The Next Doctor(s)

Yes, a mere four years have passed but now it's time to once again pick the next Doctor! Was it the enforced year-long gap by an apathetic BBC management that made Capaldi quit? Was it heartbreak over John Hurt's death? Perhaps showrunners and leads sign suicide pacts like David Tennant and RTD? Either way the First Fourteenth Thirteenth Twelfth Peter Capaldi bows out in less than twelve months time and his successor must be chosen to start filming.

So, who to take over the reins now that it's canonically established that a white male Time Lord can regenerate into a black female Time Lady and nobody in the show actually gives a damn? Yes, there's nothing to stop the minority groups playing the next Doctor (or even a disabled or midget actor, given the predictions in The Witch's Familiar) so let us pick our own choices freely.


1. Julian Rhind-Tutt

"You don't understand. I'm not a human being. I walk in eternity..."

Yeah, an old pitch of mine but he's older than the fresh-faced Ace Rimmer cute boy of Green Wing and Black Books and has since become known as playing repressed, bespectacled and vicious bureaucrats ever since. Could easily follow on from the older, darker Capaldi but be less of a miserable old bastard with a serious personality disorder and more someone who's company you'd actually enjoy.


2. Ruth Wilson

"Would you mind please standing aside while I shoot myself?"

A redhead who's mastered the "thousand yard stare" of all good Time Lords, her charisma is clear from the way she made a psychopathic serial killer in Luther the most noble and likeable of characters even though the rest of the cast weren't evil bastards. She can steal the screen from Idris Elba and Paul McGann simultaneously, and has a "I'm going to go for your neck" vibe that rivals Tom Baker. She'd no longer be the madman in a box, but the mad bit would never have been more accurate.


3. James Lance

"Go on then. Look me in the eye. Pull the trigger. End my life."

The punchable jerk's definitely got range, able to play stereotype bad boys, nerds, psychopaths, heroes, teachers and burned-out pansexual time-masters. There's no way of telling what his Doctor would be like, an unlikely but captivating central character who'd be harder to hate than easier to like. Plus, there'd be plenty of fun on youtube with his infamous "Are you comparing me to Sylvester fucking McCoy?" line from Teachers. Which even, in context (with the bloke from the Walking Dead claiming he was "Tom Baker" and Lance was "Sylvester McCoy" when he meant "Peter Davison), was genuinely hilarious.


4. Colin Salmon

"...and we all know the fate of alien spies..."

Well, he's been in Doctor Who and Blake's 7 and James Bond and even worked simultaneously with Steven Moffat, Dawn French and Peter Vaughn, so let's not deny he has the cahones for the job as well as a love for the sci-fi/fantasy genre. He's a Shakespearean actor and his specialty as charming but aloof characters up to something clever make him a good, if obvious choice.


5. Matt Smith

"GEROMINO, MUTHAFUKAS!!!"

Yeah, this is a cheat but apparently Smithy has been jonesing hard to return to the old police box. Is there any real problem with him resuming the role, especially as it's also canonical Time Lords can "revisit" old faces? Bar the awkward regeneration episode, it's no different to the new leases of life given by Big Finish. The public love him, are they really going to complain if he comes back?


6. Nina Sosanya

"Don't worship me - I'd make a very bad god. You wouldn't get a day off, for starters."

Pretty obvious, really. Good actress, lots of variety, been in the show before, was willing to play a transsexual castrato drug addict to get close to David Tennant. I mean, if they'll let Matt Lucas in...


7. Santiago Cabrera

"Sorry, but there's this thing... well, four things... well, four things and a lizard..."

A more conventional swashbuckling choice from a guy best known sword-fighting in historical dramas, but his portrayal of Aramis - a sad clown with secrets who'd rather be a healer than a fighter and willing to poke fun at every cliche he stumbles across - he'd be a safe bet for a younger, dashing David Tennant-esque style incarnation. Lots of planets have a Spain.


8. Tim Treloar

"I am not a good man. And I'm not a bad man. I am an idiot with a screwdriver and a box."

Well, he's made a positive impact as the recast Third Doctor, which surely means he could play the genuine article on TV without his Jon Pertwee impersonation. He's got the thumbs up from both Katy Manning and Tom Baker as being perfect for the part, and if they don't know what makes a good Doctor, then who does?


9. David Harewood - (very briefly) Bookies' Favorite!!

"Sometimes we humanoids have to hide our true feelings for one another. Now shut up, Adric."

After being shafted with the least-challenging roes of Rairf Kcut and Josh Naismith, this could be Davo's chance to play to the more cheeky wild-card he is in real life rather than a stoic, serious bloke in a suit. He could easily be a Sixth Doctor style boisterous and insufferable genius. Or not. Who's to say?


10. Sarah Smart

"My word, Jamie, yes, that is a big one..."

She's done the show before, worked with Peter Davison, Paul McGann and Matt Smith and can easily go from psycho-feminiza-lesbian to terrified-mouse-victim in the blink of an eye, and perfect for a sort of Troughtonesque pixie bollocks to keep you guessing.


11. Shaun Parkes

"Fancy-pants." "Scarecrow."

Because he's awesome in everything, and been sidekick to David Tennant and mentor to Matt Smith as well as beating the crap out of Dennis Waterman to fight satanists. Booyah.


12. Esse Davis

"You know, Susan, sometimes I think your old grandfather's going ever-so-slightly round the bend!"

With her jaw-dropping charisma, fantastic acting range and ability to make anything - even Game of Thrones - fun to watch, she's the most natural choice for a trouble-making time traveler since Rick and Morty. There is no way she could fail.


13. Patterson Joseph

"Am I having a midlife crisis?!?"

Coz I couldn't think of thirteen totally original choices.

And Mark "Sparacus" Goucher wants:

Ben Wishaw

...viva la difference.

Someone who can only be described as a failed attempt at cloning Matt Smith, with near-identical hair, eyes, voice, chin and acting style who's current caught between voicing a CGI bear and being treated like crap by James Bond in movies so bad only sparacus himself could have written them. That said, you couldn't ask for a "safer bet" for the next Doctor and one guaranteed to cause no surprise or alarm.

The Emperor had this to say earlier today:

It's time for some imaginative thinking on who should replace Capaldi. And by “imaginative thinking” I mean “choosing a man who’s anal virginity I’d gladly destroy”. I'd suggest Ben Whishaw. He is a serious actor not a lightweight. He played Paddington Bear. Who did Capaldi play in Paddington Bear, huh? Just some nosey neighbor who couldn’t cop off with the evil broodmare with ovaries. Ben Wishaw is superior in all respects! I bet he doesn’t even need lubricant! I don’t care if the producers think that it would put Doctor Who into a creative rut! I want Wishaw’s salty goodness and Adam as the assistant, even though he's a bedridden cripple who's given up on acting! I deserve this dream team after years of trolling - AND I HAVE A DEGREE!