doesn't make sense, but it's quick and fun and compelling.
The Ninth Doctor, reeling from the Time War, visits the First Doctor for advice in James Stewart's Homeless. Neither incarnation is in character, and even aside from the narcissism of turning to your younger self for a pep talk, the First Doctor's advice is basically "You need to get laid." The efforts to be deep and meaningful fail utterly.
Broken Dreams (Daniel Iveson) is a more convincing portrayal of the First Doctor and Susan, with them breaking their low profile to help a suicidal teenage girl. Yet another short-lived series, but at least it gets past the first episode with the original character Joanne encountering other Doctors.
Train of Thought (Loretta Thessane) is a confusing tale that seems better suited to a modern Doctor, given he is helping out Time War refugees. In this case, the 1000-word limit is hampering the point.
Finally, we get a multi-part saga that's actually finished in Mark Simpson's Prelude. The blunt, straightforward name suits this absolutely unsurprising straightforward by-the-numbers tale of the TARDIS arriving in 1963 and the lead up to the very first episode. Susan spots some school children and decides to visit a school. The Doctor hears the phrase "bury your problems" and so hides the Hand of Omega. Old Man Steptoe turns up to handily give the Doctor the means to take over Foreman's scrapyard.
The first five chapters lead up to An Unearthly Child. The sixth features the amnesiac Eighth Doctor and John Lennon teaming up (because of course they do) to scour Coal Hill School for the clues to his true identity, but are just a few seconds too late. It's even stupider as it sounds because this implies the Doctor's entire stuck-on-Earth arc was one giant French farce with him constantly missing himself; if it wasn't, he would have been involved in the last two stories which tie into Remembrance of the Daleks. Functional, but with slightly more effort put into it.
Notes From Oblivion (Magnus Greel) is yet another opening salvo of a saga that goes nowhere, in this case a deliberate rewriting of history as we see the twin stories of An Unearthly Child and Remembrance of the Daleks leading to the First Doctor kidnapping Ian and Barbara as the Hand of Omega destroys the Earth. Well written and apocalyptic, it's a pity it ends up such a non-sequitur.
Marco Polo Mint (Cliff Chapman) is an infantile comedy skit suggesting Ping-Cho was a pokemon. Oh my sides.
Time Travelling with Dinosaurs (Kaye Redhead) is poorly-written, badly-characterized, plotless and irritating. The TARDIS gets eaten by a dinosaur, and our heroes have to dig their way out of a pile of thunder lizard dung - except for Barbara, who has become a jungle warrior killing raptors! Laugh? I nearly took out a hit on the author.
The Eve of Revolution (Ed Sherrouse) is a pure historical as the TARDIS crew arrive in Russia at the titular time and get involved in a palace intrigue with kidnaps and betrays and an incredibly dull and uninteresting Rasputin. Somehow this manages to be worse than other DW takes on the period, despite the lack of pretension. This is the first in the Decades series, which lasted longer than most other of these multi-Doctor sagas.
In Memory (Loretta Thessane) sees the Doctor and Barbara bonding further following Susan's departure, in a short tale known as a millestone - like a drabble only ten times as long. Obvious but enjoyable.
Monsoon Bay (Simon Skupham) is a vague sneeze of a tale as the Doctor and Barbara worry that the TARDIS has been washed away and Ian has drowned. It's barely a spoiler to say they aren't, but it's notable for the portrayal of the First Doctor as more Matt Smith than William Hartnell, impressive given it was written in the 90s...
The Old Rugged Cross by the same author has slightly more of a plot, but is very grim and cryptic with a demonic entity killing 20th Century hikers before, um, accidentally killing itself. The TARDIS crew are convincingly rattled by the encounter, but so much is left unclear and unspoken it's borderline irrelevant.
Roman Holiday (Mark Simpson) revolves around finding Ian and Barbara's anachronisms endearing. It's not too much of an ask, but if you're not in the mood to go "Awww" you're better off skipping it.
At last, a multi-Doctor saga starts with an actual ending on the horizon, but it was a pity it was Simon Skupham's bewilderingly uninteresting Nine Lives. In the first episode, Rocket Man, the TARDIS crew hang around the funeral of someone somewhere doing something important for some reason. There are no answers, no motivations, not even a clear of any plot. If you come out of this giving a damn about the next installment, you're cleverer than I am.
Step Back in Time (Mark Simpson) feels like another anecdote the TARDIS crew might tell, but certainly isn't worth more than a few lines. After watching Tony Robinson's Time Team dig away at a ruined abbey, the time travelers accidentally go back in time and see it before it was ruined. That's it. Big deal.
Edward (Loretta Thessane) is a bewilderingly pointless tale of the Meddling Monk altering events of The Chase so that Ian is killed. He does this by tricking the TARDIS crew into taking in the titular stray cat. Why these idiots insisted on taking a cat with them to fight Daleks and Mechanoids is never explained, or why the Monk wants Ian dead or why the hell anyone would be interested in the story to start with.
Stowaway in Space (Jason Cook) is another abandoned project, with an annoying and curiously-ugly nine year old boy deciding to join the TARDIS crew without their knowledge or permission at the end of an unseen adventure. Given we have no idea who the titular stowaway is or any idea how he relates to the Doctor, Vicki and Steven, it almost feels like a postmodern take on Mary Sues. Or maybe it's just crap.
Set in Stone is an installment in Mark Simpson's Time's Edge 50th Anniversary saga. Thus it fits the format of audio line up meets new series villains thanks to the Silence and then a disguised new series ally turns up and saves the day. On this occasion it's the Doctor, Steven and Oliver meeting the Weeping Angels thanks to the Silence and then a disguised River Song saves the day. Don't expect much excitement, adventure or even novelty.
A Close Call (Simon Skupham) is a lighthearted pure historical where the Doctor and Steven avoid bloodshed by humiliating their own allies, but is probably a bit too short to really appreciate. It feels like the punchline to a Family Guy style cutaway, but makes a nice change from the morbid period.
The same team and the same writer are involved in Zablon Judgement, which is a bizarre tale of alien deserts, incomprehensible space vendettas and Steven (or "Stephen" as he is here) meeting his evil identical double. You think he'd be quicker on the uptake in The Massacre, which this leads directly into, wouldn't you? Over-complicated and meaningless.
Dodo joins the pair in Turtle Power (Mark Simpson) when they come to the aid of an ungrateful Chelonian. Brief and heavy-handed in its take on the moral high ground, it adds nothing and manages to even spoil an obnoxious 80s catchphrase into the bargain.
A Cartridge in a Pear Tree (Steve Lake) is the first installment of The Twelve Doctors of Christmas, a smart yuletide tale of the TARDIS crew defeating an assassination attempt in Victorian London. Fun, and well-characterized.
The Perpetrated Outrage (Simon Skupham) shows the Doctor and Dodo causing trouble in a futuristic shopping centre, a fun shaggy dog story that makes Dodo feel like more of a real companion than any number of books, audios of TV episodes.
Picnic of Death (Eric Bakke) is a luridly-titled skit that struggles to give a dark, gritty, edgy vibe to the end of series three and portend the end of the era. It is therefore ludicrously overblown and feels like a parody.
Family Portrait (Simon Skupham) pits the First Doctor, Ben and Polly against an alien art exhibition. It's funny, clever and has a real thematic point, and is unsurprisingly ranked as one of the best fics on the site. The cameos from First Doctor monsters helps give an end-of-an-era feel and appropriately ends the collection.
Lastly, is the unusual I'm Gonna Love You Too (Steve Lake) which is a real world tale of a NuWho-loving child bonding with his stepmother when she introduces him to Hartnell stories on DVD. Because it's about being able to love different things at once, etc. Hopefully based on real events, given the happy ending.
The Second Doctor Collection
Echoes of the Present (Simon Skupham) is a thousand-word sequel to The Space Museum featuring the newly-regenerated Doctor, Ben and Polly. It's too short to do much, and ends up being the set up for a lame pun which appears to be the only reason it was written at all. Totally disposable.
The writer and the same TARDIS team are much better in Criminal Neglect where they become trapped in what at first glance appears to be a suburban house, until they check the attic... Eerie, clever, heartwarming and with more than a hint of the themes Heaven Sent will explore, this is a vast improvement all round.
Just as The Eve of Revolution was set in the 1910s, the 1920s are the next stop for the pure historical Decades series. The Great Entertainer (Sophie Jensen) sees the Doctor and Polly mistaken for a cabaret act by a mob of gangsters and trying to escape on stage. Another fun escapade for this underused TARDIS team.
But it couldn't last forever with Ecky Thump! (Mark Ritchie) another thousand-word effort as the camply-cynical world of Iris Wildthyme briefly impinges on the Second Doctor's life. Stupid people do stupid things and then die horribly. Oh what laughs are had, eh? No, thought not.
Surprise Party (Kaye Redhead) sketches in what could have been a good story with the TARDIS crew suffering cabin fever, but they're all such easily-fixed caricatures it's barely worth noticing. Still, it's trying harder than some of the other stories around it.
Simon Skupham's incomprehensible Nine Lives continues with The One which is as much gibberish as the previous installment, except it's a different TARDIS crew and the problem is a sports field. Why you'd pick that title for the second chapter with the Second Doctor is one of many imponderable questions.
Little Acorns (Mark Simpson) hurls the Second Doctor, Jamie and Victoria up against the Krynoids and... it's barely worth breaking a sweat over. The TARDIS lands at a botanical institute where the Doctor is told all the stuff he can talk about in The Seeds of Doom, and the Krynoids prove to be slightly less threatening than dead hamsters. The idea of a Krynoid fusing with a machine is as ridiculous as the lengths taken to get a James Bond gag.
Steve Lake's The Twelve Doctors of Christmas continues in Two Turtle Doves, who's attempt to humanize Chelonians in a space-war Christmas Truce feels a very strained attempt to make the titles relevant. Would Victoria really be able to see past the appearance of giant homicidal turtles to their inner goodness?
Day at the Cinema (Chris Pollard) is a fun vignette that does rely on Jamie and Victoria being unable to understand the concept of fiction, or plays or TV screens. Nonetheless, their reaction to the plot of Planet of Apes is quite poignant, especially given the time the story (and Doctor Who) was set.
Change for the Bitter (Steve Lake) is a dark and nasty tale of Jamie accidentally changing history and the Doctor mercilessly changing it back as the Time Lords watch on, doing nothing. Is this some tie in to I, Claudius? Is it a sequel to another fan fic? Just why don't we see Victoria? Uncomfortable reading.
Refuge (by Simon Skupham) feels like a Season Five greatest hits album as we get a base-under-siege story with the Cybermen attacking a monastery. Let's hope the miraculous holy water they've come for doesn't conveniently turn out to be lethal to Cybermen, eh, readers? If you're in the right mood, it's quite a good read. If.
The Cross of Castell (Simon Skupham) once again sees the TARDIS crew as bewildered bystanders to a self-resolving situation, in this case some corrupt committee on an alien planet. Everything remotely interesting happens off screen and the Doctor's only contribution is to call for bodybags. Who cares? Seriously, who cares?
Time's Edge: River of Ice (Mark Simpson) sees the Second Doctor, Jamie, Zoe and UNIT fighting Ice Warriors who have frozen the Thames. Nothing new to see here, nothing you've not seen elsewhere and probably better but not using Professor Song in a story with this title is just damned stupid.
A Lass (Eric Bakke) sees a teleport malfunction turn Jamie into a woman! Haha! Can you imagine the plot potential? The author can't, so immediately reverses it in this skit. Blink and you'll miss it, so I advise blinking.
Race to Zero (Garry Cobbum) is a funny, sweet little skit about the Doctor's relationship with Zoe. Recommended.
It Happened At The Hotel Capella (Simon Skupham) is another depressing tale of the TARDIS crew on the outskirts of the plot, in this case the Doctor casually lets an omnivorous alien devour some gangsters at a hotel, but no one seems fussed about this. A poor cousin to the Second Doctor/gangster fun of The Great Entertainer.
Two of Hearts (Kaye Redhead) is a simple idea of the Doctor stopping a bystander from dying, but gets a bit creepy when he starts giving all sorts of hints about said bystander's future. It's not meant to be creepy, but it feels way too manipulate and stalkerish to be comfortable with.
Broken Dreams: The Little Man (Daniel Iveson) covers the same idea far better as the Second Doctor checks up on Joanne. Mind you, the excuse that Susan "immigrated" rather than "emigrated" is an annoying flaw, as is the Doctor's clear disinterest in this reunion.
The Yellow Box (Simon Skupham) is another overly-cryptic and ambiguous tale that might have the Time Lords using the Second Doctor as an assassin. Or maybe not. Why Jamie and Zoe don't demand some explanations at the end of this prolonged murder is the hardest part to swallow.
Time Shatters (Magnus Greel) is another vignette of anti-continuity AU porn. The TARDIS travels into the far future where the Borg from Star Trek rules the universe, Zoe ceases to exist and the Second Doctor regenerates into a one-armed Tom Baker. It's one thing to retcon Genesis of the Daleks as part of an anti-Borg Time Lord scheme, but having the Second Doctor reveal this to Jamie is another...
Now, Season 6B rears its ugly and ultimately-retconned face. Time Raider (by Kaye Redhead) is a Tomb Raider story guest-starring the Second Doctor and Jamie. Unengaging, overcomplicated, difficult to follow and often boring. Avoid.
Outside the Wall (Mark Ritchie) is an AU to The War Games where the Doctor's punishment was being trapped on Gallifrey. A non-evil Master is on hand to offer him an alternative to this house arrest, but I'm at a loss as to what this rewriting of events is supposed to achieve bar fill up the word count.
Finally come Mark Simpson's Season 6B which is a disappointment in every respect, with the most weary Occam Razor, straightforward and imagination-free take on the Second Doctor as a CIA Agent.
Boggle at The Unwilling Volunteer as the Time Lords outline the entire premise of the series, even down to the fact they know the Doctor will try and double-cross them, solely to fit The Two Doctors into continuity (admittedly, it does this very well).
Jamie is replaced with Damon from Arc of Infinity in the relatively-novel Derelict where he helps the Doctor investigate a spooky spaceship with an original alien menace for once (they were the enemies of the Jaggaroth, so don't feel left out).
Colony shows us the fate of the Human Daleks and it's so tediously uninteresting - a group of market gardeners who can't spot a crook - that extermination has to be the better fate.
Maelstrom and it's direct sequel Prisoners of Wonshu show Simpson has no idea what to with this series as we get a rehash of The Three Doctors with an undead maniac ruling an empire inside a black hole and press-ganging the Doctor into giving it the liberty of oblivion.
Life on Earth is a dull framing story to The Five Doctors, but it's light years better than The Empress of Evil which has the Doctor tell the Brigadier of the Terrible Zodin. Ask a complete stranger to come up with a story about the Terrible Zodin and they'll come up with something better. It's so obscenely bad it boggles the mind no one has taken it down. Empress is a fan fic worthy of the deepest orders of hell, and deserves solitary confinement.
While Future's End might be a fanwank collision, at least there's some suspense and interest as the Doctor is sent on one last mission to defeat the Cybermen. His subsequent death, regeneration and exile aren't high drama but do have a novelty value of being treated with clinical disdain by all concerned.
All in all though, thank the gods that The Black Hole rendered all of this officially impossible...
The First Doctor Collection
Before the Doctor (James Stewart) looks at Theta Sigma's teenage years where he was a wisecracking desk jockey with a lame old-fashioned boss and a perpetually-horny girlfriend in the Rani. Is this meant to be a parody of some American focus group take on the series? Mercifully brief and thankfully the only installment of "Young Dr. Who".
The Doctor's past is further explored in another abortive saga, Between Hello & Goodbye (AbbyRomana) in a short vignette of him seeing his newborn granddaughter for the first time. Cute if nothing else.
Universal Constant (Nix Nada) is a charming bit of confusion as the First Doctor and Susan steal the TARDIS which has been left behind by a future Doctor returning to Gallifrey to retire. No, it doesn't make sense, but it's quick and fun and compelling.
The Ninth Doctor, reeling from the Time War, visits the First Doctor for advice in James Stewart's Homeless. Neither incarnation is in character, and even aside from the narcissism of turning to your younger self for a pep talk, the First Doctor's advice is basically "You need to get laid." The efforts to be deep and meaningful fail utterly.
Broken Dreams (Daniel Iveson) is a more convincing portrayal of the First Doctor and Susan, with them breaking their low profile to help a suicidal teenage girl. Yet another short-lived series, but at least it gets past the first episode with the original character Joanne encountering other Doctors.
Train of Thought (Loretta Thessane) is a confusing tale that seems better suited to a modern Doctor, given he is helping out Time War refugees. In this case, the 1000-word limit is hampering the point.
Finally, we get a multi-part saga that's actually finished in Mark Simpson's Prelude. The blunt, straightforward name suits this absolutely unsurprising straightforward by-the-numbers tale of the TARDIS arriving in 1963 and the lead up to the very first episode. Susan spots some school children and decides to visit a school. The Doctor hears the phrase "bury your problems" and so hides the Hand of Omega. Old Man Steptoe turns up to handily give the Doctor the means to take over Foreman's scrapyard.
The first five chapters lead up to An Unearthly Child. The sixth features the amnesiac Eighth Doctor and John Lennon teaming up (because of course they do) to scour Coal Hill School for the clues to his true identity, but are just a few seconds too late. It's even stupider as it sounds because this implies the Doctor's entire stuck-on-Earth arc was one giant French farce with him constantly missing himself; if it wasn't, he would have been involved in the last two stories which tie into Remembrance of the Daleks. Functional, but with slightly more effort put into it.
Notes From Oblivion (Magnus Greel) is yet another opening salvo of a saga that goes nowhere, in this case a deliberate rewriting of history as we see the twin stories of An Unearthly Child and Remembrance of the Daleks leading to the First Doctor kidnapping Ian and Barbara as the Hand of Omega destroys the Earth. Well written and apocalyptic, it's a pity it ends up such a non-sequitur.
Marco Polo Mint (Cliff Chapman) is an infantile comedy skit suggesting Ping-Cho was a pokemon. Oh my sides.
Time Travelling with Dinosaurs (Kaye Redhead) is poorly-written, badly-characterized, plotless and irritating. The TARDIS gets eaten by a dinosaur, and our heroes have to dig their way out of a pile of thunder lizard dung - except for Barbara, who has become a jungle warrior killing raptors! Laugh? I nearly took out a hit on the author.
The Eve of Revolution (Ed Sherrouse) is a pure historical as the TARDIS crew arrive in Russia at the titular time and get involved in a palace intrigue with kidnaps and betrays and an incredibly dull and uninteresting Rasputin. Somehow this manages to be worse than other DW takes on the period, despite the lack of pretension. This is the first in the Decades series, which lasted longer than most other of these multi-Doctor sagas.
In Memory (Loretta Thessane) sees the Doctor and Barbara bonding further following Susan's departure, in a short tale known as a millestone - like a drabble only ten times as long. Obvious but enjoyable.
Monsoon Bay (Simon Skupham) is a vague sneeze of a tale as the Doctor and Barbara worry that the TARDIS has been washed away and Ian has drowned. It's barely a spoiler to say they aren't, but it's notable for the portrayal of the First Doctor as more Matt Smith than William Hartnell, impressive given it was written in the 90s...
The Old Rugged Cross by the same author has slightly more of a plot, but is very grim and cryptic with a demonic entity killing 20th Century hikers before, um, accidentally killing itself. The TARDIS crew are convincingly rattled by the encounter, but so much is left unclear and unspoken it's borderline irrelevant.
Roman Holiday (Mark Simpson) revolves around finding Ian and Barbara's anachronisms endearing. It's not too much of an ask, but if you're not in the mood to go "Awww" you're better off skipping it.
At last, a multi-Doctor saga starts with an actual ending on the horizon, but it was a pity it was Simon Skupham's bewilderingly uninteresting Nine Lives. In the first episode, Rocket Man, the TARDIS crew hang around the funeral of someone somewhere doing something important for some reason. There are no answers, no motivations, not even a clear of any plot. If you come out of this giving a damn about the next installment, you're cleverer than I am.
Step Back in Time (Mark Simpson) feels like another anecdote the TARDIS crew might tell, but certainly isn't worth more than a few lines. After watching Tony Robinson's Time Team dig away at a ruined abbey, the time travelers accidentally go back in time and see it before it was ruined. That's it. Big deal.
Edward (Loretta Thessane) is a bewilderingly pointless tale of the Meddling Monk altering events of The Chase so that Ian is killed. He does this by tricking the TARDIS crew into taking in the titular stray cat. Why these idiots insisted on taking a cat with them to fight Daleks and Mechanoids is never explained, or why the Monk wants Ian dead or why the hell anyone would be interested in the story to start with.
Stowaway in Space (Jason Cook) is another abandoned project, with an annoying and curiously-ugly nine year old boy deciding to join the TARDIS crew without their knowledge or permission at the end of an unseen adventure. Given we have no idea who the titular stowaway is or any idea how he relates to the Doctor, Vicki and Steven, it almost feels like a postmodern take on Mary Sues. Or maybe it's just crap.
Set in Stone is an installment in Mark Simpson's Time's Edge 50th Anniversary saga. Thus it fits the format of audio line up meets new series villains thanks to the Silence and then a disguised new series ally turns up and saves the day. On this occasion it's the Doctor, Steven and Oliver meeting the Weeping Angels thanks to the Silence and then a disguised River Song saves the day. Don't expect much excitement, adventure or even novelty.
A Close Call (Simon Skupham) is a lighthearted pure historical where the Doctor and Steven avoid bloodshed by humiliating their own allies, but is probably a bit too short to really appreciate. It feels like the punchline to a Family Guy style cutaway, but makes a nice change from the morbid period.
The same team and the same writer are involved in Zablon Judgement, which is a bizarre tale of alien deserts, incomprehensible space vendettas and Steven (or "Stephen" as he is here) meeting his evil identical double. You think he'd be quicker on the uptake in The Massacre, which this leads directly into, wouldn't you? Over-complicated and meaningless.
Dodo joins the pair in Turtle Power (Mark Simpson) when they come to the aid of an ungrateful Chelonian. Brief and heavy-handed in its take on the moral high ground, it adds nothing and manages to even spoil an obnoxious 80s catchphrase into the bargain.
A Cartridge in a Pear Tree (Steve Lake) is the first installment of The Twelve Doctors of Christmas, a smart yuletide tale of the TARDIS crew defeating an assassination attempt in Victorian London. Fun, and well-characterized.
The Perpetrated Outrage (Simon Skupham) shows the Doctor and Dodo causing trouble in a futuristic shopping centre, a fun shaggy dog story that makes Dodo feel like more of a real companion than any number of books, audios of TV episodes.
Picnic of Death (Eric Bakke) is a luridly-titled skit that struggles to give a dark, gritty, edgy vibe to the end of series three and portend the end of the era. It is therefore ludicrously overblown and feels like a parody.
Family Portrait (Simon Skupham) pits the First Doctor, Ben and Polly against an alien art exhibition. It's funny, clever and has a real thematic point, and is unsurprisingly ranked as one of the best fics on the site. The cameos from First Doctor monsters helps give an end-of-an-era feel and appropriately ends the collection.
Lastly, is the unusual I'm Gonna Love You Too (Steve Lake) which is a real world tale of a NuWho-loving child bonding with his stepmother when she introduces him to Hartnell stories on DVD. Because it's about being able to love different things at once, etc. Hopefully based on real events, given the happy ending.
The Second Doctor Collection
Echoes of the Present (Simon Skupham) is a thousand-word sequel to The Space Museum featuring the newly-regenerated Doctor, Ben and Polly. It's too short to do much, and ends up being the set up for a lame pun which appears to be the only reason it was written at all. Totally disposable.
The writer and the same TARDIS team are much better in Criminal Neglect where they become trapped in what at first glance appears to be a suburban house, until they check the attic... Eerie, clever, heartwarming and with more than a hint of the themes Heaven Sent will explore, this is a vast improvement all round.
Just as The Eve of Revolution was set in the 1910s, the 1920s are the next stop for the pure historical Decades series. The Great Entertainer (Sophie Jensen) sees the Doctor and Polly mistaken for a cabaret act by a mob of gangsters and trying to escape on stage. Another fun escapade for this underused TARDIS team.
But it couldn't last forever with Ecky Thump! (Mark Ritchie) another thousand-word effort as the camply-cynical world of Iris Wildthyme briefly impinges on the Second Doctor's life. Stupid people do stupid things and then die horribly. Oh what laughs are had, eh? No, thought not.
Surprise Party (Kaye Redhead) sketches in what could have been a good story with the TARDIS crew suffering cabin fever, but they're all such easily-fixed caricatures it's barely worth noticing. Still, it's trying harder than some of the other stories around it.
Simon Skupham's incomprehensible Nine Lives continues with The One which is as much gibberish as the previous installment, except it's a different TARDIS crew and the problem is a sports field. Why you'd pick that title for the second chapter with the Second Doctor is one of many imponderable questions.
Little Acorns (Mark Simpson) hurls the Second Doctor, Jamie and Victoria up against the Krynoids and... it's barely worth breaking a sweat over. The TARDIS lands at a botanical institute where the Doctor is told all the stuff he can talk about in The Seeds of Doom, and the Krynoids prove to be slightly less threatening than dead hamsters. The idea of a Krynoid fusing with a machine is as ridiculous as the lengths taken to get a James Bond gag.
Steve Lake's The Twelve Doctors of Christmas continues in Two Turtle Doves, who's attempt to humanize Chelonians in a space-war Christmas Truce feels a very strained attempt to make the titles relevant. Would Victoria really be able to see past the appearance of giant homicidal turtles to their inner goodness?
Day at the Cinema (Chris Pollard) is a fun vignette that does rely on Jamie and Victoria being unable to understand the concept of fiction, or plays or TV screens. Nonetheless, their reaction to the plot of Planet of Apes is quite poignant, especially given the time the story (and Doctor Who) was set.
Change for the Bitter (Steve Lake) is a dark and nasty tale of Jamie accidentally changing history and the Doctor mercilessly changing it back as the Time Lords watch on, doing nothing. Is this some tie in to I, Claudius? Is it a sequel to another fan fic? Just why don't we see Victoria? Uncomfortable reading.
Refuge (by Simon Skupham) feels like a Season Five greatest hits album as we get a base-under-siege story with the Cybermen attacking a monastery. Let's hope the miraculous holy water they've come for doesn't conveniently turn out to be lethal to Cybermen, eh, readers? If you're in the right mood, it's quite a good read. If.
The Cross of Castell (Simon Skupham) once again sees the TARDIS crew as bewildered bystanders to a self-resolving situation, in this case some corrupt committee on an alien planet. Everything remotely interesting happens off screen and the Doctor's only contribution is to call for bodybags. Who cares? Seriously, who cares?
Time's Edge: River of Ice (Mark Simpson) sees the Second Doctor, Jamie, Zoe and UNIT fighting Ice Warriors who have frozen the Thames. Nothing new to see here, nothing you've not seen elsewhere and probably better but not using Professor Song in a story with this title is just damned stupid.
A Lass (Eric Bakke) sees a teleport malfunction turn Jamie into a woman! Haha! Can you imagine the plot potential? The author can't, so immediately reverses it in this skit. Blink and you'll miss it, so I advise blinking.
Race to Zero (Garry Cobbum) is a funny, sweet little skit about the Doctor's relationship with Zoe. Recommended.
It Happened At The Hotel Capella (Simon Skupham) is another depressing tale of the TARDIS crew on the outskirts of the plot, in this case the Doctor casually lets an omnivorous alien devour some gangsters at a hotel, but no one seems fussed about this. A poor cousin to the Second Doctor/gangster fun of The Great Entertainer.
Two of Hearts (Kaye Redhead) is a simple idea of the Doctor stopping a bystander from dying, but gets a bit creepy when he starts giving all sorts of hints about said bystander's future. It's not meant to be creepy, but it feels way too manipulate and stalkerish to be comfortable with.
Broken Dreams: The Little Man (Daniel Iveson) covers the same idea far better as the Second Doctor checks up on Joanne. Mind you, the excuse that Susan "immigrated" rather than "emigrated" is an annoying flaw, as is the Doctor's clear disinterest in this reunion.
The Yellow Box (Simon Skupham) is another overly-cryptic and ambiguous tale that might have the Time Lords using the Second Doctor as an assassin. Or maybe not. Why Jamie and Zoe don't demand some explanations at the end of this prolonged murder is the hardest part to swallow.
Time Shatters (Magnus Greel) is another vignette of anti-continuity AU porn. The TARDIS travels into the far future where the Borg from Star Trek rules the universe, Zoe ceases to exist and the Second Doctor regenerates into a one-armed Tom Baker. It's one thing to retcon Genesis of the Daleks as part of an anti-Borg Time Lord scheme, but having the Second Doctor reveal this to Jamie is another...
Now, Season 6B rears its ugly and ultimately-retconned face. Time Raider (by Kaye Redhead) is a Tomb Raider story guest-starring the Second Doctor and Jamie. Unengaging, overcomplicated, difficult to follow and often boring. Avoid.
Outside the Wall (Mark Ritchie) is an AU to The War Games where the Doctor's punishment was being trapped on Gallifrey. A non-evil Master is on hand to offer him an alternative to this house arrest, but I'm at a loss as to what this rewriting of events is supposed to achieve bar fill up the word count.
Finally come Mark Simpson's Season 6B which is a disappointment in every respect, with the most weary Occam Razor, straightforward and imagination-free take on the Second Doctor as a CIA Agent.
Boggle at The Unwilling Volunteer as the Time Lords outline the entire premise of the series, even down to the fact they know the Doctor will try and double-cross them, solely to fit The Two Doctors into continuity (admittedly, it does this very well).
Jamie is replaced with Damon from Arc of Infinity in the relatively-novel Derelict where he helps the Doctor investigate a spooky spaceship with an original alien menace for once (they were the enemies of the Jaggaroth, so don't feel left out).
Colony shows us the fate of the Human Daleks and it's so tediously uninteresting - a group of market gardeners who can't spot a crook - that extermination has to be the better fate.
Maelstrom and it's direct sequel Prisoners of Wonshu show Simpson has no idea what to with this series as we get a rehash of The Three Doctors with an undead maniac ruling an empire inside a black hole and press-ganging the Doctor into giving it the liberty of oblivion.
Life on Earth is a dull framing story to The Five Doctors, but it's light years better than The Empress of Evil which has the Doctor tell the Brigadier of the Terrible Zodin. Ask a complete stranger to come up with a story about the Terrible Zodin and they'll come up with something better. It's so obscenely bad it boggles the mind no one has taken it down. Empress is a fan fic worthy of the deepest orders of hell, and deserves solitary confinement.
While Future's End might be a fanwank collision, at least there's some suspense and interest as the Doctor is sent on one last mission to defeat the Cybermen. His subsequent death, regeneration and exile aren't high drama but do have a novelty value of being treated with clinical disdain by all concerned.
All in all though, thank the gods that The Black Hole rendered all of this officially impossible...
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