Sunday 8 May 2022

Fishface Bigotry 2022 Edition

 Yes, ladies and gentlemen, after the longest ever time between one Doctor saying "I quit!" till another saying "Well, I'm up for it!" since Paul McGann drank a cup of tea and Christopher Eccleston grabbed a blonde teenagers hand, Ncuti Gatwa (or "Chooty Gutwar" as it is pronounced) is Doctor Number 14 As Long As You Skip All The Others. RTD praises the new bloke, Katy Manning thinks he's fabulous, Gillian Anderson is right behind him, Sylvester McCoy gives his blessing to a fellow scot, Jodie Whittaker couldn't be happier, Mad Larry the Pirate King has declared war on Scotland, ...
 
...but we all know who's opinion we really want to hear.
 
Yes, sparacus, Emperor Fishface the First, Mark Goacher of Colchester, has been campaigning for some time that Ben Whishaw (AKA Paddington Bear AKA Q AKA doppelganger of Matt Smith) be the next Doctor which is hilariously pathetic as a) Whishaw has repeatedly said to the press he'd never be the Doctor because he'd be obviously just like Matt Smith and b) Whishaw is busy with a new show where he is playing a Doctor. You'd think that might penetrate the emperor's logic but as far as he's concerned, Ben Whishaw is the new Doctor whether he likes it or not and should be forced at gunpoint to play the role. Because sparacus said so.
 
And then, like Soldeed before a triumvirate of Nimon, those dreams of conquest are shattered...
 
 
I’ve no idea who he is but this is an awful decision.
 
However he cannot be the 14th Doctor as I have already cast Ben Whishaw in that role.
 
 

I have just seen the youtube videos introducing him, He behaves like an overgrown child. He will be awful. Too young , no gravitas - looks barely out of his teens. He may be as old as Davidson (sic) in 1981, but he was too young when cast as well. The Doctor needs to be played by an actor who is 40 or over. The character needs gravitas and a sense of authority. Jonn Pertwee (sic) captured this perfectly (apart from scenes taken completely out of context) and played the Doctor as a serious, intelligent man. The character can also be eccentric but not some overgrown teenager wearing bare-chested shirts.
 
At least this guy will probably get a half-decent costume.
 
No, it won’t work. This young man is unknown. He has appeared in some cheapo online Netflix series, not a proper tv (sic) series. The show needs a big name to rescue it from the poor ratings caused by Chibnall’s scripts, Ben Whishaw or Benedict Cumberbach (sic). The BBC could afford Benedict Cumberbach (sic), not like cheapo internet telly Netflix.
 
The issue is : Doctor Who’s ratings are currently poor. It is widely seen by casual viewers as boring, stale and overly ‘woke’. Plus Chibnall’s ‘Timeless Child’ narrative was unpopular with fans. How will this casting decision turn around the situation. They could have gone for someone much more famous such as Daniel Craig now he is giving up his James Bond role.
 
My point is that this new Doctor actor is not the one that I would have chosen. He’s too lightweight, too young and no one has heard of him. I fail to see how you deduce that 40 - 55 million people have clearly heard of him just because that's how many people have watched his show. It’s just kids watching it over and over again. It’s not been on proper tv (sic). I don’t have Netflix and I can’t recall seeing this show on BBC 1 or 2...

They should give Adam Rickitt.the job of being the companion.

 
Oh, spara, I'd say "don't ever change" but that presupposes you're capable of it.

Wednesday 4 May 2022

Ode to The Timeless Child

Now after nearly sixty years of canon development
You'd think something cohesive would be heaven-sent
To make sense of all past mistakes and irritating goofs
But we're all beguiled
By the Timeless Child
It makes us all hit the roofs!


Oh, the Timeless Child, the Timeless Child
All the backstory trashed by the Timeless Child
It's the retcon that drives all fandom wild
Because Doctor Who was ruined by the Timeless Child

When Nation wrote "Genesis", the fans were all outraged!
When Holmes wrote "Deadly Assassin", fans were all enraged!
And "The War Games" contradicted all previous continuity
And when Chibnall trialed
The Timeless Child
There was no tolerance to see!


Oh, the Timeless Child, the Timeless Child
Oh, everything is better before the Timeless Child
Though compared the Hybrid arc it's rather mild
No one wants to canonize the Timeless Child!
 
As Mister Steven Moffat said, "Rule 1: The Doctor Lies!"
And just like Ian Levine said, "Feed me all the pies!"
But try and use your heads and try not to be dense

Hartnell was exiled
As he's the Timeless Child
And now it all makes sense!

Oh, the Timeless Child, the Timeless Child
It's a plot-twist that is complete reviled
So much continuity has been defiled
Because of the horrible truth of the Timeless Child!


Oh, the Timeless Child, the Timeless Child
We beg RTD to retcon the Timeless Child
Like Morbius faces, it leaves us riled
Even though it makes sense with the Timeless Child
Oh everything makes sense with the Timeless Child!